well - im back to peicing now! Ive just moved back from seperation post'is time out seperated' Im jumping all over the place! So H left for a week, then returned saying he positive he wants to work all this out - and stay together! PHEW! Now Im confused of what i do now! I feel like the excited teenager i was when we met!- and H is really starting to get into a lovely pattern of interest too. H regularly calling me- saying he loves me, misses me etc Weve spent some lovely time together over the past week- and things are going great.
Im just curious- how long do I do the DB stuff Ive been doing! I know one of the great things that helped H was he wanted the space to think about his confusion- I stopped initiating phone calls- stopped presenting as needy etc etc etc but do i keep doing that now? I dont mean i want to be needy again!- its just that i feel so happy at the moment and just want to cuddle him tight, tell him i love him all the time, and see him all the time (as you do when youre in a new relationship!) but Im still waiting for him to initiate everything? Im really scared that I'll start doing what i feel is right- only to discover it scares him off or something?
hi guys- well H has been away on his painting trip for nearly a week now!- Only a few days to go and Im flying over there to spend the last few days.
All has been going great still- Ive only had one crack up over the phone- this was on Saturday night- after i watched cheaters! bad move ! dont watch cheaters when youre already feeling insecure!! I went into a panic - worrying about the girl from work he had said he likes a bit--- so when he rang i was a mess! I bawled my eyes out- and asked him a squilion times 'did you kiss her, did you touch her etcetc etc' H reassured that nothing happened between them- but thats what the guys on cheaters said too! so it didnt comfort me a great deal! Im ok now- I think being at work is a great distraction! H calling me lots- saying ILY, misses me etc- which is nice. trying to get some rest etc and prepare myself to be a bombshell when i arrive to visit! xxxxxx
ohhhhh ive had many setbacks the past few days! if youre interested in learning 'how to screw it all up' read ahead!
the night before flying over i had a stupid breakdown to H on the phone! I cant even remember what it was about! I think it was because he didnt ring me all day and said he was just too busy. i got all upset and cried and yelled and told him i felt unloved, at the bottom of his list of priorities etc etc- i told him o didnt think i would come anymore (stupid game by me to get a reaction!- luckily it was a good reaction!)- H calmed me down in the end and i was ok.
when i arrived i got off the plane and stupidly had expectation of our meeting- H kind of stood there out the front and tossed his head like 'come over here' there was no smile on his face, nothing. this upset me- but he did eventually give me a cuddle and kiss.
As soon as we got to the hotel he said he wanted to go out with his school freinds and was i coming. I agreed, and played it totally cool- had some drinks, talked to his freinds ans others etc- H payed little attention to me through the night.
we got home at 3am. H very drunk which was very unusual because he rarely even drinks.he went straight to bed and passed out with no cuddle etc. I felt upset that night as i had learned there was only one bed where they had been staying- which they had all been sharing (2girls and one other guy!)but didnt bring anything up.
the next morning we went to go get breakfast- rather than a good morning hi, i woke up to H texting his freinds 'what you doing etc'
we went off to breakfast- and i noticed H texting again.I started getting really annoyed as he couldnt just relax and spend time with me and his mum without contantly contacting his mates. I made some comment under my breath- do we have to have breakfast with them- H sensed my tention and said no of course not, well have brekkie. Went for a walk- H took us to a popular street to check out and conveniently his freinds were in that street. He kept hinting 'what do you guys want to do- the others are jsut up the road- we can go see them if you like'. I was getting really annoyed now- and it was obvious to me all he wanted to do was be with them....he had jsut spent the entire last 10 days with them!!! we went and met up with them for an hour. H said he wanted to go back and have a rest. We did that - I was getting really excited coz his mum was meeting up with a freind so i thought great we can have a few hours together before H exhibition opening. Well, H passed out on the bed again and as soon as he woke was texting his mates again and had made plans to meet them before the exhibition.
We went and met them - and i watched H prancing around talking and laughing and smiling with everyone but me. The tears began to well in my eyes. I kept having to hold by breath and try to thought stop. it didnt work!
I was about to have a breakdown right in front of everyone - i told H i was leaving and had to go... H said what do you mean? you cant go?stay here? the tears were coming and i just wanted to get out of there without making a scene. H rubbed my leg and said its ok whats wrong, I said I couldnt talk about it and Im about to crack. I absolutely had to go- I was about to bawl my eyes out. H followed me along the road and i broke down, crying hysterically - H tried to support me and encourage me to go back to the festivities. I told him i couldnt - i was too upset- and for him to go- i said please just get me a taxi- so i can get out of here. H wouldnt leave me alone though - so stayed. I told him i was so upset because he didint even make any effort to try and spend even a short amount of time together. I explained it was just because Im so insecure at the moment etc etc- I continued my breakdown, going through the seven stages of greif- upset, angry etc etc- I said some really stupid things and bagged his freinds, and bagged him, and told him he has changed and is leaving me out- etc etc. I was shaking like a leaf, and crying hysterically. I told him i felt like jumping off the balcony (because i did feel like doing that!)- i told him he was awful and what kind of H sleeps in a bed with other women (he insited they were all in sleeping bags etc which i beleived anyway), basically I made myself out as a crazy, needy, freak.
H was nice in the morning but had to leave very early. he said he will text and call to let us know how his trip is going. He didnt do this and i got cranky in the end and sent sarcastic text messages. turns out he had food poisening and was throwing up the whole time!
Iv ebeen totally inconsistent the past few days- DBing really well, then breaking down, sending nice texts to him followed by nasty ones- its sooo stupid- I can see H starting to withdraw a lot and now Im scared to death and back at the start again i think!
I have some serious DBing to do again. i started, by just sending a message to apologise for my craziness the past few days- now- my aim is to go back and start playing it cool again!
please wish me luck!!! sorry for the ridiculously long post- i had to get it all out! xxxxxxx
