Hello, I am brand new to the board. Life is really sucking for me at this time. I am the LDW, my husband and I have been married to 3 1/2 years but been together for 11 1/2 years. He has been telling me for years that I am not affectionate, loving or giving of myself. I kept saying I would change but I didn't know how. I had a hysterectomy at 27 and have been of Zoloft for about 5 years. Well....he has finally had enough. He told me he couldn't live like this anymore. I can't believe it has come to this.....we aren't separated YET but I don't think it's going to be long before we are. I went to my primary DR on Wednesday and she sent me to the hospital for a psych eval. They put me on Wellbutrin and I pray it works. I am starting therapy next week, I have read 2 books in the past 2 days. I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wants me to give him a kiss, hold his hand or give him a hug for no reason at all. I have been for psych eval and have read 2 books and feel I may have a better understanding of everything but now he will not let me touch, kiss or hug him.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. It sounds like your H doesn't trust you to actually make the kind of changes he is asking. Were there times that you told him you would do more hugging, kissing etc... then didn't? Have you had a heart to heart with him about your willingness to change? You mentioned a hysterectomy. Are your ovaries intact? Are you on hormone replacement therapy.
I'm sorry to hear about your problems - your recognition of the seriousness of them is a big part of helping resolve them. I hope that you can find some of the help you need with the books, and through this board.
First question - have you done any marriage counseling? If not, try to get some right away. You mentioned a psych eval, but unless your R problems are driven by some traumatic event in your past, or you actually have a mental illness (dementia, etc.), a psych eval is unlikely to help you correct the problem.
About his unwillingness to let you touch him - as a HDH, I can tell you that this is almost certainly a defensive mechanism he is using to deal with the hurt of long-term rejection from you. He is afraid to allow you to touch him, because it could lead him to believe that you have recovered your affection for him - or maybe you haven't. The possibility of his being rejected again is more painful than preventing any contact in the first place, so he doesn't want you to touch him. Unless there is communication first, so that he understands where you are coming from, he won't open himself up to the possibility of being further hurt. That's one of the reasons why counseling is so important.
If the rest of your R is still good, it may not be to late to salvage it, but you need to act quickly. His telling you that he cannot take it any longer is the last tool he has to make you see and understand his pain & desperation.
I am seeking counseling, he doesn't think he has a problem so I doubt he will go. I sure wish he would, I know that it's not all his fault but I wish he would go just to even listen to mine.
Karen, I'm sorry, I missed your posting. Yes....I had told him many times that I'd change. I did for a while but went right back to the old habits and I do understand that's why he doesn't trust me to change.
I have had my meds changed, read "The Sex Starved Marriage" and "Seduce Me" and have learned quite a bit from them. I feel like I had a AH HA!!! moment but he doesn't believe that.
Have you tried framing your desire to him in that way - not that you want him at the counseling to resolve "his" problems, but so he can better understand where you are coming from? Maybe he'd be more receptive to the idea if he thought he had a very narrow role in the process. I've been struggling to get my wife to agree to counseling, without any success so far.
Hi Shaly, just go to the counselor on your own. Never mind if he goes at first. If he sees you feeling better, he may get curious and want to come. I think you should frame the therapy as you doing this for YOU, not for him or for "us." Take the responsibility for you changing on YOU, and let him worry about whether or not he is going to change.
I try not to look at therapy as a "medical model, i.e., "I'm sick and I need to be cured." I look at it as an educational model: "I need to learn how to do this or do this better." Sort of like coaching... even very good tennis players and golfers take lessons with the pro. Dancers take classes for their whole lives. So you might try thinking of counseling that way.
Just go. And when you go, don't hold back. If you don't like that C, get another one. It may take several tries. People go to the hairdresser, and if they get a bad haircut or color job, they never go back. But if they don't like the counselor, they figure it's their fault and will go forever with no results. Get your money's worth.
So....what am I supposed to do in the meantime with the H. He leaves before I get up in the morning and comes home after I go to bed. He doesn't say Hello or Goodbye, I don't know how long I can go on like this.
