I'm moving from the Newcomers forum so I'm new to the Infidelity forum.
ThatGuy: 37 years old W: 35 years old R: 20 years M: 14 years S: 5 months Kids: S6, D9 Sitch: typical WAW, OM - EA/PA 2 years. I stayed in house. W lives in small town 70 miles away, only 5 minutes from OM. Trade kids every other week, kids attend school in my town. The Bomb: 7/11/04 DBing: since 4/1/05 (4 1/2 months) Previous Threads: here and here (on Newcomers)
My story is very typical WAW story. Didn't know a thing was wrong until the bomb. W was very honest and told me everything about the A. She was brutally honest and very upfront. I was a typical total wreck and did everything wrong. A few days after the bomb W took everyone's (family, friends, etc.) advice and tried to work on the M. She could never totally leave OM. Both of us agreed that a S was needed to keep our sanity after 9 months of W staying in the house but continuing the A. The S was going to be a 3 month test so W rented an apartment. I discovered DBing about 3 weeks into the S. It has kept me from filing for D. Thanks goodness for DB! At the end of the 3 months W wouldn't move back home and she rented a townhome near OM about 70 miles from the city I live in. That's where the sitch is now.
I've handled the S poorly. DBing has helped me handle it better than if I was doing it alone, but I still need much improvement. After recently reading MF's old thread "1 Year of DBing", I now see that the Infidelity forum is where I belong. This is where I can get the best help with dealing (or not dealing) with OM.
Right now I'm committing myself to acting like OM does not exist. I'm going to be W's new best friend. I'm working on really listening to her and validating her. MF's suggestion of pretending you are one of her GF's is a good tip. It's going to require me to get rid of a lot of anger and resentment. From now on only W's feelings are important. I can't dump my hurt feelings on her anymore.
I just know if I had grasped this concept many months ago, things would be much better right now (not completely fixed but better). No more wasted time. I now see how DBing can cause the A fall apart instead of the A causing our M to fall apart.
Any pointers on how to get rid of my anger and resentment? Why can't I just talk to/treat W like I do my friends and coworkers, and just let it go? Maybe I'm trying too hard.
Welcome to the Infidelity boards. I don't know how to tell you quell your anger and resentment. I have mine, but it is somehow in check and I never show it to my W any more. I'm more of a laid back type anyway.
I too have read and re-read MF's stitch (1 Year of DBing) and I am using it as a template for my DBing efforts. I believe MF had the right idea, the only thing you have to hope for is that your W sees the chink in OM's armor before it's too late to turn back.
My OM seems like an upstanding guy (other than he is a homewrecking adulterer) with a good job and is well liked at work. I hope the flaws that W will eventually uncover come fast and are large enough to send my W packing -- before its too late. Hoping the same for you.
Any pointers on how to get rid of my anger and resentment?
It goes a long way to stop dwelling on the stuff that makes you angry and resentful and practice thought control. Feelings follow thoughts. Make a deal with yourself that you're going to stop commiserating over things that were out of your control that have hurt you. As soon as the thought comes, get rid of it. It will get easier and easier to do. Remember that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can stop them from building a nest.
Be your own best friend and save yourself from having a lousy life filled with resentment just because of what someone else immaturely decided to do with theirs. Recognize that these past events say a lot more about her than they ever could about you. Always take the higher road.
Fill up as much of your time as possible with other stuff to help keep your focus on positives in your life and other things at hand. And live in the moment, with an eye toward the future, instead of the reliving the past, and use the emotion to resolve to do what it takes for you to do to climb out of this thing alive, stronger and better. And you will.
Thanks for stopping by. Sorry that you're in the same OM boat as me (as well as a bazillion others here). Sounds like you OM's bad side isn't as obvious as most. Don't worry, it will come out when the proper pressure is applied by DBing.
I considered my W's OM a friend before he crossed the line. So I can see why W has picked him. He's got all kinds of flaws but unfortunately he's a good validater and their interests are exactly the same. I sucked at listening and validating and he excelled at it. Over the last year W has seen OM's flaws and that's why I think if I DBed in the right way over the past few months that we'd be much closer to actually working on the M. Would'a could'a should'a.
Wow, I consider it an honor to have NYsurvivor stopping by. Really.
I guess I've naturally and sloooooowly been doing what you are suggesting. As time goes by it's easier to switch from thinking "I wonder if W is at OM's place tonight" to "I think I'll call "friend X" and "friend Y" to see if they want to go golfing this weekend". I've never been a planner. I'm slowly starting to develope the habit of making plans.
I've slopped into being the coach for D9's YMCA soccer team. I don't know diddly about soccer so it's forced me to concentrate on learning and planning for that. It's nerve-racking sometimes because I don't want let those girls down or their parents. It's not super competitive and the world won't end if we don't win, but I don't want to look like a total unorganized fool out there either. I want the girls to learn and have fun. It's nice to dwell on something different other than my crappy M. So you are right - filling my life with other positive constructive stuff keeps my mind occupied and away from thinking up new ways to be angry.
I've also started seeing a MC on my own. I've only had two sessions and so far it feels nice to vent to someone face to face. We will be working on my anger and frustration in the near future.
NY, I know what you mean about the radio. Before the bomb I only listend to talk radio. What use were all those silly love songs (sorry Paul McCartney) since my M was just fine. So I rarely listened to current music. After the bomb I dove into country and pop. Every song I heard spoke directly to me about my sitch. Not very productive for the DBer. Now I enjoy just riding around with no music on at all. Problem is that I catch myself talking to myself more often now.
My H was really into music, so almost every song I hear reminds me of him... He serenaded me with almost every love song that you can imagine. At first I simply had to turn off the radio - too painful for months. Now I just smile and think that even if I'm alone for the rest of my life... at least I've had a man sing me every love song.
ah the music thing - I still cant listen to country, I fly right by those channels lol!
hello TG - NY does have wonderful advice and you'd be wise to listen filling up your time does take your mind off things, just make sure you leave enough time for yourself .
How are your kids adjusting to all this? Do they still live with you?
So I rarely listened to current music. After the bomb I dove into country and pop. Every song I heard spoke directly to me about my sitch. Not very productive for the DBer. Now I enjoy just riding around with no music on at all. Problem is that I catch myself talking to myself more often now. 
filling up your time does take your mind off things, just make sure you leave enough time for yourself