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Still working toward my goals! Studying sure helps one stop obsessing over stuff that really isn't worth obsessing about. I have just started a new fitness regime, and some of my muscles are not happy about that. Ha!

There is an interesting article in the O Magazine (which I seldom buy, but needed something to read while on the treadmill). It's about resilience, and this is a lesson that I am mentally chewing on. Life is about obstacles, opposition, and overcoming problems. It is also about finding joy in the little things, and satisfaction in one's own life, and to know that you are doing the best you can with the tools in your possession. We need to be our own best friends. Being resilient is so important when in the situation of a possible D or S, to not allow what a WAS does to define who we are as individuals. To not allow their choices let us forget who we truly are - I, for one, know myself to be loyal, forgiving, independent, dependable, passionate, caring (especially where my kids are concerned). I am also assertive, clear thinking, and no-one's doormat. I can also get incredibly angry (luckily, it doesn't last long), impatient, pouty, and argumentative, and these are things I need to work on, but I won't allow my faults to overshadow my good points.

Just my thoughts for the day. Hope you are all having a wonderful week.

I have started going to counselling again. Mostly because I feel somewhat overwhelmed with all that's happening in my life. Besides the problems in my M and all that has gone with that, including the emotions, there was the move to a new city (a nightmare of packing up our old house, selling that, then looking for a new house, moving in, and on and on), leaving my job and my good friends and co-workers, starting to study for a certificate in fitness training (and all the stuff that goes with that, like actually getting and staying fit and healthy), the renovations in our new house, and now our 18 year olds have left home and gone back to our old city, and I miss them terribly.

Life can sometimes seem like a bad dream, but I know that I am pretty resilient (my new best word ) and will come through - I just wish that things would settle one way or the other, for a little while until I can get my bearings, re-establish my emotional self within time and space, and then perhaps I can move forward with my life again. Oy! Anyway, it helped already to talk to the counsellor, and I will be going back after spring break.

I know I must take each day as it comes, and be the best me I can be on that day, and the future will take care of itself.

That's for sure. I have some days where I wish I could just take the family and move, but then, like you I would miss the support. It is amazing how our spouses don't even feel that they owe any remorse, but I think in a way the remorse just generates the hard feelings, not too many people will own up to what they do wrong.

Anyhow, things seem to be improving, but I am still a little skeptic. As you have said before, if they would own up and commit, it would be easier to move on. But as alway, watching re-runs doesn't give you anything new, just the same old view.

Whatever you do, Phoenix, don't move! I should never have allowed this to happen. But, I know how much more problematic it would be, if down the road, he regrets not having tried this, and I am the one blamed. I have always supported him re his career and the jobs he takes. I sure don't want him to be unhappy at work. Pity he has never done the same for me, but that's another story. Anyway, I am a strong person, and I can handle this, with a little help from my bb friends, and the friends in the old city.

We are going away this Friday to visit everyone there, so that will be great. H will come back on Monday, and D13 and I will stay on for a couple more days. It will give me time and space to reflect and get some perspective on our R, and my goals for the future.

I guess I was seeing it more as a way of seeing where the allegances lie, family or friends (etc). The kids would know exactly what choice was made at that point too. However some would handle it better than others and I don't want the kids having a bad view of their mother.

I'm getting more involved in some non-work stuff, which has been fun, something to get my mind off things. Occasionally the W gets involved too. Just trying to have new common activities.

Just a spot of journalling ...

Got back from my trip to visit my 18 year old twins, who have moved back to our previous city. They seem happy, and settled. D13 and I drove back alone, since H had to be back at work last Monday. There were some icy patches, but otherwise had a smooth trip. It was nice chatting to D13 - she is such a lovely kid - I love her very dearly.

My M is doing okay. I still wait for the feeling of mistrust to leave me, but so far, it's not happening. I don't feel the need to check up on H, but I also don't feel I care if he is being unfaithful or not. It's a rather strange place to be, but it is a calm, peaceful place. I don't feel stressed, or worried, or obsessed - just detached. I still love my H, but I can live without him.

I am still studying for a certificate in fitness training. I am finding the anatomy courses interesting. Still have a year to go, so I am just taking each course as it comes. I chose Rachel Carson as someone I admire as a leader, for my assignment in Communication. She was an interesting person, in that her book, Silent Spring, was one of the motivating forces that began the environmental movement in the 60's.

Spring has sprung where we live, and I am enjoying the sunshine, and the flowers in our garden. Makes me feel very positive!

I am off to a counselling session tomorrow. Hope it goes well, although I don't feel I have any issues right now, but it will be nice to bounce some ideas of an impartial person.

Take care everyone!

It's good to see the upbeat attitude that you have. Some ways I wish I could slip back into acadamia, but I just paid off those loans. Like yourself I do look forward to spring, it will be nice to be outside and have more other things to focus on. You have got me thinking more about getting back into counseling sessions. I worry too often that they will be more of a detractor than a help. Right now I guess if it's just for me, anything would help.

Thanks Phoenix! What I love about my life now, is that I am no longer pretending to be upbeat - I really am! I truly feel I am at last awakening to some truths about life. I am not talking so much about the spiritual side, although that is very important, but about our inner lives which is reflected outwards. I used to worry so much about whether my H still loved me, whether the children will be okay, will my friends and family care about me, or like me, what I look like, how I act, that it became quite an obsession. I was so insecure. But, at last, I am beginning to see that it doesn't matter. I will not change who I am inside, so that someone will love me or like me. I like myself, and that's enough!

Counselling helps me, in that I am able to verbalize what's spinning around in my head. I am someone who has far too many interests (from geology, to religion, to politics, art, writing, fitness and health, and the list just goes on and on), and passions, that I find it difficult to focus sometimes. I am now trying to focus on fitness, while also expanding my creative side. On top of that, I am continuing to try and be a good mom, and wife, and make a new circle of friends. And, the counsellor helps me do that.

Anyway, back to ye ol' books!

Perhaps some counseling will get me there too. Yes, refocus would have to be the big point right now. I'll get back on here later and say more. Thanks for the words.

Just some personal thoughts ......

Had a great session with C this week - she is really able to get what I say, and calls me on certain things. For instance, I tend to put myself down, and she was able to point that out. I don't even realise I do it, but I am getting better at acknowledging my good points, and being comfortable with compliments, and such. It's just that I grew up in a very unsupportive family. Being one of the younger kids, our older siblings were always careful to make sure we knew our place, and that there wasn't anything special about us. I live with that legacy today, but am getting over it. Sad, really, but that's life. My parents, also, were not very affectionate, or complimentary. No matter our achievements, there were no pats on the back (I do, however, realise that they loved us, and did the best they could, and I hold no grudge against them). So, ultimately, we need to be satisfied, and proud of ourselves, despite the opinions (or lack thereof) of those in our families. It's been a long and hard lesson to learn.

This has impacted most areas of my life, including my M. I always feel that if I try and expand my skills or talents, that I will fail because I wasn't confident enough in myself. That has changed these last couple of years. Now, I feel, one must take risks and jump into the deep end.

I have certainly come to believe in myself - at last.