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Hey BeingMe,

Did I ever mention PEACEGIVER to you. If I didn't perhaps it might be time to look at it. I don't think I would have the patience I have, or the forgiveness for that matter if it wasn't for that book. Let me know and maybe I can send you the link.

^^bump

Thanks for bump, Phoenix. As I said on your thread, I have been pretty busy with my courses, and unpacking. Our house needs a lot of work, like painting, tiling the bathrooms, cleaning, new floors in the living room, curtains, and the list is just endless. But, we're in, and that's at least one step further down the road.

You did tell me about the Peacegiver, several months ago. I read the first few chapters, and even forwarded it to my H to read. Just haven't had time or constant internet access to read further, but will get back to it now that we're more settled.

Our R at the moment is more steady. I don't stress about the OW as much. In fact, I hardly ever think about her. My H seems to be DB'ing me at the moment. Ha! I am trying to just forget what happened and move on with my life, which is too short to obsess about something that is over. I would still like to try the Retrouville program, and will look into it for later in the year.

On a spiritual note - I will be going for my PB at the end of the month. I am hoping that this will give me some guidance and an anchor in my life. H and I are also thinking about making changes in our lives so that we can get M in the T, and have our children (those who want to) S to us.

Ultimately, I feel positive about our M, although I have moments where I get a little nervous, but I think that's normal.

Things are still going fairly well in my M. H is busy fixing stuff in our new house, and I am still studying which I am finding somewhat stressful. I discovered that I take my stress out on my H. I must stop doing that!

I still wait for the GRAND GESTURE where I can know for a certainty that he really does love me, never loved OW, is plugged into the M, and is truly sorry for what he did, but I doubt if it will happen. So, I try not to expect it - probably childish of me to do so.

Plod, plod, plodding along.

Grand gesture, if you figure out how to make that happen, I'd sure like to know how. Focus elsewhere, that's the only way I seem to be able to handle the wait. Find new and fresh memories to do together. Definately get away from taking out your frustrations on him, especially since more or less that what they did to us, and it about drove us away.

Good luck on the studies.

Some journalling .....

I know, there won't be any "grand gesture" - not going to happen. I think what bugs me is that he seems to expect things to continue as if nothing happened. And, maybe that is the way it should be. I still don't feel safe and secure in my M, and that's probably going to take a long time.

I still plan to continue studying, and getting a career for myself so that I can support myself, if need be. I never want to rely on a man, financially or emotionally, ever again. I found myself, after 20 years of looking after a home and family (most of the time working at low paying jobs just to have the extra money that my H couldn't supply, so never improving my career prospects because we concentrated on my H getting educated, and moving up in his career), looking into a dark tunnel where I am dependent, and not knowing who I am. I think a lot of women have gone through this. We make so many sacrifices for our families, but we get nothing for it when our DH's decide to go through a midlife crisis.

I think I will see a C, for myself. I need to get focussed about my life, to find the real me, and to move past this whole episode and learn and grow from it.

More later.... I am finding the studying takes up so much of my time. Anatomy and Physiology is hard.

I too have been having the feeling that I need to get back on track with a C. Tomorrow I should be able to start the ball rolling again on that one. I don't envy the going back to school routine. At this stage in my life I think I would be too messed up to deal with school. My degree and work is technical, A&P would kill me on a good day, let alone a bad one. It's good to see you checking in once in awhile.

Just giving you the bump. What's going on? Take a break from the books and let's hear what is happening.

Exams are over, thank goodness. I am now waiting the dreaded results. On a positive note, I did get 100% for my 3rd Anatomy assignment which was an essay, so I am quite pleased with myself.

I have been moving along with my life, still working on me, and getting back to the real Debbie, who has been MIA for quite a long time. I miss the person I used to be, someone who was always positive about life, adventurous, laughed a lot because I found the humour in everyday things, was happy and steadfast in my marriage, trusting, did things with my kids, was healthy and fit. I am getting there, but I just have to overcome my fears and trust issues with H which I am still finding to be a challenge. I have, at least, come to the conclusion, that I still cannot control what he does, am not responsible for his happiness, and given myself the bottom line that if I find out that he has betrayed our marriage again, then that will be that. Until then, I try not to worry about it too much. Quite pointless really, and I have so much more things to do and enjoy in my life than to worry about the choices my H makes. My goals at the moment are (I guess its a more simplified set of goals from the ones I used to have, and I am looking forward to the New Year, and hope that it will be better than the last, for me, and everyone on this board):

Become self-sufficient (financially and emotionally)
Plug into my spiritual self again (kinda lost it along the way)
Be there for my kids and H without losing myself
Experience new things, and meet new people
Keep working out, eating healthily, and studying
Live each day without fear, and with excitement - what is the worst that can happen, 'eh?

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!

Debbie - Welcome back! Wow, 100% on an assignment, I honestly cannot remember the last time I had one of those. Congratulations

I know, there won't be any "grand gesture" - not going to happen. I think what bugs me is that he seems to expect things to continue as if nothing happened. And, maybe that is the way it should be. I still don't feel safe and secure in my M, and that's probably going to take a long time.

You and me both. More than anything else in the world, I believe NG just wants to forget the affair ever happened. Which I suppose is better than obsessing about the ow, but still... hello, injured party here. Sigh.

I guess we move on. As hard as it is some days.

So, tell us about your new nest. What's the biggest difference?

Slowly