Last night something cute happened: We were sitting at the table eating, which we do whenever we eat in. (We never sit in front of the tv to eat, which is what my late H and I did every night except Friday.) The mood was light-hearted. I said, "So am I the Woman of Your Dreams?" His face sort of mock-fell, and he said, "Aw, don't go pullin' that 'girl' sh*t on me." I said, "Well, I'm a girl, and that's what girls do." So I waited, and he got more uncomfortable. I could tell that some woman or women had used this kind of talk to nail his feet to the floor in the past-- or at least that was the way he was remembering it. Finally, after looking all around the room and fidgeting, he said softly, looking at the tabletop, "Yes, you're the Woman of My Dreams." I didn't say anything; I just beamed and beamed, and he smiled, too. (I obviously scare the cr@p out of him.) I belive he meant it. It was very sweet and made me happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good bf, very good bf!!!
Congrats Lillie! Sounds like he's a bit shy about those sorts of declarations, but your reaction was perfect, and I hope bf sees that and gives it another try!
Also how do you know your special hmmm well he told you his mom and daughters were special to him both those relationships I am sure are special to him for different reasons. He now treats you the same as he treats the other special ladys in his life. And I am sure that you are special to him for a different reasons. He seems to honor all he holds dear and you fall within that dynamic. I put mustard on any kind of sandwich I eat but that does not mean I like them all the same. It means that I like the flavor of mustard sometimes I use it to cover up the flavor of a sandwich or sometimes I just want to add a little more flavor. My meaning if he sends all four of you flowers the reasons he does is probably just as different as the reasons I put mustard on all of my sandwiches. I would feel a sense of honor myself is someone thought I was special enough to be treated with the same respect they would treat others of high value in there life.
In other words, spouses who have needs/desires (even outside the sexual) who are left to pursue those needs/desires (even though society sanctions them as not being limited to a marital relationship) are spouses who will be investing emotional energy outside of their marriage and who will be vulnerable to extramarital affairs.
That would probably help explain why LD spouses are just as inclined to have affairs as are HDs.
If ever I was to have a affair I do believe this would be the basis of it not sex but the need to fufill the aspects of my wants that do not relate to the sexual side of my marriage that lack so much within my relationship. I could never just go out and have sex that is not within me. But if I befriended someone of the oppisite sex that meet emotional needs that my H does not I could not swear that at some point it would not fall into a physical relationship. In the dynamics of my M a real R lacks essence if that were to transpire with another person I fear what kind of a reliance I may form on that other person.
Evidently recreational companionship is a biggy on my wanta meter. Even *I* think it sounds goofy
I do not think this sounds goofy anymore then I think my saying I want to have a person to have a real indepth relationship not just a sex life with sounds goofy. It may not be want everyone cares about but that is what makes us all different.
Chrissy, I'm honored to be on a level with them. I'm pleased that he cares for me as much or nearly as much as his mom and daughters. That's not the issue. It's truly not a contest to see who he loves more.
The issue is that I want to be "special" in that he desires me sexually. That is a way in which I want his affection/love/caring for me to be different from the feelings he has for them, kwim?
Do you really not see that his desiring me sexually-- and acting on that desire-- would set me apart from all the women in his life and that that would be meaningful to me?
Or do you find your H's sexual desire for you meaningless? If he STOPPED acting sexual toward you, wouldn't you wonder if he still loved you in a special way?
I would really like to hear from an LD person on this question: when you have a spouse who has a steady and reliable desire for you, can you imagine how it might affect you if they just stopped acting sexual toward you-- for years? It's easy to say sexual vibes between the H and W aren't the core of the marriage or all that important when you're at a feast. You can focus on other things, and even be a bit annoyed that they "want" you all the time. When that "want" disappears over a long period of time, can you imagine what that might do to your feelings about the marriage, about your spouse's feelings for you, and about yourself?
Quote: Do you really not see that his desiring me sexually-- and acting on that desire-- would set me apart from all the women in his life and that that would be meaningful to me?
Yes, I do see that receiving this from him would be very meaningful to you and would make you feel special.
Quote:
Or do you find your H's sexual desire for you meaningless? If he STOPPED acting sexual toward you, wouldn't you wonder if he still loved you in a special way?
I can't speak for Chrissy, but I don't find it meaningless. I find that it is a "love language" that doesn't speak to me as deeply as it does others.
Quote: I would really like to hear from an LD person on this question: when you have a spouse who has a steady and reliable desire for you, can you imagine how it might affect you if they just stopped acting sexual toward you-- for years? It's easy to say sexual vibes between the H and W aren't the core of the marriage or all that important when you're at a feast. You can focus on other things, and even be a bit annoyed that they "want" you all the time. When that "want" disappears over a long period of time, can you imagine what that might do to your feelings about the marriage, about your spouse's feelings for you, and about yourself?
Let's turn that the other way. What if your boyfriend seldom spent time with you. What if there was no garden work, no choir, no trips, no weekend visits, no church, no dinners, little or no interaction on a daily basis. What if he just showed up at 9pm each night, wanted sex and then left?
Quote: Evidently recreational companionship is a biggy on my wanta meter. Even *I* think it sounds goofy
I do not think this sounds goofy anymore then I think my saying I want to have a person to have a real indepth relationship not just a sex life with sounds goofy. It may not be want everyone cares about but that is what makes us all different.
Chrissy, when you think of in-depth relationship, I believe you had mentioned deeper conversations. Are you wanting personal revelation type conversations, or are you thinking more of the philosophical type meaning of life sorts?
I've been reading through The Five Love Languages again and ran across the category that seems to speak to me the most. "Quality Activities". Here's a couple of quotes:
"Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you has an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk aay from it feeling "He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude." That is love, and for some people it is love's loudest voice. ...One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his lead, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oy, yes the hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are the memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time." __________
I especially am drawn to the phrase, "they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead."
Why not have sexual encounters on that list. I ask because I too think like this, but it is usually about the best sexual encounters I had with my wife. Can sex be considered quality time?
Quote: I find that it is a "love language" that doesn't speak to me as deeply as it does others.
I believe this is the crux of the matter-- the essential difference between the way LDs and HDs look at sex.
You also wrote
Quote: Let's turn that the other way. What if your boyfriend seldom spent time with you. What if there was no garden work, no choir, no trips, no weekend visits, no church, no dinners, little or no interaction on a daily basis. What if he just showed up at 9pm each night, wanted sex and then left?
No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex. That is not a problem in this R, nor in many of the Rs on this board. Many, if not most, of the people posting here say everything else is good-- activities, values, fun together-- but that for the HDs, when sex, or a feeling of sexual connection, whether or not it is acted upon, is missing, something VERY IMPORTANT is missing.
Maybe I can put it this way: shared activities, etc. is a necessary but not sufficient condition for me to be satisfied, AND sex* is a necessary, but not sufficient condition for me to be satisfied. Both are necessary.
______________ * By "sex" I mean more than "doing it"-- I mean a feeling of being sexually connected, feeling desire, and feeling desired.
Yes I do understand that you crave his physical attention I was responding to the question of how if he does the same for all do you know you are special. There are other indicators other then sex to show someone that they are special to you.
Do you really not see that his desiring me sexually-- and acting on that desire-- would set me apart from all the women in his life and that that would be meaningful to me? This is a yes and no question for me. Though yes I do understand what you are saying I know plenty of people in relationships not marriages that say someone is specical to them have sex with them but are also having sex with someone else within that same time frame.Or have had sex with plenty of other people in there life at some point. So I guess for me the having sex thing while nice would not equate to I am special. Example a ex of mine was not big into PDA but was incapable of not touching me when we were together this was not sexual but more walking past me and touching my arm or some small thing. His mom was amazed she had never seen him drawn to touch someone before. This made me feel special not the sex which was a good thing because he was having sex with several other people at the time without my knowledge. What made it different was in public he never touched them. Those innocent touches are what made me feel special and to this day as far as his mom says he still has never been publicly touchy with anyone else since. Sorta a jaded example but the only one I could come up with at the moment. Seeings I have to dig far back for memories of someone making me feel special in a relationship.
Or do you find your H's sexual desire for you meaningless? If he STOPPED acting sexual toward you, wouldn't you wonder if he still loved you in a special way?
Do I find it meaningless for him no. If he stopped acting sexual toward me would I wonder if he still loved me in a special way. His sexual desire does not make me feel special in any way I derive no sense of being loved by him from his sexual desire so the answer is no.
When that "want" disappears over a long period of time, can you imagine what that might do to your feelings about the marriage, about your spouse's feelings for you, and about yourself?
Lil for myself and myself only I do not think it would change how I feel about myself my self worth is not based on my H and his desires. And I do not think it would change the way I view my H feelings towards me either. Now I do feel it may have some impact on my marriage you level our drives out and take that out of the main focal point and you have a chance to build on other things. That may be the healhiest thing to come along and help my marriage
Quote: No question about it-- I would cease to feel special or loved if ALL he wanted was sex. That is not a problem in this R, nor in many of the Rs on this board. Many, if not most, of the people posting here say everything else is good-- activities, values, fun together-- but that for the HDs, when sex, or a feeling of sexual connection, whether or not it is acted upon, is missing, something VERY IMPORTANT is missing.
NOP would have said that everything else was good too.
