I commented about how I liked her pony tail and that was always one of my favorite looks for her, and her reply was "will you stop doing that already!" She told me the other day she was having a hard time with me being so nice to her all of the time. I'm sure it's making her feel guilty because she feels no compulsion to return the compliment.
She doesn't want to compliment your pony tail?
I don't think I've ever met a woman who doesn't like a compliment, although there are those who feel uneasy accepting compliments out of modesty. But if I go with the premise that women appreciate compliments, then I'm led to wonder if it's more about how you are expressing the compliments that affects her rather than that you're complimenting her.
It's difficult to say exactly why she's asking you to stop, could be feigned modesty, could be guilt, but if it's guilt, I'd not think it's guilt about not returning the praise. It may be more about that she's done a sh*tty thing that affected you badly, and there you are, still demonstrating appreciation of her through it all.
Reading through your post on the MLC confirms that, as she told you "would you stop being so damn nice to me, I'm treating you and (son) horribly and I don't deserve for you to be so nice."
So, since this behavior now is the "new, nicer" you, you've changed the dynamics around on her, and aren't giving her justification for her untoward behavior. She's struggling with that, it appears. She can't get you to get angry at her when she blasts you; out of frustration she simply demands that you stop being so nice!
I expressed some concern about this in my other thread as to whether I should stop or continue. Am I violating one of her "boundaries", or is she testing my fortitude and stamina to keep changes going?
She's going to continue to fight it, most likely, to try and get you back into being the guy she left, or she'll have to eventually change her reaction to accommodate the new nicer you's behavior. Given that, I wouldn't stop.
Once again, NYS, you've come through and validated my gut feeling. I'm trying really hard to limit my contact with her, and any interaction beyond handing our son off is at her invitation. A funny thing I've noticed is that she has been making a lot of forward-facing "we" statements. i.e. "we're going to have to come up with a better plan for child care, we can't have another summer like this", "this money will come in just in time for Christmas, we can leave the credit cards at home for shopping this year" As I expressed earlier, her Bday is next week and I feel like I should make some overture to celebrate it. She even casually mentioned to me, if you were planning on getting me anything for my bday, don't bother, I know money is tight. This statement has been said many times in the past during tight financial times, and there was no difference in the delivery of it this time. So she's not refusing anything, and I already said I had something in mind that wouldn't cost a whole lot, to which she replied with a curious, "oh!?!" Plus, in three weeks, we have to travel to CT...believe it or not, I'm standing up in her brother's wedding...she has no responsibility, but we have to go up early. I'm sure there will be requests for family photos and such for the wedding album, so I'm kind of shooting for that as a milestone to see how she responds to any of these requests. I had already expressed concern to her family that I wasn't sure if I should be in the wedding, as I don't want to be photoshopped out of all the photos at a later date. They were concerned that I felt that way, and said I had better not back out, they would ask her to stay home before they asked me to. Early in our sep, she told them that they don't know the real me, but I'm thinking a lot of that was said in anger and as an attempt to justify her actions. They all sided with me and said that I'd have to be pretty cold and calculating to have not given some indication in 13 years that I was the a$$hole she was trying to make me out to be. She has since rescinded that assesment. Like I said, we have been enjoying positive interaction, i just don't know if I'm cracking the emotional wall at this point, and am any closer to some display of affection. That was one of my goals, to have her offer me an unsolicited hug or kiss at some point. am i being unrealistic?
As I expressed earlier, her Bday is next week and I feel like I should make some overture to celebrate it. She even casually mentioned to me, if you were planning on getting me anything for my bday, don't bother, I know money is tight. This statement has been said many times in the past during tight financial times, and there was no difference in the delivery of it this time. So she's not refusing anything, and I already said I had something in mind that wouldn't cost a whole lot, to which she replied with a curious, "oh!?!"
You have to learn "girl speak".
"If you were planning on getting me anything for my bday, don't bother, I know money is tight"
actually means
"Surprise me with something!!!"
I had already expressed concern to her family that I wasn't sure if I should be in the wedding, as I don't want to be photoshopped out of all the photos at a later date.
Why be so fatalistic? Be in the photos, you have no idea how your participation and presence may positively affect things. It certainly gives you loads of ops, and not just photo ops.
we have been enjoying positive interaction, I just don't know if I'm cracking the emotional wall at this point, and am any closer to some display of affection. That was one of my goals, to have her offer me an unsolicited hug or kiss at some point. am I being unrealistic?
I know MWD writes of goals as pertaining to the steps the LBS would like to see from the WAS, but their steps are of their own making and come in their own time. I'd love to see physical affection coming from my WAS, more than the hugs she gives me, so the question becomes, what must I be doing as my goals, rather than hers, for now.
Astute observations, all! Oh, I'm painfully aware of girlspeak. I put that right up there with, "does this dress make me look fat?" In the past, I always managed to surprise her, I just thought in light of the recent circumstances, would she misinterpret any gift as she has been misinterpreting many of my other actions. She's all about the "don't pressure me" phase. Not that I see acknowledging a birthday as pressure. Secondly, I'm not fatalistic...all of my misgivings about the BIL wedding were prior to my enlightenment through DB'ing. You couldn't keep me away now....I need a good party. After seeing the Wedding Crashers, is it appropriate to crash a wedding you're already in? We'll be wearing Kilts and i've been working my legs extra hard in the gym to turn my chicken legs into beef sticks. Which reminds me, just what does one wear under a kilt?!? Plus, my W doesn't like to dance at all (we didn't even dance together at our own wedding), but I intend to "shake my groove thang". It's been a few years since I've hit a dance floor, but I'm not too shy to "bust a'move". She knows this as she has seen me at other weddings and office parties, but in the past I've refused a lot of invitations to dance so that she wouldn't have to sit alone. Not this time! Good thought on the goals as well. I'll just keep DB'ing and GAL and maybe, just maybe, she'll realize I'm sincere and not just putting on an act and then one of her goals will be to make one of my goals happen. thanks again, NYS!
I'm reviving this thread....okay, I did what I wasn't supposed to but I snooped...I know it's bad for the PMA's but I just couldn't stop myself....I've had access to my W's email accounts and I couldn't stop myself from going in (she even changed her passwords but I figured them out, she has no idea)...anyhow below is what she wrote to a friend just today...
Quote: I do not see (me) and I getting back together. I think he is realizing that. We have begun sorting out our very messy financial situation. It is complicated by the fact that my business is doing really shitty.... ... I just hope we can weather the storm. So this leaves me financially dependent on (me). We are getting along very well, but it is still an uncomfortable situation for me. Throughout our marriage all of the financial disaster can be traced back to some decision I insisted we make. So here we are at the end of our marriage broke again because of me. The pisser is (me) is being really great about it. He has every right to tell me to go to hell, but he isn't.
This makes things even more uncomfortable because for some time now I have been very interested in someone else who is also very interested in me (NOT the reason I left (me)). I have told (me) this because for a brief time (while (me) and I were seperated) we entertained the idea of being more than just very good friends and I could not deceive (me), we have been through too much not to be honest with each other. We both agree (OM and I) that now is just not the time to begin what could be a long term relationship. We remain very close. He is the son of my friend K. They are dog groomers. My shop was located around the corner from theirs before I moved. We are both very active in dog rescue, so we work together often. Infact, we are planning to go down to New Orleans to help with the rescue efforts there. I realize that my life has been in turmoil to say the least for the last few years and that my head might not be screwed on tight these days, but I really think this guy is the one. It makes me realize just how wrong (me)and I are for each other. I think he (OM) feels the same way, but is as frightened by it as me. Maybe more so because he(OM) has been burned pretty bad in the past. Anyway, things have to settle down to some sense of normal (if that exists) before I would consider a relationship with him. So that leaves me back to sorting out details with (me) so we can separate our lives (to the extent that we ever will given that we have two children together). I just wish I was more financially stable. I hate the fact that he (me) is bailing me out yey again even though he knows that I am interested in someone else. It makes me feel pretty shitty. I did not ask for any of this to happen, it just did. I wish I could turn the clock back a few years, but I can't so I have to deal with the cards I have been given. My new strategy is to wake up each day and see what the hell is going to happen next. One thing I have learned is that things always sort themselves out the way they are supposed to be. Sometimes you are just supposed to be along for the ride. I feel like that has been my life for the last few years!
So, it's out there, and exactly as I suspected, but she is now telling people that she intends to ditch me when things get better. Financially we are tied together with all of our debt. She is sitting right across from me as I write this and is getting ready to go out for her birthday, doubtless OM will be there. WHAT DO I DO??? Should I immediately stop bailing her out. I'm supposed to take her out for her birthday tomorrow. We're supposed to go to her brother's wedding in two weeks. I was going to buy her a new dress for the wedding, but the heck with that now. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but this just confirms what I already knew. I just need to be buoyed up here. Within the next month, I have to go out of town three times for business, and all of those times I will be around many available women with whom I've partied before, and had it not been the fact that I was married and loved my wife, I had opportunities for hook-ups. I'm probably not going to be terribly resistant, especially if alcohol is involved.... HELP!
I'm sorry you are going thru this. Your W is very, very hurt and confused. This is SO obvious in the email. Her inner turmoil must be as great as yours is. She is being pulled in different directions, and she doesn't really know what she wants (she thinks she does). What is also obvious, is that the OM has a low self esteem - and she is battling with this because she doesn't want to hurt him (he has been burned badly in the past). This seems to be a common thing for the walk-aways who are involved with an OP. Almost inevitably, the OP has had a bad R that they have been hurt very badly in. In my first separation, it took WAW about 3-4 months to break it off w/ OM because she was afraid of hurting him like he had been hurt in the past.
As far as the financial....only YOU can make that decision. Personally, I would stop bailing her out of everything. She has made the decision to leave. She should also have to live with the consequences. It's equivalent to a teenager running away from home, but asking for money to do so ahead of time.
As always, these are just my thoughts. YOU must do what you feel the need to do. May God bless you and your wife in this very difficult and confusing time, my friend.
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I have recently become disillusioned with my cheating WAW, so my advice may have been different a month or so ago when I was wearing my rose colored glasses, but I agree with LBH, pull the plug on her financially. You can still DB and try to draw her back into your life, but it sounds like she is just being a parasite right now. Just my opinion. Again, I'm a bit bitter and disillusioned, so maybe other, more stalwart DBers may have different advice.
maxsdad....here it is in a nutshell....snooping is a habit. So, that means it can be broken. NYS will tell you that the words you read in the email don't mean anything tommorrow. He would say that at one time she wrote you words that declared love and committment. Well, that meant something on that day...but not today.
So, I combined two thoughts into one paragraph.
First...snooping. I snooped like mad the first time she left in April. It killed me. I couldn't stop. Every time I snooped I learned more information. At first I thougth it was giving me power. It only hurt. Had I not snooped, we might be together. Decisions and thoughts were influenced by what I learned by snooping.
The second time she left in July, I vowed to myself not to snoop. The one time...one time...I did...I hurt myself. I just broke the habit. I don't need to hurt anymore. I am going to get better and save my life (with W or not) without snooping.
Second...the email. I't simple. It doesn't mean anything tommorrow. It just means something when she is writing it. People and feelings change everyday and every minute depending on the influences of the time. She could be ready to say.....I don't love you anymore... and you could walk in with a surprise lunch from her favorite take out place. She gets a smile and a warm thought about you.
Yo, Fellas, I don't have time to address all of you, I just stopped in for a quick view before I head out for the evening. I've got another thread going because I moved out of Infidelity into MLC a while ago, so I had posted my snooping in both and I know it's anti-DB, so I've learned my lesson (until next time) Anyhow, here's the activity from my newest thread:TLC for a MLC
So I can't fill you in right now, but I've got my head screwed on straight today and am ready for GD DB'ing BDay with the W and S. So I'll post again after the festivities and let you know if I'm up or down by the time the night is over. (currently, I think I'm up, so it stands to reason that the evening will end on a downer) Wish me luck! Max's Dad
First we get dumped by our WAS's....now we get dumped by Maxsdad who is leaving us for MLC...that just sucks. Fine...go be with MLC....we are not going to beg...cry...or any of that brand new bomb dropping emotion stuff. We are going to DB you....so this is me turning my back on you.ll..sluoeialdkmnf;woer...kind of hard to type with my back turned to the keyboard.
