Good to hear from you. Hope all continues to be well. Acceptance probably isn't a bad thing. I am trying to get there as long as we also get to the "reasonably meet my needs" part.
HP, I also see similarities between our H's. And your having this pelvic pain has made you more like me ( shutting down and becoming LD with our spouses). The detachment you're feeling will not be forever---it's just part of the cycle, the self-protective part. Remember to do nice things for yourself, esp having 3 young ones. I am going to catch up on your thread and join you there when I have a bit more time.
Update... This week I find myself having nothing to complain about (imagine that)! I feel...happy. H has recovered from the vasectomy and has been warm and open and funny. The other night he spontaneously did oral on me, something he has been queasy about in the past and that added to my sense of rejection. He was giving me loving kisses all over and just seems to be embracing me. I have no idea why this is happening and I am sure we will be back to struggling again soon, but it's been a nice and welcome change.
IHJ- I'm curious to know if you were able to completely "let go" and enjoy the oral considering you stated H has been "queasy" about it in the past. I know for myself, if H atempts for perform something I know he is not comfortable with, I have a much harder time relaxing and enjoying as well. He likes oral, lucky for me, so that is not a problem, but I like when he is more dominating in bed and that's not easy for him. Creates a little tension which I am trying to figure out how to deal with. I'm sure he senses it from me as well. Any suggestions?
LFL... My feeling regarding your sitch is along the lines of my last post to you, that you are expecting too much from him as a " real" person. I know the feeling that you want---it's the same feeling that I would get from reading my erotic novels. You have had that feeling with the OM and it must be a very hard thing to give up. I do feel you should assert what you want, but keep in mind that he basically is who he is and the important thing is to establish a healthy connection. Now that I am writing this, I believe that my taking a step back from my incessant " want list" gave my H more room to feel comfortable enough in his own skin to move forward.
Hot Damn, IHJ, you and underdog, 'get it'. Now if HP can. Underdog has a lot for her if she can communicate it.
I was thinking about opposites attracting and how it is a good thing, they are the other half, what we are missing and need to work on to improve ourselves to become a complete person. When they want something from us, it is often good for our development. Our resistance is based in our insecurity.
Unfortunately just about the time we get it, or start, its because they are walking/ready to walk from frustration, and its too late, or because they found someone else with that 1 thing they ran out of patience waiting for. Sheesh, if I keep this up Ill talk myself into working on things with x.
Glad to see things are going well for you. How long did it take H to recover?
Hey IHJ. I haven’t been around much lately, but just wanted to drop in and say that I’m glad to see things are going well with you. I think we are in very similar places. I needed to get off this board and focus on being real, and I’m glad to report that we are doing really well. Some ups and downs do happen, but a lot of the lightbulbs that went off in my head have stayed on, fortunately!
One thing I’ve realized (that I think you have as well) is that there isn’t really a holy grail here. I had originally envisioned some kind of pathway to the perfect marriage, and mistakenly assumed that the struggles to get there need to only happen once. The reality is that it takes a constant effort to love. Love is a choice and not a feeling and all that jazz…
Quote: Now that I am writing this, I believe that my taking a step back from my incessant " want list" gave my H more room to feel comfortable enough in his own skin to move forward.
So true. I’ve discovered this as well. Now that the sex issue is not that loaded anymore, he feels comfortable being himself. We both do, really. Sex has certainly become a lot of fun.
BF... Have you read the book Passionate Marriage? It is such a refreshing read and offers a non-condemning explanation of why marriage inevitably becomes stifling and reaches a stalemate. It also discusses the point you make about the importance, at an individual level, of continuing bringing your own uniqueness to the marriage. My own personal view ( and I think Lil said something about this) is that we find someone who can both trigger and yet heal a core issue within ourselves, an issue that stems from our most damaging parent. We get married---a lot of chaos ensues---and if there's enough love, work, luck, whatever, we get back on track. I have been working on myself for the past few yrs...I'd say H came on board in the last yr. As far as your sitch goes, I say it's not over til it's over. And then it may not be over ( some clues to my personality).
Julie... I am so happy for you! I miss your insightful posts. One piece of the puzzle that has taken me a long time to lock in place is to accept my H as he is...he is just not a sexual beast. I was trying too hard to change him---something about his telling me that he hardly masturbates somehow clicked for me. His lack of emphasis on sex is partly due to his personality and partly because he never really had to work at it to perform. He is beginning to see me as less sex-obsessed and more wanting to just connect in new, fun ways which hopefully push him out of his insecure, prudish comfort zone.
