Yes, it does take practice "talking" on these BBs. I am pretty shy so I understand.
It's nice to have you here and I look forward to hearing about the H's perspective in piecing/R/M, etc.
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
You know honey, I would like to hear the answer to this question. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it here, that's fine, but I thought it may benefit some people currently going through similar sitchs.
Quote:
Dr. G. After an affair, I do not ask the question you would expect. The spouse always wants to know about “him or her”. “What did you see in her that you didn’t see in me?” Or, “what did you like about him better?” I always ask about “you”: “What did you like about yourself in that other relationship?"
How were you different? And, of the way that you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?
Dr. G. There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person’s eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a nice rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a make-up mirror; it magnifies all your wrinkles and pores, every little flaw. When someone loves you despite the fact that they can see all your flaws, that is a reality-based love.
In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn’t sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive.
This really isn't pertinent to our sitch right now, but it's something I find interesting.
I will be watching your thread with much interest. My situation is similar. My H has returned to the man he was before he became a MLC'er and our relationship is good with the same exception as yours. He knows my LL is PT and he cannot meet my needs. I applaud your courage to come to the boards Rottzuki and will pay close attention to any discoveries you make that will help you to understand why you cannot give your wife what she needs from you.
I'm not sure how I would answer the question. I think the first thing that comes to mind is that I had a part of my life that was my own. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sharing myself and my time with my W immensely! But I enjoyed having a "little island" I could "escape" to. This is probably coming out all wrong because sometimes I'm not very articulate when it comes to explaining how I feel but that is the jist. Now, what I don't want is my W telling me "go do this" or "go do that by yourself because you don't want me around" because that's not it at all. It's hard to explain it. It was maybe more of a feeling of independence. This will sound strange to her because she has no leash on me whatsoever. But the feeling is there none the less.
A certain amount of autonomy is healthy for a R. That is something we all need to keep ourselves healthy so we are able to invest our best in our S. Don't feel guilty about that. IMHO, striking the perfect balance is the key. Good luck to you both. I had always hoped I could be in your shoes someday (repairing the M).
Quote: But I enjoyed having a "little island" I could "escape" to. Now, what I don't want is my W telling me "go do this" or "go do that by yourself because you don't want me around" because that's not it at all. It's hard to explain it. It was maybe more of a feeling of independence. This will sound strange to her because she has no leash on me whatsoever. But the feeling is there none the less.
I understand what you are saying, although maybe not entirely. And I did not take it as you saying you don't want to be alone. Is it that you felt more freedom from having someone to "answer to?"
It is frustrating to me that you seem to want the freedom and independence, but when I try to get you to be more independent, you freak out... And it's tough when you and I have every Monday as date night and every Thursday is 99 night (we goes out with his karate friends - but it is meant to help his friends as much as it is for us to get together with friends.) and every Wednesday is MJ night (father-son night). You never have time for yourself to just do whatever. How about if you had a night a month (or more if you need to) that is just yours? Would that satisfy your need? Or is there more to it than that? Is it more of feeling independent than about being alone? Or maybe we can say that every day from 6-7 or whatever, maybe an hour after you get home, it is your time and we are not to bother you. How would that be? It may be weird at first, but you may grow to look forward to that time alone.
Rottman, I can relate to what you are saying. Though my H doesn't monopolize my time, there is definitely some allure to having no one to answer to. I read a great quote about that very thing on this website a couple of weeks ago, but can't remember where. Something like, There is a certain amount of loss of independence that is built into marriage. It's not necessarily anything that the other person is doing or not doing, it's just part of being married.
This helped me because I at times feel a feeling of being trapped.
Let me ask you this: Do you feel that you need novelty in your life? Was part of the allure of the EA that it was new...and that added to the escape sensation?
Ok, maybe this will help explain the "feeling" I was talking about. You are trying to "assign" time for me. A schedule. YOU are. YOU are in control subtly. This is not independence. The feeling of independence I got was more from a complete separation from my life. The best way I can describe it would be like a "Nutty Professor" thing. The EA was the drug. I understand what you're trying to do and I love you for it. I will come up with a schedule for "me" time. But I don't want you to think it's me "without you" time, but "me" time. There's a big difference. See?
Good point, Honey. I also sometimes feel trapped. I walked into a M where my H has three kids from a previous M. I did it because I loved him that much, and I have grown to love his kids, also. I wouldn't change a thing. But sometimes I wish I had more freedom to do the things I missed out on when I went straight from being a "kid" to being a mother of three overnight. And sometimes I feel that my H stresses about my frustration because he feels that his kids are the source of my stress/lack of freedom. But that is just not the case. I just needed "me time" myself. Sometimes it just is not fun to feel like a dowdy housewife when before you were a wild and crazy (literally) independent demon.
OK lovers. Again, I understand. I will not assign you time - but I would like it if you would find time for yourself. I know we talked about this before and because of the feeling you have of whatever obligations you feel at the time, you never actually stick to it.
I have been finding "me" time, it's something that DB drilled into me. Make yourself happy first because if you are not happy, you will not be a happy person to be with. So, I have been doing the gym thing. Every day I find some time to devote to making myself happy. Sometimes I just stop for a half hour on the way home from work to hit the bookstore. That makes me happy also... I would like more bubble baths. But maybe I can find time for that also...
Now, it's your job to find "you" time. No excuses, just do it. Get up and work out. Go out after work and go for a bike ride without me. Go polish your car/bike. Go putter around the basement. Do your karate again. I don't care, but you HAVE to do something! I can't be happy if you are not. And you want me to be happy, riiiighhht??? Ha ha ha. LOVE you baby.
Just find time and I will stop scheduling your entire life for you. I admit I have that habit.
Rottzuki - Welcome to our cyber world, and thank you for participating in this dialogue, it will benefit not just you and Rottzilla, but many others as your perspective is one we have until now only speculated on.
The explanation of 'me' time strikes home. For years, I thought that helping NG stay organised was a loving thing to do, not realising that I was coming across as controlling. For me, the most difficult, but eventually, the most liberating thing, has been to not second guess what NG wants me to do for him, or on his behalf. If he wants something, he will ask for it. It got so good that NG says towards the end of his affair, it felt like OW was the controller and I was the 'forbidden' naughty treat; being detached helped us tremendously.
Does this mean though that for some of us, at a certain point in our lives, we need the excitement of 'rebelling' before our drive and urges kick in?
Slowly