Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Moving On with H

Patience. Ha ha ha... sorry. That word made me laugh. I am tired of patience. (Sorry again, having a bad day, I guess)

I thought my H was my best friend. Then he lied. Yes, the lies hurt the most. But the "I love her, she's my soul mate" when you know it's all chemical induced BS - that hurts too. Sigh.

I know what your feeling. I was fortunate enough to find out that a co-worker of mine went through his MLC a few years back. I don't have all the info, but what he did tell me seem to follow right along with what we read about in the books (DB/DR). He told me a little about how he felt, how they worked through, and how he still loves his wife. His secrets were the same as here, time, space, unconditional love. You would be surprised also how many times some of these "outsiders" know that true love is not "chemically induced", but a day in, day out building relationship. Luckily we have the info and support here that most of these other people do not. I keep telling myself, "your in it for the long haul". When all is said and done, I want to know I said and did it all.

We have made the move - somewhat traumatic, but over now! We are in a temporary, furnished apartment, until our new home becomes available at the end of the month. Can't wait!

Relationship-wise, things are going fairly well. Mostly, we are happy, but I still don't trust my H, still feel unsafe. We start MC'ing tomorrow, so I hope we can resolve these issues.

One thing that has made me feel somewhat nervous yesterday ... I discovered that the OW "accidentally" sent my H a school reunion invitation, then sent him an email to apologise for doing so. When he finally had broken it off with her, he had told her not to contact him again, so I can't help feeling this is her way to try and re-establish contact. She had sent it to his hotmail account which he never checks (he changed his other email addresses and cell phone number, but couldn't cancel the hotmail account). I had checked it and found the emails from last month, and he didn't know about it. I told him, and he assured me that he has no intention of reconnecting with her. Well, we will see. At the moment, I am feeling a little heartsick, insecure, and trapped. Just 5 months ago, I had decided to move on with my life, was at peace with that decision. I had a job, was planning on furthering my studies (which I still intend to do), was looking for my own place to live, was in a city where I had friends and family. Now, I have no idea what I have, but will try and go with the flow, and see where it takes me. I have little choice in the matter now.

My first inclination is "sounds like an obvious ploy to reconnect." But, I can't say that for sure, obviously. Good luck with the MC. I would love to hear how it goes. It's such a mystery to me. I wonder if it would be worth it for my sitch... it's hard to believe your H when he says he is not going to connect with her. Good luck.

Curb the crazymaking, work on the positive. We already know that if we let ourselves fall into that trap it gets us nowhere. If anything they'll be driven away.

I know, Phoenix, crazy making is just not good, but sometimes I still go through the tornado of thoughts. I'm okay now, but I didn't need a reminder from that woman. We have managed to solve how neither of us can access H's hotmail account. He changed the password - he put in some random letters, while looking away, then I put some in too, so neither of us know what the password is. Eventually, we hope, it will automatically shut down. This is the only way she could've contacted him, other than having a private investigator do so. Wouldn't put it past her.

In the meantime, he continues to reassure me that he loves me, regards me as his best friend, wants to spend the rest of his life with me (and eternally too), is sorry about what he did and realizes it was all fantasy, and that leaving me would never have worked out. I have to just find a way to trust him again, and regain my respect for him. He still has some things that he did before that bother me, for instance, he will ask me what I want (emotionally, or whatever), and I will tell him, then he does nothing about it. I told him that I just don't want to answer those questions anymore because it gets me nowhere.

We were supposed to go for MC last week, but our D12 didn't turn up from her new school until 4 hours later. She doesn't know our new telephone numbers, or address - just how to walk from school. I was frantic with worry. I was so relieved when H found her walking home from a new friend's house.

We made a new appointment with the MC for this Friday. So, I hope we can work on the issues we have. I asked him to be truthful with the C, and not lie like he did with previous ones. He said he won't. We will see.

Hope everyone else is doing well. I read the posts, but haven't commented very often. Too busy with the new courses I am taking.

Hopefully Friday will go well for you. I look forward to the day when perhaps we will be able to do the same thing on this end. Right now I, like yourself, wonder if I'm really seeing the true person I am married to. Am I seeing improvement and change, or is it just a better cover up. When there seems to be things that indicate otherwise, it's tough to want to fight on. For now I am thankful for the peace I have in knowing I am doing the right things. Right now that will have to be enough for me.

Well, we went to MC, and I think we are on the right track, however, it will take time to rebuild my trust. In my mind, it is up to H to do the work and show me that he can be trusted. So, I keep walking the path of reconciliation, and see where it leads.

What are you looking to see? I'd write it down, otherwise you might not see what has been accomplished. Do you look back to where you started? When I do, that's when I feel like I've accomplished something. What does your "inner feeling" tell you? Are you winning, losing or are you using that gift?

I'm not saying lay down and get ran over, but at least be open to positive change. Congratulations on the MC visit. Hopefully it was a positive experience. My most recent lesson had to do with listening skills. How are yours? I need to slow down and completely listen to what she has to say. For that matter I have to in general, not just with her. Now I just have to train myself how.

Pop over to my thread tomorrow. Or E-mail me, I need some good input right now.

Hi Phoenix! You always have such good advice for me. The MC session was positive, and the C didn't think we really needed to come back unless we wanted to. My H states that he is totally committed, that he is going nowhere, that he loves me, and is very sorry about what happened. As nice as it is to hear those words, they were all said before he once again told me he doesn't love me and wants a D, and more lies. So, I just don't trust him, I guess, and I want to be able to do so. Time and patience I guess.

Anyway, I will trek over to your thread and post before going out. Thanks for the input.