How are your kids adjusting to all this? Do they still live with you? Over the summer we have alternated having the kids for a week at a time. We've been very flexible when something came up for the kids that required a trade off for a day or two, such as a friend's b-day party for example. So I've had the kids for just a tad over half the time. When school starts in a couple weeks, I will have them during the week and W will get them on weekends. Of course they have soccer games on the weekends in the fall so they will be in town and I'll get to see them on those days too. W works in town 2 or 3 days a week so she sees the kids on those days when I have them. So overall there's only a day or two each week where they only see one of their parents.
S5 is young enough that he really doesn't know any better that his family life is screwed up. Once in a while he'll ask why mom is crying again, why is dad angry at mom, does mom love you? I'm sure he probably asks W is dad loves her. He's aware of the sitch but to him it's normal, which I wonder if that will affect him in his future R's. OM is a farmer and S5 likes to hang out doing outdoors things in the country.
D9 has been very angry at W. She can't understand what dad did that's so terrible to make mom do what she's doing. She doesn't like OM, but every now and then she slips up and has fun around W and OM. D9 saw the EA develope in front of her. She was 8 then. She never said a word to me because she didn't want me to get hurt and was scared that her parents would get a D. Not until a month or so into the S did I actually have a serious talk with D9 about what I know about OM. We've even talked about the very basics of DBing, b/c she wonders why I didn't throw W out and do all of the "normal" stuff.
W was 8 or 9 when her parents got a D. I think this is a big part of why W hasn't filed yet. She knows what D9 is going through. W is very capable of empathy which seems rare in the WAS. But W does like to point out that if her parents had not D, then she never would have met me. This way W can have it both ways and say that the kids will adjust and been fine if we D.
I still cant listen to country
When W dropped the bomb...George Strait's "I Hate Everything" was just getting popular on the radio. Bawled my head off everytime I heard it.
Feeling pretty good today. I'm hesitant to post for fear of jinxing my PMA.
W and I went out last night to shop for b-day gifts (mainly a bicycle) for S5. He'll be S6 tomorrow. The evening went very well. I was in a good positive mood and we joked and kidded around in Wal-mart. (I rode the bike around and almost wiped out the greeting card section, oops.) After shopping we stopped at a Starbucks. First time I've ever been in one so this was a 180 for me. I stole the Starbucks idea from bigAl's thread or maybe it was RNC814's, so thanks. W enjoyed her cafe-mochachino-frappe-whatever, and I listend to her talk and talk. None of our conversations ever came close to R talk. I made sure to steer clear of that.
I made more eye contact with W last night than probably the previous 2 years combined. I smiled, made her laugh, and not once did anything during the evening even come close to making me angry or even feel hurt. I wouldn't let it. I was on a roll and having fun for once. W talked about her family BBQ from the previous weekend. (First time in nearly 20 years I have not attended.) I couldn't help noticing that OM never was brought up. Maybe W figured she'd spend the day free of the screwed up men in her life so neither of us were invited. I had assumed OM would be there. I don't really want to know if he was. I could ask BIL, SIL, or even D9 or S5 but I ain't going there b/c what difference does it make?
W also asked if she and the kids could spend the night at the house since they would be coming back to town the next morning. It would save her 140 miles of driving. She asked in her usual weird stand-offish way. "Is it okay if I sleep on your couch tonight? If not, I can find somewhere else to sleep." I acted "as if" and said "Why not? It would be crazy to drive all that way." So W spent the night on the couch.
In the morning I woke her to allow her and the kids time to get ready for her first appointment. She was all smiles and thanked me for going shopping and also for the coffee. We both agreed that we had some fun and left it at that. Then I left for work after we exchanged many polite good-byes and have a great days.
If I can keep this up for say.....20 thousand more times, maybe we'll have something. In other words, I realize this is one tiny babystep in the marathon.
We will be eating out for S5's b-day tomorrow, and he's having a party on Saturday too, so I'll have more chances soon to show the new positive I-don't-give-a-f**k-about-OM ThatGuy.
Great job!!! I have nothing to offer you except support and praise. I like the way you handled yourself with WAW. That takes a lot of strength and resolve! Keep up the good work!
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Been seeing W off and on over the past few days. Had many phone calls with her too. Nothing earth shattering but so far no backsliding. Just talking to her like a friend, always offering to help or listen when appropriate.
It is hard to come up with something to talk about sometimes. The subject of the kids can only go so far. We don't have much in common anymore that we can talk about. Most everything we did have in common has been eliminated because of the A. Things we used to do she either does with OM now, or she's too "uncomfortable" doing it with me.
Today W was in a bad mood when I saw her at lunch. I acted as if and let her pout and leave b/c I knew it had something to do with D9. D9 was with us and I didn't want to get into whatever was bothering W in front of D9. So after lunch I called and asked W what was bothering her. She vented a little and I validated. This time it was D9 not appreciating something W had done for her. Guilt is W's biggest problem right now. She feels like she's bending over backwards to accomodate everyone b/c she feels guilty every minute of every day. W said that she could change things so that she's not so impositioned but her guilt prevents her from doing that. Not sure what she meant by this. If we had more time I would have dug deeper. I guess now I have something to talk to W about later.
The other day I saw that Larry the Cable Guy will be in town in October. W likes Larry's comedy very much. I asked her if she'd like to go with me. First she gave me a look and she started to say, "You don't like..." but she paused, then I got a non-enthusiastic "I don't care." So I bought the tickets. Not sure how smart that move was.
Maybe this can give us something to talk about. I've also been toying with asking W to go to a movie. She's commented that she hasn't been to a movie for months. I think the last movie she went to that wasn't a kid movie was with me back in October (The Grudge). OM is pretty ignorant when it comes to movies so this is a niche I can work in. She likes thrillers and horror flicks so I might get a sitter and take her to "Red-Eye". This can also give us something to chat about.
Is this a good idea or am I starting to pursue too much? I get the feeling that I should periodically show W some interest in dating. This may be a reaction by me to some of the feelings I get now and then around W. When W and I are together I catch myself thinking that I could easily live my life without W. That desperate abandoned feeling is no longer there. I'd love to reconcile but my life would continue on nicely without W. I guess this is probably detachment and sort of scares me. So to compensate for not desperately wanting W, I come up with ideas for dates to rekindle the flame inside of me. This is a weird place I've found myself in lately.
Is this a good idea or am I starting to pursue too much? I get the feeling that I should periodically show W some interest in dating.
I think if you can continue to stay sufficiently detached and not expect more, and treat her like your best friend, and you're not insisting on or demanding time with her, then as long as she's agreeable to doing things together, go for it.
Quote: It is hard to come up with something to talk about sometimes. The subject of the kids can only go so far. We don't have much in common anymore that we can talk about. Most everything we did have in common has been eliminated because of the A. Things we used to do she either does with OM now, or she's too "uncomfortable" doing it with me.
Interesting point that I have had to deal with lately. Can't talk much about the 'now' (the last few days) since often that time has been occupied by experiences with OM and talks about the future aren't appropriate since she is currently planning a future with someone other than us....So what do we have? The past, the kids, my 'now'. Not great for a lot of conversation.
Talked to C yesterday. She pretty much echoed NY's statement - some no pressure dating would be a good thing to try now or in the near future.
C also gave me some topics that I could bring up when W and I are having a serious "no time limits" talk. She suggested that it would probably be a good thing for me to lay down my cards and let W know that I feel like I could move on if things don't work out. I prefer to reconcile but I now know that I will be able to live a life of my own. Of course I'd tell her in a no pressure way that didn't threaten W, just stating the facts. I'd be letting W know how I'm feeling now. If she wants to return the favor of letting me know how she feels these days, fine, but she doesn't have to. She may not know how she feels either.
I'm not sure if I want/need to do tell W this. My actions are probably already letting her know. Her actions and attitude lead me to believe that she feels I've accepted the S and could go either way. If the moment presents itself where telling W about my feelings just seems right, I'll do it then.
I actually like the place we're in right now. We seem like good friends. There's not much R talk going on. Just every now and then the stress in W builds up and she blows some steam about the sitch (maybe once a week). W is still on eggshells around me when talking about weekend plans and kid logistics, but I'm very up front with her and level headed when we talk about plans. I used to get emotional or moody/angry when talking about plans but now I'm more controlled. W is still testing me (thus the eggshells) and she's not comfortable yet talking about what we do or plan to do when we don't see each other for a day or two. It's kind of fun to watch her reaction to my calm cool collected, I'm okay, you're okay attitude. She likes what she see's but she's still waiting for the old ThatGuy to return. So far he's nowhere to be found.
A little something I noticed yesterday that I wanted to make note of...
Last night was an open house at S6's and D9's school. All four of us went there to meet the kid's new teachers. On the way there I noticed that W had put on her black onyx ring on her ring finger. She hasn't worn her wedding ring for several months and at the start of the S she was wearing this black ring (it was her mother's). I hadn't seen even the black one for a month or two. She also had her 10th anniversary diamond ring on her right hand. I can't remember the last time I saw that ring.
I don't even pretend to know why she was wearing them now. My first thought was, "why bother". Probably doesn't mean a thing. Just wanted to mention it here for the record. It was odd seeing any rings on her fingers, that's why I noticed it right away. In fact as I type this I can't recall noticing them at any other time during the evening. She could have taken them off at any time and I failed to realize it. Who knows? Oh well.
I'm going to a movie tonight with some co-workers. I had asked W if she wanted to go but she declined. Said she had to mow her grass and clean the kiddie pool. She'll be too busy attending kid's soccer games this weekend to do that stuff, so I was okay with her not going to the movie. No pressure.
W did mention that she may take the kids to a free concert at the state fair on Sunday evening. I have a b-day party for my B that evening. W said I was welcome to go to the fair with them if I wanted. I'm going to think that one over. I could go to my B's for a couple hours then slip out and meet W and the kids at the fair. Right now for some reason I'm a little torn on what to do. It would be fun to see the band playing at the concert, but I feel like I'm at her beck and call if I go. My sister is in town from Denver and will be at the party, but I will see her at a different family party the night before. I'd like to let W have to manage the kids by herself at the fair and maybe miss my help, but I don't want to miss having fun with them all too.
Any suggestions? I'll probably leave the party early and go to the fair because of the kids, and I don't want to give any ammo to W's past claims that I favor my family (mostly my mother) over her.
Quote: Any suggestions? I'll probably leave the party early and go to the fair because of the kids, and I don't want to give any ammo to W's past claims that I favor my family (mostly my mother) over her.
Well, if you follow the advice that people have been giving me on my thread, you would stay at the party and let your wife have her evening with the kids. Going through all of the gymnastics of attending a party with out-of-town guests and then cutting out early to be with your WAW seems a bit like pursuing behavior.
On the other hand, if your wife sees you as favoring your family, this could be viewed as a 180....You must ultimately make the decision, but in an attempt not to be too wishy-washy, I would send my regrets to W and kids and enjoy your party.
SAhDaddy: Thanks for the advice. I thought it over for a while and the party ended up making my choice for me - the party got over pretty early so I could go to the fair with W and the kids. We had a nice time and laughed at the kids as they rode the carnival rides.
Not much new to post about. Just more of the same. W is very friendly with me. School just started this week and W is determined to be involved and active in the kids lives. So I don't know if W's friendliness is just her sucking up to me so that she can be involved, or if she really feels that "chummy" with me. I'd like to think she knows that I'll let her do anything anytime with kids. I'd never use the kids to get back at her or to display my anger. So the need to suck up is just not there.
Inside I'm leaning toward the idea that W really does feel like we are good friends. I'm doing so very cautiously I might add. I gave W a well accepted hug the day when we took S6 to his first day of kindergarten. I mentioned in a previous posting that W is now wearing a black onyx ring on her ring finger. It's still there. W is staying overnight about once a week when she has to be in town for more than one day. I also noticed that she has left a razor and monthly female items in the bathroom. All tiny signs and baby steps, I hope.
I'm still concentrating on D9's and S6's soccer teams to keep my head from dwelling on the R (and OM ). If I didn't know better, you'd think OM had moved to Siberia or something. No sign of him from W or the kids. Very nice and I intend to keep it that way inside my head. I'm sure he's still butting in now and then though.
Our only issue that pops up from time to time is W wondering/worrying about what my family/friends think of the sitch. She's very conscious of whether she looks like a bad mom or not. This could explain the super-involvement in the kids lately. When she wants to talk about it, I gladly listen and try to validate. I just think it is something that will work itself out over time. I just have to show I understand her feelings on the issue.
). If I didn't know better, you'd think OM had moved to Siberia or something. No sign of him from W or the kids. Very nice and I intend to keep it that way inside my head. I'm sure he's still butting in now and then though.