Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Why are we LD/ND???

Lillie said

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I'm not saying this is right-- just that it's understandable. In the case of sex, it is one way to stay in touch with that vibrant, passionate, adolescent who thought all things were possible. But first we have to become aware that we have let him/her slip away.

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I never was an adolescent who thought all things were possible. When a teacher asked our sophmore class what we each wanted to be when we grew up, I got sent to the principles office for being smart when I said "alive" and the class laughed their a$$es off. I am getting a sense of that adolescent idealism, optimism, and drive. I am learning direction. I am learning what I like and learning how to integrate those things into my life.

cine wrote

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When a teacher asked our sophmore class what we each wanted to be when we grew up, I got sent to the principles office for being smart when I said "alive" and the class laughed their a$$es off.

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God save us from this kind of teacher!

The other day I was having my eyes checked, and my eye doc whom I've known for 25 years said his dearest wish was to have a beautiful singing voice. I know how he feels, because that's one of my dearest wishes, too. He said that when he was in FOURTH GRADE he tried out for the choir, and the teacher told him he was tone deaf and couldn't sing. So he hasn't sung since! He's 48 years old! That teacher should be slapped. He took those words to heart-- and they might or might not be true-- and has deprived himself of the joy of singing for 40 years.

Another friend was given an F in math by a nun when she was in FIRST GRADE! She grew up hating school-- although she is truly a brilliant and self-taught woman. Dropped out of high school and went to Haight Ashbury in the 60's and lived with a rock band and cooked for them! She would have adored college-- but that nun labeled her and she believed it, and there was no one at her tender age to counter that.

OTOH a wonderful teacher can open up the universe to a person. Although I had very neglectful parents, I was blessed with many caring teachers along the way. If not for some of them, I'd probably be dead or in prison.

Now returning thread to regularly scheduled topic!

Lillie,

Thank you! I appreciate that you are able to see what we are saying! I read so many posts about HD people feeling like we LDs are making the choice to give up a hot SL dispite how much it is hurting the other partner, and it simply just isn't so.

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But think of the other stuff that gets edged out, too-- stuff that you've let go of and probably haven't noticed because it doesn't affect your partner, so there's no one to remind you.

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There are so many things I used to do that I don't do now, and if they all negatively affected my H, I'd be in a pickle!

Would I love to be that sexy little vixen my H married? Of course! I'd love to feel that way all the time! I remember the fun of 'christening' every room of our home! Now, I think of how nice it is when I can see the floors in those rooms!!! And that doesn't happen by itself either!

My H is great to help out; he has to with the busy house we have (4 kids, 2 w/ autism), but he doesn't really have time to pick up a couple of extra 'jobs' that would make me feel special/extra loved! Perhaps when the kids are a bit older...

Jen

jen wrote

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I read so many posts about HD people feeling like we LDs are making the choice to give up a hot SL dispite how much it is hurting the other partner, and it simply just isn't so.

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Some of the HD women on this board (I'm thinking of honey and JJ) probably have strong enough intrinsic physical drives that sex is one of the things that won't get shoved to the back burner.

But I think of the things I WANT to do-- like writing and practicing the guitar-- and when the end of the day comes, I still haven't done it, and then a month goes by and I haven't picked up the guitar... unless there truly is a POWERFUL DRIVE at work, sometimes it's hard to pack everything in. I don't have kids and I have a LOT of free time. Those of you with several kids and two careers-- frankly I do not see how you maintain your sanity!

I'm anticipating some of the HD husbands responding with "YES BUT--" the S life should be a priority up there with clean floors, dishes, and yard work. Yeah, it should... but when those other things are screaming for attention, because if you don't do them right now, they'll only be worse in an hour/day/week...

It reminds me of a joke that I can't remember, but it has a terrific punch line: "They were stamping out flaming ducks!" I guess you can make up the rest of the joke for yourself! It has something to do with dealing with the emergency that is right in front of you whether you want to or not, whether you feel like it or not.

RE: Lil As Chrissy said, when the kids are gone, some couples reconnect and rediscover those more carefree emotional times. Ideally, that's what would happen, along with taking up the piano and painbrush again. But I think the connection with your partner sexually has to be maintained in some way or you won't be able to get back there.

One person can work on getting it back but that does not mean the other spouse will be willing.

I liked Chrissy's minimum ML attitude. Less, but at least something on a regular schedule. OTH Mrs Hairdog's plan is out of line.

Sure the kids, jobs, activities, taking care of aging parents and etc reduce the carefree time but too many things come up and interfear with a "primary" relationship that was the basis to have a family in the "first place".

As a H who would like more sex/ML, I have things too that weigh on my mind that interfear with making time for my W. But I also have 20 times more sex hormones I have little control on adjusting the quanity naturally infused into my body. JJ's story about the tub filling up and needs to be drained really hits home.

MB you say? well that is like having bread and water. Calories and nutrients only. What about the rest of the emotional feelings and connection.

I feel empathy for the wonen who don't feel the emotional connection with ML because of whatever interfears with that process. I do feel your emptiness and sex just becomes another chore. What to do?

Think of something you don't like to do that your H is doing, not because he likes to do it, but because to him it has to be done.

Ladies, I am not saying get over it and just do it. I am saying think of something that is important to you and tell your H what it means to you. Help him with ideas so he knows if he does some little things differently, even if it is only onetime, you will be in a better frame of mind for at least 30 minuets.

Waiting for things to get better is a falsify some people count on. Most likely things will stay the same overall. Look for the 30 minuets of improvement.

And I will say bait and switch has been a problem in some peoples marriage like the gf that went camping with her bf before they got married but now she admits to hating camping.

I don't think most LDW intended to be that way. I know life gets in the way of our plans. All I am wanting to say is make some time for your once, primary relationship or it might be permentally damaged.

Lou

Lou,

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And I will say bait and switch has been a problem in some peoples marriage like the gf that went camping with her bf before they got married but now she admits to hating camping.

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You can hardly hold that against someone years later... it was done during the dating game.

Bet you never farted in front of your W when you were first dating. Bet you never picked your nose, or peed in front of her (insert any number of rude/icky things people do in front of their partners) either. Bet you used great manners, acted like a gentleman and avoided foul language too. It's called dating, my friend! No one actually shows all their warts during that time, or fewer of us would be married today!!! I'm not saying it's ok to cover up major faults in order to 'trick' someone into getting married, because that's just wrong. But to cover up the fact that you're not really crazy about camping just to spend some time with a person you really like... I think we've all been there! I don't consider changing one's mind about something 'bait and switch'. Just because it's something that has remained really important to you, doesn't mean it stays important to her.

Can you imagine why someone would pretend to be a highly sexed individual in order to attract another highly sexed individual, only to have to try to avoid that very activity for the rest of the marriage, risking your spouse looking elsewhere or leaving you over it??? I can't imagine it, and that's what I'm basing my arguement on.

Think of sex for LD/HD like this:

I LOVE chocolate cake! There is nothing I wouldn't do for chocolate cake as long as it's legal and moral! My H on the other hand is very lukewarm about chocolate cake... take it or leave it. He'll eat it occasionally, but most times he'll skip desert if it's offered.

Now, across town is a huge chocolate cake sale. It will take 1 hour to get there, a wait of about 30 minutes to purchase your cake, plus the drive home. I will have to get a babysitter for the kids as this is an adults only activity, and H need to grab a shower first and have a bite of lunch before we go. As well, H will need to put gas in the car and check the oil.

In that case, it makes total sense that I'll call a babysitter and get lunch on right away. I expect H to run and get his shower, then head out to fill the car and check the oil while I get his lunch ready. I also expect that he will come right back from the garage, eat his lunch and we'll be on our way! I expect this because H knows how much I love cake, and it's not something I can ask another person to get with me. He should want to help me get cake because of how much he loves me! I could go myself, but then I miss out on all the great conversations/connections H and I will have during the drive.

H, on the other hand, doesn't think that driving 2 hours, waiting 30 minutes in line for the cake, as well as enduring all the other 'getting ready' chores is really worth it for a piece of cake. He knows I LOVE it, but it's a lot of work and he does have the lawn to mow before the rain starts later today. Now granted, the lawn could wait, but he's really proud of the way his lawn looks because the neighbours always notice! And knowing that people are taking notice of the great lawn he keeps really fills up his tanks!

Bottom line, more than likely no cake for me!!! It sucks, but how can I make H feel differently about it??? How do I convince H that he will love the activity once we're 'on the road'? That, in my opinion, is the real question. Now, sometimes H will just do it in order to make me feel good, but if he's not feeling totally content/relaxed/happy today, or if he's feeling a bit tired or perhaps underappreciated, why should he take me?

Jen ~puzzled about how to convince myself I LOVE chocolate cake

jen wrote

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puzzled about how to convince myself I LOVE chocolate cake

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... or maybe, more accurately, REMEMBER how much you used to like cake and reconnect with the woman inside who loved cake at one time, plus find the time and energy to make that trek across town in spite of all the things there are at home that also really need doing...?

jen,

There is more than one way to get a chocolate cake. Order it off the internet, wait 'til it arrives, and eat it while the kids sleep. Bake it yourself and feed it to your H while the kids watch "Finding Nemo" again. I'll bet my chocolate rations for this month that you could convince your H that he has a hankering for dessert that cannot be denied.

Re; jenoftheisland You can hardly hold that against someone years later... it was done during the dating game.

Jen, I hardly call dating with the intent of getting married a "game" and think it is a time to quit playing games and get real. Hence the pretending to like camping was all a lie. Not fair / foul.

Can you imagine why someone would pretend to be a highly sexed individual in order to attract another highly sexed individual, only to have to try to avoid that very activity for the rest of the marriage, risking your spouse looking elsewhere or leaving you over it???
I agree with you 100%. Pretending before marriage only sets you up for failure later.

I am not trying to imply people act HD on purpose before marriage when in fact they are LD.. And I agree with you things get in the way of having sex and ML. What I want to get across is for some people ML is the one thing in marriage that feels so special. To me no sex is like never having icecream again. I don't need a lot, but having almost none is depressing.

Sure, kids needs often come first and sometimes you have no control over things like the car quitting that cause you no end to your frustrated feelings. Sometimes sex/ML has to happen so the HD person does not think about sex most of the day.

Yes the LD person has her/his needs too. Some of those needs are not being fulfilled by the spouse but should be.

Maybe the LD needs to say "Hon, I know you like sex and I feel I need __________. If you would help me with _________, I will have some time (day, hour) to have some of your kind of fun.

This notion of waiting until you feel like ML is a dangerous path to follow. The no or very little sex path usually leads to resentment and is a circular downward sprial.

Sorry you don't have the same desire as your H has. I feel for you and your H. I don't think you wanted to be LD but that seems to be the way it is. I am not advocating you are in the wrong or should do what ever it takes to keep your H happy while you are miserable. That does not work.

The main thing I am suggesting is you don't wait till most things get better to feel good about sex. Figure out a couple things you like about ML and see if you can use those thoughts so you don't totally disconnect from the feelings that once were connected with ML.

Don't get like me. I don't want to give up ML/sex but sometimes the price is too highwhen trying to work with a LD spouse. I am almost certain if I left the M, my W would see the importance of sex/ML. Too bad it works this way sometimes. I don't want something like that to happen to you. I don't think anyone likes to be in a situation like that.

Lou.

Re: jenoftheisland From reading here on the BB, I guess there are numerous answers to that question, at least in the HD spouse's mind. Low hormones, no hormones, tired, lazy, crazy, nasty, bitchy... take your pick. I've read them all, and I guess I don't see anyone really 'getting it'.

jenoftheisland. I really do get it. Just stating the problems some "almost no sex" marriages might have if somethings don't change for the HD and the LD.

The LD can't call all of the shots in the bedroom just like the HD can't call of the shots where ever they like to ML.

And I do have empathy for the LD person. I have empathy for my LD W so only have 20% of the sex I realy desire.

Too many people want to use the "EASY BUTTON" or think sex should make you feel exciting before you do it. Being married to an "easy button" person is not fun.

Lou