Individuals without a sex drive do not understand why they are not interested
I can relate to that. Wish they would have had a answer in the article. Knowing you don't have one and figuring out why is so other end of the spectrum
"That was nice, but I don't ever need to do it again." This can be very frustrating to a person who believes that by providing a fantastic orgasm for a disinterested partner, that partner will be "cured" of their low desire. It doesn't happen that way.
Ah this one is a line of real confusion. I myself feel this way no matter how many orgasms I have afterwards I still have no great desire to have another one. Why? When I go to the beach and have a relaxing fun filled day I cannot wait to do it again. When I use to go out dancing for a evening and had a good time I would always plan on doing it again sometimes the next day. Now that I don't dance often I look back longingly at when I did and miss the enjoyment. When I spend a day going to yard sales with a friend and enjoy myself I want to do it again. So why is it if enjoyment motivates me to repeat actions or memories of enjoyable activities makes me yearn to repeat those actions that this does not spill over into orgasims? It really makes no sense and befuzzles me to no end. Why is it just this one thing that no matter how much I enjoy it I still do not have a desire to repeat it or yearn for it in its absence.? Would make sense if it was across the board for all enjoyable activities if I had a I can take it or leave it attitude but I do not.
All too often we confuse sexual desire with emotional love ." Love and sexual appetite are not the same. Physical attraction, sexual chemistry, physical lust operates on a totally different program than emotional caring and commitment.
This statement though I agree with seems to be a contradiction of what so many people on this board feel with there need to feel desired and wanted.To have there love tank filled through the emotional bonds they achieve through sexual fufillment. All that seems to go against the grain of what this statement indicates. These statements though seemingly logical to me may in themselfs smack of LDness just for that reason I can relate to them. This statement to me says that love and sex are two different beast that dwell in the same cave and from the outside we only hear there roars many of us mistake there to be only one beast when in reality there are two. That line of thought is going back to where I walked into this forum that my H sex drive is all about sex not about love. Don't know if I am ready to throw all my new found understanding in the trash and go back and hop down that bunny trail again.
It is practically impossible to talk someone into feeling something, and often the attempts to do so either drive the persons further away or cause them to feel guilty.
Gosh I just called bingo on this one. Not only can I not be talked into feeling something I do not by my H I cannot talk myself into it. And the guilt of not feeling it is overwhelming at the moment.
Funny how they can make pills to help you deal with your emotions and your emotional state by dulling them. When they gonna come out with one that makes you able to feel? The feeling pill that makes you feel all you should. No need to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why to just hit a dead end wall as to how. Just pop this little pill and all is good. I will be first in line for a prescription for that.
Some older men still have desire, but are unable to become aroused, yet with stimulation of their soft penises, they will ejaculate (orgasm).
Interesting I never knew that.
Well again Lil I loved the post. Cannot wait for a post with all the magical whys to be answered? Dam slap Chrissy back to reality Some questions have no logical clear cut anwers.
I've been away at a conference since last week, so I'm way behind on stuff here... but Chrissy, your statement (following the quote from the article)
Quote: "That was nice, but I don't ever need to do it again." This can be very frustrating to a person who believes that by providing a fantastic orgasm for a disinterested partner, that partner will be "cured" of their low desire. It doesn't happen that way.
Ah this one is a line of real confusion. I myself feel this way no matter how many orgasms I have afterwards I still have no great desire to have another one. Why?
is one of the most fascinating things ever posted in this forum...
I had a really interesting session with my C yesterday. She's not exactly a therapist; she teaches this technique called "focusing," which is sort of like the Vertical Drop from Undefended Love, but you get there quicker and can apply it in all situations. It's a way of going inside and getting a sense of what is going on with you physically and emotionally in any given situation.
Anyway, maybe some of this will be useful to someone in clarifying their own emotional position. We talked all around my feeling re lack of physical affection/sex in my R, and bf's ED issues, and his attitude's effect on me, etc. Where we got to was quite revealing.
The bottom line is that I do not feel that his love for me is for Me as a special and unique person (yes, I know the need to feel special is a uniquely 4 trait, but bear with me..). We were talking about things that make me feel loved by him. He does do many nice things for me. For example, last week I was feeling bad and he cooked me dinner and I really appreciated it. But he would have cooked dinner for anyone who was feeling bad. He offered to make a total stranger a carrot cake last week. It's a lovely quality of his. He calls me by a pet name (actually we call each other by this name), but he also calls his Mom that name, his daughters, AND our dog! I don't call anyone else by this name except him.
I want interaction, contact, something from him that he only gives to me and no one else. Others on the board have said their R's have become roommate R's. Well, what distinguishes loving roommates from lovers if not sex? But it's not "just sex" (hate that phrase). Sex is an indication that your partner sees you in this special unique role that is reserved only for you and no one else.
Speaking of the dog... when he interacts (is it really interaction if all the dog does is look adoringly at him?) with the dog, he says stuff like, "Buddy is the BEST dog in the world.. he's the smartest, the prettiest, the cutest." Well, dammit, I'd like him to be saying that I'M the smartest, prettiest, cutest... but I know he doesn't see me that way. I cannot seem to rise to the level of specialness with him. THAT'S what's missing from this R. He told me early on, before we got too serious, that his Mom and daughters would always come first. His former gf couldn't get past this... he would tell her, "You're not last; you're just not first."
I certainly don't want to supplant them or compete with them (and I make a point of not competing). I feel that I have joined them and am on an equal plane in his affection and regard. He would probably kill to defend me, as he would to defend one of them.
Those of you who are married can at least say that at one time each of you chose the other above all others. That is a drawback to not being married, although certainly many unmarried couples have the same level of commitment and specialness that married couples do. (And one of the reasons gay couples want marriage to be available to them, so they can make this binding public declaration that is very meaningful.)
No one has to remind my of my ambivalent feelings for him apart from the lack of sex. I know he is reflecting my own ambivalence back to me. I've know that-- it's just that this discussion of my wanting to be special uncovered an interesting aspect of it.
There's more- but I've got to run to class-- the C shared with me that she had a 7-year R with a guy who was physically impotent from an accident (but otherwise physically okay), and that for a couple of years he wouldn't talk about it and was basically mortified and ashamed. Finally when she realized what was going on, gradually they were able to bring it out in the open and become creative in their expressions of affection and sexuality. She said it was the most satisfying and rewarding sexual R she has ever had (she's also in her 50's like me). Needless to say, this really got my attention. I mentioned in the first line of this post, that she's a teacher of this technique, not a C, because normally a C would not share an anecdote like this. But the synchronicity of my winding up with someone who can so totally relate to my sitch is pretty remarkable.
Lil, Can you identify the types of things that would meet this need? Do you need more WOA from him? Letters? Affection? How would you best want him to show you that you are special to him?
I REALLY got you here. As a fellow - 4 I not only understand what you are getting at but that it is not really about LL. I have favorite LL's but as a four I can really be spoken to in all of them depending how they are given. KWIM? It is more the how than the what.
Like your bf my h is very generous to EVERYONE. He calls me honey but calls our kids that, relatives, and several our friends also. If he wants company while running errands it is ok if I have time to come along or one of the kids or a next door neighbor or whatever. He might pat my fanny once in a while but has also been known to do the same on occasion with our pregnant DIL. I REALLY do know what is to know I am "loved" but not necessarily special. Much of our R could be lived with him and any roomate/best friend whom he respected, enjoyed spending time with and shared private information with. THat part is nice and I don't want to part with it but my question to him is - why me then?
H occasionally sends me a card in the mail. That makes me feel special because at least he picked it FOR ME. However, he does the same for our kids and some friends etc... Sooooo....its back again to sex. That is the one thing that we share that presumably neither of us does with anyone else.
Lil, You seem emotionally invested in your R with your bf. If he is not as invested as you are, why do you think he continues to stay with you?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I agree 100% with what both of you are saying. Marriage are to be UNIQUE relationships above all others. From a HD perspective, it is SEX that elevates your relationship to that level. I am curious though if any LD's out there could give their perspective on this. Is there something that they do/want that elevates a relationship to this level in their terms? What is it that a LD does for their spouse/relationship that they do not do with anyone else, that morally/ethically/religously can ONLY be done with their spouse?
