Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Moving On with H

Last thread is locked, so thought I would start a fresh one.

Quick overview of sitch:

Me - 47 (turning 48 next month)
H - 43
4 children - 3 still at home

Here is a brief synopsis of my story:
H had EA last year, dropped the B May 2004, I did the usual pleading, etc. Discovered the EA July 2004. He said he ended it in August 2004 and that he wanted to remain married. We went through a lot of ups and downs. I finally told him I had had enough, and we decided to separate in February 2005, however, he never left. He started acting strange for someone whose about to get divorced - for instance, gave me red roses on our anniversary in March 2005. Ultimately, he asked me to stay married to him, and things went very well after that until I discovered that he had lied, and that he had been in contact with OW until April 2005 when he said he ended it. I decided to stay, but told him I needed us to go into MC, that I will have my work cut out to every trust him again. He tells me constantly that he loves me, phones and text messages me several times a day, and things are pretty good. I still, however, do not trust him. ON top of all this, we are moving to a city close to the city the OW lives. I am going along with this because I refuse to allow her to have any power over where I live or what I do. I did, foolishly, phone her, but didn't get much out of that except the satisfaction of telling her that she shouldn't fear that I would tell her H what had been going on, among other things. Probably wasn't a good thing to do.

Anyway, this is where we're at now. We are in the middle of moving. Just sold our house, and made an offer on another. H and S18 is in the new city, while myself and D12 and D18 are back home preparing for the move.

More later .... The journey continues.

Why is it so darn difficult for the WAH to give up the OW even after they say they want to work on the marriage and that they love us. I used to post and have been lurking for some time
My situation
H 48
I am 47
2 boys 11 and 17
Husband moved out in January 04 after saying he lost the spark. Was having an A with OW who works with him in a very small (5 person) office. Although H moved out he never was out of my life, wanted his cake and eat it too.
In June 04 I told H that was it I had enough etc etc. He agreed to move home. All the things that go along with that were there. the ups and downs the mistrust. Finally in January 05 I logged into his work email and discovered the A was still going on. He was literally living two lives. He ended it (at least the PA) but the emotional was still there. Ups and downs continue, mostly ups. Finally in June I heard a voice mail from her to him which sent me into a tailspin. Told H I was out ..
He ended it but now still works with her and does what he can I believe to comfort her. She is cleary an emotional basketcase.
Well this weekend something different happened. My H's company picnic was Sunday and we were going . MC suggested and told us we had to do it together. H was not looking forward to it but knew we had to do it. OW said she was going, it was her right yada yada ya. Down deep I knew she wouldnt go because she didnt have the guts and is emotionally very week. Sure enough she was a no show. But it sent a statement loud and clear. I think she beleived H wouldnt end up going or would get me to back out. When my H didnt do that it finally told her he was done with her. Well Monday and Tuesday she was and emotionally at the office and my H FINALLY FINALLY told her to get the..... out of his life and move on. He came to my office yesterday morning in tears and very emotional. I have been telling him for months we can do this together and he needs to be honest with me how she is handling it. He has been trying to make her happy and me. Cant have it both ways. there is nothing he can do to make this woman happy short of starting the A up again and I know he hasnt done that. I have been waiting for him to get mad at her and tired of it and I think he is finally there. In the past he has gotten mad at her but only after I have discovered contact was made. this was different , he came to me visibly upset and told me without me asking that he is tired of it all. AMEN.
Lets hope he sticks with it. I have to be strong, not question him, not get mad at him (which isnt always easy) and show him I can handle what he tells me. Otherwise he backs off and feels he is getting it from both ends. I have a feeling its not the end though because the OW is desperate and living in a fantasy world and they work so close together.
Just cant beleive it that we are over a year back living together and almost two years into this mess and we are still dealing with it.

Sorry to hijack your thread but I am thinking posting here may make me feel better.

Sounds very familiar. Can't wait to hear more. Is H having trouble breaking off the EA or is it really "over" but he thinks they can remain friends?

He knows they cant remain friends. I beleive what is happening is he stands firm and is cold and distant to her and then as time goes on things start to ease up and then she get emotional with him and he feels bad and he says " I know this is difficult and its tough for me but we need to find a way to make it work and get on with our own lives" She hears this as " He still cares for me" and so she keeps looking for his shoulder to cry on. He is trying to keep it under wraps at work and because its a small office and she is emotional and gets pouty etc etc he gets scared and then backs off from being distant. Does that make sense. I have been saying for months that nothing is going to make her realize hes done until he gets mad and comes right out and says I DONT LOVE YOU. I think that is what finally happended yesterday. My H is a very emotional man and wears his feelings on his sleeve so he is trying to keep his emotions under wrap. I would be a fool to think he doesnt still care for this woman in some way and it will take time for her to become a distant memory but almost impossible to happen until he finds a new job. He is looking. I do believe he not only loves me that he is where he wants to be and wants to put this all behind him but its taking so much longer because of the work situation. He is fearful that I am going to get fed up and decide enough is enough. Thats why he hides his emotions from me. She is relentless though and keeps coming back with notes and voice mails at the office. He told her yesterday "no more note" the next time you put a note on my desk I am going to leave it there for all to see.
I hope he can stay focused and stay angry about it but its highly unlikely. Thats why I have to take the high road and not pressure him or let him see me getting frustrated.
I wish she would latch on to someone else.

I don't mind the hijack at all, KMFLA!

My H also said that they were just friends - yeah right! When I spoke to her, she tried to blame my H (and, of course, he is also to blame), but what a wonderful 'friend' that is, 'eh! What I do appreciate about my H, is that he ended the contact himself, without my input or influence. He finally decided it was over. However, he didn't tell her that he is no longer 'in love' with her, which kinda upset me. I needed him to say those words to her and to tell her that he loves his wife, but he didn't. So, we will sort that out in counselling, I hope. This is one of the reasons I don't trust him. I don't trust his motives for wanting to stay married. I think it's the children and that isn't fair on them. He says he loves me, that he didn't really love her, that it was a fantasy and he didn't know what he was thinking, but a part of me just doesn't believe him.

Time will tell, I guess. I am at a point in my life, and this journey, where if he betrays me again, he is OUT, and I will be perfectly happy to be on my own. I will not be going through this again. I only agreed to continue our M because, at least, the A wasn't a physical (I don't know how y'all deal with that) - not sure what I would've done then.

When we had agreed to get divorced, I was quite relieved. I would keep talking to him about my plans after we separate, started looking for a house, was spending more time at the gym and with friends. I was excited about my future. I still wonder if I did the right thing taking him back. Ultimately, I think I would've regretted it down the road if I hadn't, but I still wonder. After all, being with someone who had betrayed me was not fun at all. I had lost my respect and trust for him, but I still loved him. I think this detached attitude I had finally made me attractive to him. Who knows what finally brings them home, though?

Glad to have you back on here. Unfortunately for me this is twice out of the same gate. I'll be back later with more input.

Quote:

---

I only agreed to continue our M because, at least, the A wasn't a physical (I don't know how y'all deal with that) - not sure what I would've done then.

---

Sometimes, I honestly feel that what hurts most is the lies, not just that he felt for someone else or even the sex, but the lies. I'd have thought after 22 years, I deserved at least the respect of him being honest with me, y'know?

Slowly

I agree slowly, the continual lies really hurt. If it was just a PA we would have been alot further along in rebuilding our marriage.

Being Me- my H was always responding to OW after breakup by saying I love my "family" and I want to work on my marriage".... OW was hearing that as "but I still love you"
Finally H said I LOVE MY WIFE AND I DONT LOVE YOU. Now I am hoping my H can finally begin to heal and really put this behing him.

Yeah, the lying is what really got to me, and I am finding it harder to forgive that then some of the things he said to OW about me, and the sexual content of their conversations. I am trying really hard to move past it all, and get on with my life while still remaining married to H.

What seems to hurt me is the fact that in my sitch she really doesn't seem to regret what she has done. I've really been trying to move on and as if, but I don't want to be in this rut for the rest of my life.

I know, patience.