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Journaling:

Just a quick entry here.

H called a while ago and sounded very down. He said he ultimately wants to be with me, but he wasn't saying that he was or wasn't coming back home just yet. He also told me that he's not trying to get my hopes up or anything like that. I told him he's not. H asked me what I thought (BTW, he apologized as usual for his tirade last night), and I just told him that whatever happens, happens.....but if he chose to come home and he was still miserable, then I would be, too.

I'm not sure of much right now. Maybe inside I'm still hot and bothered from yesterday....and every other time H goes off on me....I just don't feel like I want this as much as I did back in February.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

I've had a lot going on....in my head....in my heart.

I think I've been confusing my fear of being a single mother and "needing" H as still being in love with him....did that make sense??....Nothing makes a whole lot of sense to me anymore anyway.

The one thing I do understand is that I want MY life back. Not the R, not the M, not even H....MY life. THAT'S what I want.

I remember back in junior high and high school that I was frequently called a nice, sweet, and happy girl....What happened to her? Where did she go? When was the last time "that JV" was around???.......It's been a veeerrryyy looooong time since I've seen her or felt her presence. Sure there's been happy moments during the H years, but I truly believe and feel in my heart and my mind that they will never return. Not for me. Never.

H is a good guy. He can even be great at times. He can be caring, sensitive, funny, passionate, whatever......but now when I think about him or see him, I don't feel it for him anymore....even when he's trying very hard to be a gentleman.

I've taken all I can from him, and I can take no more. He has done and said soooo much to crush my self-esteem into teeny-tiny bits.....Why would I want to be with someone like that?....He will never change. Never...and I'm not making myself out to be the victim here. I played my part, too -- I know this. The difference is I'm determined to change it for myself and for my children...and I will.

I'm moving on, and I'm saying all of this calm and collected. I've never been so calm, and I've never been so sure of anything like I am now in the whole 12 years we were together. I can feel it, and I know it. I am going to be ok. I am going to be just fine.

My number one goal right now -- I don't think I mentioned this ever before because, well...it is very embarrassing, and I've felt ashamed and...stupid...for not finishing this -- My number one goal is to get my high school diploma. I screwed up in school....I never completed the 12th grade. I fell about 15 credits short of graduation. Why?...I don't know why. I think a lot of it for me was feeling pressured to excel in school. The pressure was there everyday for me since the 6th grade. I felt I HAD to do good...I felt I was EXPECTED to do very good...and slowly, I gave up. I stopped trying so hard, and I stopped caring.....and I've regretted it ever since.

But now I'm going to do it. It may be 12 years later, but I AM GOING TO DO IT. I've already signed up and paid for all my materials, and they should arrive sometime this week or early next week. It's an online program (and yes, they're accredited), and I can work at my own pace. If I can dedicate at least an hour or two each day during the week, I will have my diploma in 6 months to a year. I am very happy and excited about this!! I am PROUD of MYSELF.<-----------That last sentence there made me cry , but I'm alright now.

I've talked with my family about this, and they are being absolutely wonderful!!! I am soooooo fortunate and extremely grateful for having the kind of supportive family that I have. I sent an email out to all of my relatives telling them of my plans for my education, and each and every one of them responded and told me how proud they are of me ! They also said that they will help me out with WHATEVER I will need -- babysitting, money, you name it. I truly am blessed to have such people in my life .

After I get my diploma, I want to look into getting a degree in forensic science -- I absolutely love it! But I'm not sure yet if I want to be a forensic scientist (I was very good with math in school -- trig, etc -- but it HAS been a loooong time ) or a forensic psychologist or profiler.<------That could be really interesting!! ...seeing how I liked trying to figure out what was going on in the mind of the WAS and all...lol!!!

BTW, my mom suggested I just go to the local adult school and take the GED test. She said she knew I could get that very easily, but I told her, "Yes, I'm sure I could do that, but I want MY diploma!"

I feel really good about myself. I feel very happy! The happiest I've ever been in a loooooong time. I have a goal...that is to live MY life for ME...and no one else. I am going to do this.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

.....and this I WILL DO!!

JV.......I had to say--GOOD FOR YOU!!! I know how it feels to want something you've never finished. I too am going back to school...but to college and finish my degree in Art..only about 11 years later than expected!! I can't wait to get in that studio and paint!!! I am actually going to start a painting tomorrow that I have had drawn out from 6 years ago...it has been staring at me from my easel for 6 years..and I am going to finish it! I said to myself...I used to get lost painting..what happened to that person? I am getting her back!!

Good luck to you..I know you'll do great because it's something you want for you!! I'll be thinking of you my first day of school too!! SweetM

Good for you, JV! I also decided to go back to school when I thought I was going to be D'ed, and now that H and I are back together, I have decided to continue with that plan. I am looking forward to it. My career choice is personal fitness trainer. Hoo boy!!!!!!!

I have always been interested in science and the law, so if that is your interest, then you must go for it. I was a military policeman in my younger pre-marriage years. It was a lot of fun - for me, anyway.

Looks like September will be the beginning of an interesting journey for you. Good luck!!!!!

JV. I'm so proud of you too!!! This is awesome!!! I'm impressed with the way you are taking control of your life and doing what is best for you and in turn for your kids!!! Perhaps you could offer lessons. I'd like to be the first to enroll!!!

I was going to say take care but you're already doing that, so, keep up the great work. You are such an inspiration to me and everyone else!!!

Cheers, Scottisheart

Thank you, ladies! I truly appreciate your support and encouragement! It means soooo much to me!

SweetM -- Follow your dream as well and find that wonderful lady you once knew! She will love you for it !

BeingMe -- "Hoo boy!!!" is right! Too bad you're not in California because then you could whip me into shape since I need to lose about 15 pounds .

Ok, there's another goal right there. I'm going to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year. I've lost 20 since the bomb back in late January -- it's been a struggle , but I am going to do it .

Scotti -- "Taking control of my life".....hmmm....I LOVE IT!! It is the GREATEST feeling I've had in sooo long, and I've never been so very proud of myself ever before. This IS awesome!!!

Thanks again, ladies! Your words added more sunshine and joy into my life !

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Has anyone ever seen that commercial where the dad takes the kids back-to-school shopping at Office Depot (or is it Staples??) and the song playing in it goes, "It's the most wonderful time of the year..."??!!!

S9 and S5 are now in school for the year ....and speaking of school, I'm still waiting on my supplies to get here. I can't hardly wait to begin!!

Anyway, I don't know if anyone remembers the post where I expressed concern about H watching all 3 boys when it was his time to have them for visitation. I was afraid he thought he was only going to be watching S9 and S5 during those visits and not the baby......well, I was right .

H called Monday morning to make arrangements with me for picking up the kids, and when I mentioned something that had to do with the baby, he said, "Oh....I'm taking (baby), too?" I told him yes then he said ok.

H had them from Monday night through yesterday afternoon, and all I got were phone calls from H that whole time....griping and complaining about having to watch the baby and not being able to spend real quality time with S9 and S5..... .....Doesn't he understand? This is a package deal. Whether he wanted the little one or not, he is his son, and H needs to bond with him just as much as he does with the other two.

This weekend is H's weekend to have them again, and all I heard yesterday when I went to pick them up was, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through the weekend with him, JV. I want to do XYZ with (S9) and (S5), and I can't do that when I have (baby).".....I think he was trying to get me to say, "Oh, ok, H. You don't have to worry about (baby) then. He can stay with me."....UH UH! NO WAY! H has to do this. This is how it is, but I did suggest that he talk with MIL about watching the baby Friday night for him so he can have that time with just the other two. H called me later last night to tell me he did just that.

Sooo.....what am I going to do this weekend?? Hmmm.....I'm not sure yet, but whatever I do, I will have fun doing it!! Maybe I'll go out and pamper myself with a manicure, pedicure, and some window-shopping ! Fun, fun, fun!!!!

Everyone, have a lovely weekend! Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

You sound really good JV!!! You inspire all of us!!!

I know what you mean about school. S6 & S9 went back August 9th.

Have a great weekend doing whatever YOU want.

Cheers, Scottisheart

Got a little surprise today....

MIL arrived about 3pm to pick up the baby. H arrived shortly after from picking up S9 and S5 from school. We chatted for a bit until I went to put the baby's things into MIL's car for her.

I then went to my truck to get the carseat out, and what do I see?.....Azaleas sitting on my center console with a card addressed to "XXXXXXX" (me). I knew who put them there...obviously. I didn't bring them inside just yet because I didn't feel like hearing MIL say, "Oh, how pretty! Where did they come from?!"......just didn't feel like going there.

Soooo.....after everyone left, I brought them inside. By the looks of them, they have been sitting in the truck for at least a couple of hours . I watered them then I read the card.

It reads:"From Here To There.......I think about you often and wanted to make sure you know."

The handwritten note reads:

XXXXXXX,

I just wanted to try to express what is going through my mind. I don't know if this is the right way to go about it but here I go.

You are constantly on my mind. I f***ed up and it's up to me to fix it and find my way back. It's up to me to relight the flame.

I feel so lost and at times I feel like a lost cause. But I am trying. I don't know what will happen but I hope in the end we are both happy. We deserve it. You especially do.

You are an amazing person. You have a huge heart and you are a great mom. I mean it. Nobody's perfect. Especially me.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I am always thinking of you and wish you a good weekend. Hope you win if you gamble. Hope you have lots of fun. You deserve it.

Love,

XXXXX (H)

........In the past, finding those flowers in my truck like that would've had me floating on cloud nine.....Today, nothing. Not even a little smile......and reading H's words would've had me in tears....but again, nothing.....(sigh)....Don't misunderstand me -- I really do appreciate them. That was very kind, thoughtful, and sweet of H to do.....but if there are certain feelings he's trying to recapture, they're just not there anymore. Not for me.

Well, I'm off now. I'm heading up to Lake Tahoe for the weekend. My parents invited my sisters, their Hs, and me to come up -- they've got a timeshare there. Should be lots of fun!

Have a great one, everybody!! Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."