Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Is my WAW considering OM??

My life's been in disarray for some time, but I'm feeling guilty about that and I've been wanting to get a lot of the side things back on track...clearing up some clutter at work and at home, and I'm really feeling motivated. Talk about a good vibe...I can't describe it but I'm through being ashamed of the stigma of separation and I don't care who knows. I'm talking to friends and acquaintances about it very matter-of-factly and saying that I'm cool with it because I can only fix me and that's what I'm hell bent on doing.
Funny thing just happened, while typing this post, the W called to say good night to the S...it's well past his bed time and she knows that. She was all apologetic because she didn't have her cell on, but I explained not to worry, we didn't even try to call and we just got home ourselves after a fun evening...she registered some surprise over that. Touche'!

I’ve only been a visitor to this online community for a few days now and I have to admit that I’m developing an addiction to it. I log in at different times of the day and night, and can’t help but wonder if this is becoming an unhealthy obsession. I often see many of the same users on at the same time that I am. While it’s reassuring to see familiar names, I worry that some of us are interfering with our ability to GAL by dwelling on our own miseries or attempting to guide our online compatriots through their difficulties. Time spent in these forums is time taken from other activities. Time spent in these forums keeps the reality (or should I say surreality?) of our situation top of mind which makes it difficult for us to climb out of our ruts. I’m actually feeling really good today and I don’t want to feel guilty about checking in on the site, but it’s like following a soap opera and we are all the stars. It’s at least interactive in that we can tell our favorite characters what to do, and potentially see the outcome of our suggestions.
Does anybody else feel this way? Do you think that constantly airing our complaints about our S’s prevents us from focusing on ourselves? I think it does to some degree, but I guess we all also need a place to vent as well.
Like I said, I actually feel pretty good today. I had to drop off my S6 with my spouse, she apparently was having some difficulty before I showed up and was throwing a fit and started to direct it at me, which in the past would have started some back and forth sniping, but I responded positively, did not take it personally, offered to assist, was rebuked, however, her attitude changed and she looked at me with a rather confused look. I didn’t let it bother me, and I didn’t really think much about it until now. I’ve been too busy. So I would think keeping yourself busy can go further sometimes, as opposed to visiting this site and making yourself miserable again.
Don’t get me wrong, this site has helped me already, and I don’t pass judgement on anyone here, because we each have our own unique set of circumstances, but it really does validate the old saying that “misery loves company”. But it tends to debunk the other saying, “laugh and the world laughs with, cry and you cry alone”. Not true, (specifically the crying part)there are too many compassionate people on this site to let that happen, so it can truly be a Godsend
Got to get back to work, hang in there everybody!!

I'm back on this site, despite my earlier concern that I was becoming obsessed and needed a break. Well, I'm on another break at work, and I had a compulsion to get back on and see what scenarios are playing out. It's amazing that the reactions to our individual nighmtmares do not seem gender specific. Man and woman share equal pain and confusion over the the current situation. Like Newton said, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For everyone of us that wants to make things work, there is a S that is being repelled by our efforts. We can all carry on and improve ourselves and we can all bouy each other up. It's amazing the people who can come to this site enduring their own bit of hell and sometimes acting irrationally can be so lucid about dispensing sanity saving advice. The objectivity is overwhelming when it's somebody elses life you are examining, as opposed to sorting out your own mess. Go figure!
my sitch

Now imagine if each of us could take that "lack of emotion" approach to our own situatons...the only reason we can't is because our emotions get in the way. Since we are already "detached" from everyone else here - then its no problem at all to see the forest from the trees...

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Does anybody else feel this way? Do you think that constantly airing our complaints about our S’s prevents us from focusing on ourselves?

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I feel as you do. I find myself checking in here on a too regular basis. I am interested if anyone has given me advice and I'm curious about how my other favorite threads are unfolding.

I have felt a few times that I am taking time away from my GAL and my kids by obsessing here. Thank you for verbalizing (or should I posting?) this. It has made me think about this.

At least I'm off on a vacation of sorts for the next 4 days, so you won't see me around for at least a little while....

I've been reading this sight on and off for 9 months (sometimes for hours at a time), but have only just started posting for exactly all those reasons you guys have stated.

I realised though that there is some serious therapy to be had here and an opportunity to share in a reasonably sensible community of interest.

I started posting myself because I was worried about living vicariously through other people's dramas and thought it was time to put myself on the line as well and risk the comments and rebukes that members do when you put your innermost thoughts and most personal suffering on the www!!!

I don't think it's a bad thing to spend time at this BB - I think it's just another form of channelling energy that might otherwise be used thinking up unhealthy revenge on spouses or OP.

And speaking of revenge - When I first started reading this BB someone, could have been NYS, wrote something that really appealed to me along the lines of "the best revenge you can get on the OP is to let them keep your spouse" - with pearls of wisdom like that floating around I don't think we are hurting our mental health!!!

Walkingback

Well, I got home from work yesterday and picked up my copy of DR to continue reading, and inserted inside was a letter from my W. It should have been ticking because it was bomb I expected.
Sorry for this, sorry for that, didn't mean for this to happen, attracted to another guy, have to explore these feelings, still love you, don't know if I'm in love with you....yada, yada, yada.
I read it a couple of times to see what might be between the lines, but it was pretty straight forward, with a call me when you're ready to talk.
Well, I went out with the softball team as planned. Called S6 to say goodnight, and asked to speak to W (haven't done this on any other calls), could hear the apprehension in her voice when she came to the phone. I was incredibly pleasant, and said I got her letter, and her tone of voice had a sound of irritation about it.
And I simply said, "hey, I'm cool, I'm okay with it"...she stopped and said "you are?!?!" with an incredible amount of disbelief. I said yeah, I've been preparing myself for it and I expected it, however, I was a tad bit insulted that she thought that I was that dumb that I wouldn't catch on that something was up. She got defensive immediately, and said "wait a minute" nothing is up, nothing has happened. I explained that's not what I meant, but said I had been doing a lot of reading and soul searching and I finally understand why she felt the way she did, and why she needed to leave, and I understand that there are things that I could have done differently that might have prevented that. I said I'm ready to talk any time she wants, so we're having dinner tonight to discuss the sitch.
I think I shocked her by my remarkable calm, and I intend to remain so this evening when we talk. There is going to be no accusations, no need for her to get defensive, and I'm going to validate her feelings and decisions.
Anybody got any advice on things I should say to her?

Anybody got any advice on things I should say to her?

I think you got it. Stay on that track.

You shouldn't say anything much more to her. Let her talk. Follow her lead. She's going to tell you her conflicted feelings, how she thinks this is what she needs to do, yadda, yadda. She may not be entirely forthright or forthcoming with you. She may surprise you with something awful. Be prepared.

It probably won't be easy, so you know that going in. Listen, validate. Stay detached. Don't flinch. Don't drink. Don't argue.

Even in the most adverse of moments, remember there are opportunities to keep it positive/pleasant.

When you're in agreement with someone else's viewpoint, they can't argue with you. They can try to get you to argue, but you control your reactions.

That doesn't mean you're a doormat, nor does it mean you're really of their opinion, you only understand how they're walking in their moccasins and agree that they're entitled to feel what they feel.

You've just had a taste of how powerfully that can work.

You are the General deciding when not to advance and when to retreat, because your goal is to win the war, not every battle.

The relationshp will probably not be saved today, OK? Today just reflects today. It could be saved down the road with every positive step bringing it that much closer.

All went fairly well last night. As I'm currently upstairs from my W's business, I arrived home early and needed a nap as I was up at 4 am to travel for business. She had left me a voice mail message on my cell, and I didn't realize it until I got home, she needed my opinion on something business related. I called her back and she asked where I was, and I said "upstairs", and she was surprised I was home so early, so I just said I'm tired, but she asked if we were still meeting later. I said sure and laid down. A little while later, she knocked on my door to bring me what was left over from her lunch. I thanked her and took it and said I'll see you later...don't know if she was expecting me to invite her in, but I tried not to appear anxious. When her work day was over I expected her to let me know what the plan was for the evening, but I didn't hear from her. I went downstairs to get something from the car, and she asked if I had gotten her messages. I told her no, and then looked at my phone and realized I had turned the ringer off so I could nap. She said anyhow, she had to stay late to wait for a client and wanted to know if I wanted to join her and her asst. for a glass of wine. So even though she knows that in 13 years, I've never been a wine drinker, I obliged and the three of us sat and talked and laughed.

When her client finally arrived, she quickly dispatched her, sent her help home and we headed to our house. OUr S6 was at a family Bday party and we called to see if he could spend the night. So we got down to talking. We started by talking about finances, with her business woes she hasn't contributed to our income since last December, and through some creative financing I've held it all together, but I admitted that it's time for her to contribute. This was an easy discussion.
We than talked about our S6, and I expressed concern that he was acting out a lot with me, becoming easily frustrated with seemingly mundane problems. She at first said she hadn't seen any of that, and thought it might be that he is playing more video games. I said that's not likely and described one of his episodes, and she said that it sounds like he got it from her. I said I was glad she said it, because I agreed. We further discussed how he has seemed to be okay with the current situation, but it's probably time to offer reassurances that Mom and Dad both love him and are having a difficult time getting along ourselves...the kicker for me is that she kept repeating that no matter what happens to us, he has to know we are still a family...even if we end up with somebody else and live on opposite sides of the globe, we will always be a family and always be in each others life. She went on to explain how her new friend has this relationship with all of her Ex's...that at every holiday they all get together with all the various children and spouses...and she thinks that we could work that way if it came down to it. I didn't agree necessarily, but I said I could see where it would have some advantages...validation, validation!!!
Anyhow, we got down to the R talk, which she did most of....
She started by saying "I never thought in a million years it would come to this, but then again, I never thought all of the stuff that happened in the last three years would have happened...
and she listed them continuously throughout
My father died and my S6 (he was 4 at the time) was the one that found him dead on the bathroom floor..
My W quit her job shortly thereafter, and feels as though she was forced out due to professional jealousy of her direct supervisor (I agree)...it was a career in academia as a professor and researcher which she lamented that she had spent her whole adult life preparing for and wanting to do nothing else....
She started up a business, investing most or our savings and securing loans to put us further in debt, only to have our son get sick 3 months into it, and enduring 8 months of treatments before ultimately succumbing to Cancer....we had to sign a DNR for him the day before he died....we hadn't really talked about this together since then and to be honest I haven't seen her cry since his funeral, although she has caught me on several occasions in the middle of a meltdown....well, she finally cracked in my presence last night and it was heart wrenching to know that she has been bottling this up all this time....
Months of unresolved grief, the two of us drifting apart to spare the other our own grief....
The threat to her business that pushed her as close to the edge as she's ever been. She said this was probably the biggest catalyst because it didn't have to happen. Her landlord and her business neighbors conspired to get rid of her, showing absolutely no compassion for the difficulties we had faced...
Needless to say, an insenitive remark on my part to one of her stress related bad moods became the final straw. I said she was being selfish over some such event, and she said that nailed it for her, because she never pictured herself as ever being selfish about anything. So she decided that if I thought she was selfish, then selfish she would be. She decided it's all about her and her own self preservation, and her self esteem, and her personal healing...She said she was angry when she decided to leave me and thought it would be a short term solution. Because I brought her family into it to try to get their help, I was responsible for severing her relationships with her family, especially her mother who she never wants to see or speak to again. She said she blamed me for that but now sees it wasn't really my fault, it just placed a spotlight on the relationship she had/or didn't have with her mother.
Very little talk of the OM, if any. I explained that there is no shame in being attracted to somebody else, it's what you decide to do as a result. She said that's just the problem, she doesn't know what to do. I validated that I know how she feels, that if i had been a more attentive husband when she really needed it, perhaps she wouldn't be looking for attention elsewhere. She said that if she hadn't always lost her temper and taken it out on me, that maybe I wouldn't have put up walls to defend myself. But she says that these feelings she has for the OM are confusing the hell out of her, and she doesn't know what she should do about it. I explained that I can't tell her what to do about this, no more than I can tell her how to do anything else. She has to make her own decisions, and that regardless of what happens, I still love her and since I have no current plans, I will be available to her for whatever she needs.

She made it clear that she wasn't always dissatisfied and said if all of these events of the past three years had not cascaded upon us, we would not be where we are right now. She said the stress finally broke her will and now she doesn't know what she can do about her life. It's as if everything she has ever valued in life has spun out of control, and she doesn't know how to regain it.
I tried to explain that life is a series of choices and you have to live and die by your own choices. If you're making choices there is the grass is always greener approach, but you don't know until you try, and then there is the tried and true, known result approach.
She claims she's always been the latter and look where it got her, dead son, failed career, floundering business, marriage in trouble....she says she is willing to sit back and wait to see whatever life throws at her and she doesn't expect me to wait around while she fixes herself.
So Whaddya' think?? This is sounding like a full blown stress induced MLC?
She says she loves me and I believe her. It was very evident last night. But she also said she is confused and I didn't need her to tell me that, her behaviour over the last several months has made that obvious.
I've decided to back off and just be the best friend she can have right now.
We did have a tight and lingering hug which is the first physical contact I have had with her since she announced she was leaving. It felt so good...and now I want more, but as NYS points out in his posts all over these boards, patience is your greatest ally right now.
I did tell her that I appear to be doing so good with this because I've already endured the worst experience that life can throw at you....by comparison this is a walk in the park, and once I diffused my negative energy early in the process, I can only be positive about it.
If you've stuck around this long, thanks for listening!!