Just out of curiosity...when she does this (plops down on the couch and grabs the laptop) and you feel last on her priority list....do you ever ask her to come talk to you first and do that later? I'm sure you have...just asking an obvious question. I know many of us feel we shouldn't have to request our S's attention...the fact is that sometimes we do have to call them on their behavior to bring it to their attention that they're doing it again.
GEL, yes I have. It often has ended up in an argument. I tell her I need some TLC, and she goes in the defense as in "I need some time for myself" or "Can't I surf the web?" and she feels like I'm trying to 'claim her', etc. I'm sure you can relate to the general scenario. It's one of those (many) circular issues we get stuck in.
It's not that I need her 24-7, far from that . I've explained to her how it's not like a time clock, or how I need her tlc all the time and she can't do anything else, but that's how she obviously feels about it. I feel left out, she feels smothered. I feel she's being distant, avoidant, evasive, she feels I'm needy and limiting her 'own needs'.
The reason it upsets me is not so much the time itself. It's something that I guess is hard to explain to a LD person, but it's how about I can see her desire to for example surf the web (like an urge she just can't resist), and she has like no desire to be with me or give me some tlc. To me it's a lot about "I desire a brownie" (she has a weakness for munch food), "I desire to surf the web" "I desire a bloody mary" "I desire to snuggle the cat" (the cat fares WAY better than me) "I don't desire you, but I do love you"... It's why we start resenting the behavior I think, as we get jealous, envious and angry about all those things that seem to instill a desire or need, and we're simply not on that list.
By now I've given up on telling her I am dying for some tlc when we have some private time at the end of the day. Part of it is like 'she knows by now, why do I always have to say it?' and part of it is that it's likely to become a discussion or she'll go in the defense which will only make me feel worse about it. I'd just like to be on the top of the priority list now and then. It only takes maybe what? 5 minutes, 10 minutes?
She does understand it, it's simply that for some reason, she either 'forgets' about it, or just has it moved down her priority list eventhough she realizes it should be up there and how it is important to me. Which of course makes me question (silently) if she's really trying, another frustration to be put in the pile.
Quote: GEL, yes I have. It often has ended up in an argument. I tell her I need some TLC, and she goes in the defense as in "I need some time for myself" or "Can't I surf the web?" and she feels like I'm trying to 'claim her', etc. I'm sure you can relate to the general scenario. It's one of those (many) circular issues we get stuck in.
"Sure, honey! How about we do some snuggling sometime after dinner? You want to cuddle right after we get the dishes done or before we head to bed?"
or
"Honey, I don't want to interrupt your downtime right now, but I would love to cuddle up with you on the couch while we watch the news later tonight." (or insert whatever viewing/time frame that might fit in here).
MrsNOP, I know, 'always try to be positive'. I manage most times. I know 'most times' is not good enough, and then there's always this little devil in your head telling you how 'hard you try' and how 'little it seems she tries'. It's the destructive thought process, but not always easy to get yourself out of that.
The mood swings aren't an issue at all. She got on Depakote over 2 years ago (before I met her) as a result of personal problems in the bussiness she ran with a friend (which all ended in big tears) and has been on it ever since. I don't think her doc or she have ever really considered tapering off. Anyway, know 'Leaving Las Vegas' where Cage tells Shue "Whatever you do, you can never, ever ask me not stop drinking". It's very much a nog go area. however, on the up side, she will take me along on her next check up to the phychiatrist which I sure see as a possitive sign.
I suspect the Depakote (or some built-up effect?) may play a role as well. Because she has other side effects as well (trembling hands, tired, etc). but it's hard to see cuase and effect.
I had an XBF who was on Depakote, for him it had the rare effect of exaggeratting his problems (sometimes does happen on that drug)....Depakote itself isn't supposed to have any sexual side effects, however some of the other psychotropic drugs that are often prescibed along with it do. Is she taking anything else? My XBF was on a plethora of drugs due to his condition.
Let me see, synthoid for thyroid deficiency and a low dose (2.5mg) of Abilify to counter some of the tiredness of the Depakote.
In my opinion (which I keep for myself), I would find it more logical to taper of the Depakote dose very gently. Comparing her personal situation then (when she started on Dep) and now, I would say she shouldn't need to be on the same dose now. Her mood swings were initiated by her troubles of the bussiness afair all going very dark, she wasn't on any psych meds ever before (except the synthroid, but I don't see that as a psych drug perse).
But as said, it's a bee-nes I don't want to mingle in, and in all fairness, it's her personal body and health. That is her territory, so i don't want to intrude on that, even though I do have an opinion.
For the last 2 days, I have been trying to fulfill all her needs, not being 'needy', pushy or asking for intimacy. Tuesday, cooked her diner. Got a kiss and next thing she does is grab the laptop and start surfing the web. Funny thing is, I get my own laptop, start surfing the web, and after an hour or so, when she is done, she says "I'm sooo tired, I'll go to bed" and then she looks at me with that face which I have learned to mean "I know you're now mad at me, but what can I do about it?". I ignore the face, give her my deepest and warmest smile, and say "I'll join you". I go to bed with her, give her some (as innocent as possible) kisses and hugs, and let her sleep.
Wednesday morning, I do the cofee, gently wake her up with a steaming cup and pick my book so she can do her routine (wake up, drink cofee, pet the cat, shower without asking me to join, etc). I'm as gentle as can be, and kiss her goodbye all smiling and chipper.
Call her in the afternoon, tell her if she'd like me to give her a call when I'm out of the gym so we could meet up for a beer. Of course she loves the idea. We have a nice evening, drinks, later I take her to a fish and chips - which I know she loves, she eats too much / unhealthy, another point she hates herself for, so whenever I take her to 'junk food' places, she loves it because I 'take her' so she can 'blame me' for her eating habbits, another catch 22 as doing the opposite makes her mad as hell, for example, when I suggest to make a tuna salad for diner, she just looks at me with a painful face, the best thing I can do is just pretend i don't see it and say something like "... Or perhaps fried chicken?" Anyway, take her to the fish and chips, say "Oh, that sounds good!" when she choses the most fatt and unhealthy plate available, say "Sure, why not share an appetizer?", etc, etc. A few drinks, and she states how she feels 'all happy' and how 'she loves me so much', etc.
We come home, she crashes into bed, says she has a slight headache and is 'really tired'. I remain all chipper and upbeat, comfort her a bit, stroke her hair (which often helps the headache, perceived or not, go away), and let her fall asleep and me being all cuddly her way and stuff.
Wake up this morning at 6, her alarm goes of at 7, so I patiently wait for the alarm to go off. I then spoon her and just want to lie close and make contact, she grumpily says "I don't want to wake up yet, 10 more minutes" and moves away. 10 minutes later, after silencing the repeat, it's again "10 morte minutes" until it's so late that she needs to jump out of bed (remarkably awake and energetic all of a sudden) to take a shower.
Now I just got an email where she says "I'm sorry. But we're gonna have fun this weekend".
What do I make of all this? Clearly, she is concious of her own behavior as she apologizes for it, but at the moment itself, it is obviously too much effort to try to need some of my needs....? What the hell should I respond to that email? I suspect her idea of having fun evolves mostly about making trips, doing fun stuff, but most likely none of that includes some frolicking in bed...
How to put what in an email expressing my needs. Because if we don't do 'something fun', she'll most likely interpret it as me not wanting to 'do anything' so trying to set up a scenario for being home and opportunity for ML. If we do fun things (which I honestly love to do as well, having an event filled weekend), she'll be too tired for any intimacy when we get home. I feel like I'm damned and doomed regardless of what I do or try....
And the depressing part is that regardless what I do, if I totally remove my needs from the picture, give her exactly what she needs, in her way, on her terms without any critical note, just pleasant smiles and trying to make her as happy as can be, nothing changes, nothing happens, still same old same old on the "my needs remain unfulfilled". How can I keep myself motivated if al my efforts seem to result in naught? Patience some of you may say, but isn't patience supposed to work on the principle that it will be rewarded? My outlooks for 'improvements' are slim, and that is an understatement.
Quote: but isn't patience supposed to work on the principle that it will be rewarded?
Only if you want to set yourself up for disappointment.
Just tell her your needs/wants. Needs: to feel loved, to feel a connections. Wants: to ML is the best way for you to meet my needs. If she meets your needs, great. If not, then you work on yourself, get a life, maybe go to MC.
It's all a process, my friend.
By the way, are you from the UK? The reason I ask is because you mention going TO a fish and chips, rather than going FOR fish and chips. And of course the whole fish and chips thing. One of my favorite posters on this board who ended up with a pretty successful story was SuperDave. He hailed from England.
Sorry for your struggle . You'll find similar sitches and wisdom here.
I used to be a LDW and the things your W is doing sound pretty familiar to me. Overeating fatty/filling foods, wanting to cat nap until time to get up, doing activities that make having sex impossible are all tactics in the LD arsenal. There are many reasons for spouses to not have/lose their desire for sex. Why do you think your W is currently LD?
Your efforts to "get her in the mood" are unlikely to pay off unless you go into it with the attitude that the behaviors you refer to in your post make you a better person and her response to them doesn't matter to you.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
