Zilla, you mentioned the gut feeling and you knew something was up. I rely on that also, and it doesn't let me down. (In fact, one time I got home and got physically ill(puking) but I couldn't figure out why-it was a few days later that I found out OW had been there that day.) If you knew something was up, why did you pick this same time to come to the board to post on your progress as joint posting?
You are both fortunate that you are able to discuss what is going on and will be able to move thru this and beyond. I'm not to that point yet, not sure if we'll ever get there where my H will trust me again. Isn't that ironic? HE has the affair, and says he can't trust me - I talked to other people about it.
I'm still not sure I understand how an EA can progress with a language barrier/communication problem. We all love the high we get from compliments and flattery, but how can you tell if you don't know the language? written?
What are the things that keep you going day to day to have the energy to stay together?
Thanks for still being here.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, all I could do was ask H what was wrong. He was unwilling or unable to tell me the truth. In the absence of all the facts, all I could do was go on living my life and waiting for the final outcome. Coming on this BB together was an attempt to make our M stronger and work through our problems with some of the wonderful insight we knew we would get here.
Not sure about the EA question, I will leave that for Zuki to answer. She did speak some English, enough to make herself known. The few times I spoke to her, I knew for sure what she was conveying... that she was going to take my H, marry him and move into my life and my home. Ha ha ha... anyway. In my estimation, she is not that educated. She was hospitalized for a gall bladder infection and told H it was her broken heart that made her sick, and she almost died because of him leaving her. So, you can tell she can get some things across. Although she sounds slightly crazy to me.
Things we do to keep going? Right now, not much, I guess. We are pretty much just wallowing in my pain, both of us. I have not gotten to the point yet where I am thinking clearly again. Mostly I am just tired and want to sleep and sleep and sleep. We are having friends over Saturday and right now, I just want to order some food for them and then make an excuse to leave for the rest of the party. I really don't feel like being out in public right now.
Wow, girl, I just dont know if I could handle going through all that pain again!!! I will pray for you...it seems that you guys have some good strong communication, so hopefully that will help you in the end!!
Hi! I just wanted to jump in and say that I still think that the two of you are doing a good job in spite of this setback and that you are being so generous during this difficult time by sharing your thoughts with the rest of us on this BB. Thank you both!!
I wanted to let Rotzilla know that you ahve no reason to be embarresed, although I also feel that way about my sitch. Just as I am up front with others about my alcoholism and eating disorders, I am also up front with my sitch. I don't go into all the details with most people but I think that culturally we have progressed to a point where we no longer need to hid these things from others.
I wanted to say to Rotzuki that although you screwed up, no one sits in judgement of you. It sounds like both you and your W have an excellent chance of getting through this. As painful as your actions have been, put your future actions to good use. Use them to begin to understand your own issues and understand why you are where you are. Be fearless but honest!
Lastly, I wanted to comment on the gut instinct regarding OP. My gut was pretty accurate. In fact at one point, it turned into a voice telling me that I would find naked pics of H's OW on his computer and sure enough there were pics! I struggle with gut feelings and paranoia. Many times I can't tell the difference. My grandmother became a nut job because of my grandfather's philandering. I'm afraid of becoming like her, suspicious of every little thing.
I think a good discussion for most of us on this bb would be how to balance gut instinct with mental and emotional balance.
I'm jumping in the middle of this, and don't know your whole history, so I apologize if I'm in error. I'm posting in Newcomers, and have been thinking about moving to Piecing but I don't know if that's too optimistic for me already. Somedays I feel like I'm piecing, somedays I feel like I'm in pieces.
I really do know how you feel, wanting to stay out of public and curl up under the covers. But in most of those times that I forced myself to go out in public or friends stopped by and 'act as if' I did feel better once I got thru the first few minutes.
OW are all slightly crazy, aren't they? Why can't they just zone in some guy that's not already spoken for, do their own labor to find a good man? Do they think a ring is a target to shoot for instead of shield to stay away from them?
You have an advantage if you can see it that way right now. You have Zuki right there with you and even though you may not want to right now, turn to him for support, lean on him to help you thru this. Yes, that would be very hard to turn to the man who has hurt you, but I would sure be running into my H's arms if he held them open for me.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW - move over here with us! It was when I moved from Newcomers to Piecing that I truly felt changes in my M for the good. It was scary, I remember thinking "Do I really belong here." The answer is - yes, you do. It's not called "My marriage is perfect so I'm moving over here" It's called "Piecing" That means it is still in pieces, but like a quilt, you are picking them up and placing them carefully so your marriage is strong as well as looks good.
I am so sorry the bomb drop was the LBS worst nightmare.
((((((Rottzilla)))))
I can so relate to what you wrote above about your Hs need for ego stroking, etc. My H is like that and that is why I worry about over friendly FFs. Anyway, I think you guys are doing great communicating and trying to get to the reason for why he has had the EAs. Without the cause, one has no idea when/if it will happen again. My H never confirmed his past possible EA but I do think that is was not appropriate and we have never discussed the whys.
(((((Rottzuki)))))
I am sorry that you found yourself back in the EA but I do commend you for coming clean and also trying to find the cause and work with Rottzilla on the BB.
Hang in there both of you, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Rotzuki- Do you find yourself having urges to contact OW now and if so what do you do about them. My H had an A a year ago and has tried several times to break off it with OW since then. They work together and things are broken off and then eventually they start speaking again and get close. Although I believe its only EA since about 8 months ago. H finally admitted last week to all of it. Usually I find out something and he has to come clean.But this time its different as he came to me. He says he doesnt love her but has feelings for her. Like now we are under a hurricane warning here in S Florida and in the past he has always stayed in contact with her to make sure she is ok etc etc. He is being honest with me now and telling me he still is inclined to do it but know its the wrong thing to do. He finally told OW last week that he has been misleading her and that we are working on our marriage and that he loves me. But he admits to me he has feelings for her. I just dont know how much more of this I can take. I am scared he cant lose those feelings for her and this is going to go on and on.
I think it is very great that you are both brave enough to come to the board TOGETHER as a TEAM to try to work on the Piecing Work as you Reconcile
Quote: Hi VJ38, Thanks for the encouraging words. I realize my perspective here is a precious commodity and I hope that I will be able to help others in any way I can. Sometimes I'm not the greatest at converting my thoughts into words but I will do my best. thank you for even attempting to explain your thoughts & feelings it'll help us to try to decipher what our WAHs are thinking
I would really like to see some good come out of this.
There's always something good sometimes it's easy to see & other times we have to really look hard to see the good but in all things there is something good somewhere in the mix
That means it is still in pieces, but like a quilt, you are picking them up and placing them carefully so your marriage is strong as well as looks good.