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((((BeingMe))))

Hang tough girl. "This too shall pass."

Um, yeah, was an interesting weekend.

A Dutch Proverb states that, "a handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains". This is so true when pertaining to my own life. I am not a naturally patient person - I always feel things passionately, and do things spontaneously, so patience has been one of the things I have truly had to learn in order to save my M. And am still working on.

Anyway, I just want to encourage everyone to continue to be patient. Phoenix is someone I admire with this characteristic in abundance.

Thanks for the compliment. Today I am struggling a bit with my patience, however, I do know how critical it is to endure to the end. Luckily I have kids who seem to give a little more support and love when I need it. Lately I have focused my thoughts on study, mostly religious, when things get difficult. I find it gives me a little clearer picture of where my efforts and goals should be. Less time in idle, unfocused thought, is best for me.

Enjoyed a good weekend working with FIL and family events with friends. Glad to be back to work so I can rest up. Looks like one of my favorite GAL activities is now coming to an end. Guess I'll have to find something else.

Start the monday off with a good bump.

Check out my new thread.

Thanks for the bump, Phoenix! I see your thread has locked. Have you started another one yet?

So, for me, today's word is 'wisdom', since I have just turned 49 years old. I feel I should at least acquire some wisdom in my older years. (Funny, how I still feel 21 ) Anyway, here is a quote by Marcel Proust: "We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no-one can take for us, or spare us." Doesn't this so aptly describe our DB journey?

I am a little angry with H at the moment. I have caught him out in another lie. Not to do with OW or anything, but to do with things that affect us financially. Why does he do this, knowing that I am trying to learn to trust him again? He doesn't think it's a big deal, which makes me feel he just doesn't get it! Ugh! I have told him that this is something I will not and cannot accept. So, I'm in a bit of a quandary ... he says sorry, but there is no consequence for him lying to me, again. I am just not going to put up with this for much longer. He doesn't get that I am slowly but surely detaching from him, emotionally. I am falling out of love with him, and have already lost respect and trust, so love is just not far behind.

Really sad, and I have spoken to him, and don't know what else to do. I think I have been patient enough. Maybe we need some time apart. I'm a little unsure as to what to do.

H left last night to fetch D19 - it's a 12 hour drive, so not sure if they'll make it back home tonight. Probably tomorrow morning. D19 finally dumped her boyfriend (in our opinion, inappropriate, 34 yr old, immature, divorced, absent father - has 2 little girls - liar, and possible abuser - he certainly treated our D19's twin brother like cr*p, and that was not okay with me. Suffice to say, we did not like him, tried to tell her our thoughts, we were accused of trying to control her, and she's an adult now, H drove to hometown when we found out what was happening, but she wouldn't budge. Ugh!). I hope she has decided that it's time to settle down and go to college, and hang out with people her own age.

In the meantime, I did tell H that I would like him to think about what I said about how his lying hurts me, and that I will not tolerate it any longer, and that I would like him to come home with a plan where I can see that he is determined to show me that I can trust him. I would like to see effort on his part, and a commitment to changing to make our M better. I am tired of all the effort coming from me. And, I need all this soon, because he has been offered a job where he will be travelling during the week, and home on weekends. Not sure if he will take it, but I can't see how I can learn to trust someone I don't see very often. I know myself, and I will just assume he is going to have another A, and I won't be able to handle that. As it is, I feel myself growing away from him, losing that feeling of love and commitment to him and our M. He just doesn't get it, won't listen to me, or really hear what I am saying. So, I don't know what else to do.

On the surface, we made a good start at piecing, but it is slowly fizzing out, and that is always what happens with him. He gets all excited, and determined, and then when he thinks everything is okay, he takes me for granted, and all effort goes out the window on his part. And, I just sit there, thinking, "here we go again". I am just tired of it all. I really am. I just want to move on with my life, but I don't have the feeling it's the right time yet, but I don't think it's far off, unless he does something to convince me that I can trust him, and feel safe with him.

'Eh! I just feel like I am in such a quandary. Torn between staying or running for the hills. In the middle is my darling D13, and I can't just run until I have been through every option, tried everything possible to get this M back on track. Or, leave with no resentments, or grudges.