Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE How do you describe the (nearly) perfect mate?

To All:

I have been trying to figure out how to come up with a term that describes the nearly ideal mate. I have used "Lovers" in the past but this seems to describe most a physical relationship to many, not quite an overall relationship. "Companion", well that really does not include the physical side of a relationship, so definitely not the kind of spouse for me. "Soul Mate"? I like the sound of that, but again, it seems to describe a person that connects mentally, but not physically. So what term really describes a spouse that is complete, a spouse that meets all physical, mental, and spiritaul needs. This would help me when describing what I want both here and with my wife. I know, everytime I talk with her and tell her I would like us to be lovers, she then gets pissed since "It's all about sex with you, isn't it". She has no concept of sex being an "Emotion", it is purely physical to her. Passion itself is a very foreign concept top her. She is totally lost in her mental emotions, she can not relate them to physical emotions at all.

CeMar,

I think this is going to differ from person to person...but for me? (in no particular order here either)

The ideal mate would love me for who "I" am...
...would be willing to share his deepest secrets and wildest fantasies.
...would be able to talk with me about anything openly/honestly...regardless of the topic.
...would prefer spending time with me rather than taking care of household chores.
...would be a caring/giving/loving father who spends time with his children and shares the disciplinarian role (my H is this in spades!).
...would have a healthy sense of humor, being able to laugh at himself and at me.
...would be supportive of my goals as I am of his.
...would have a good work ethic and be a responsible/dependable provider for the family (as am I).
...would show his desire for me in different ways (verbally, physically).
...would enjoy pleasing me physically as much as I enjoy pleasing him.


That's just a beginning.
GEL

Cemar,
The way I explained it to MrH was to say that he was my "Husband" but that this comprised different facets of his personality. Within the Husband umbrella was also my Lover, my Companion, my Co-Parent, my Soul Mate, etc.

He agreed that a good husband would be all of these things to his wife. And vice versa.

Each of these areas should be integrated into the whole.

However, to specifically answer your question, it took me a while to get across that, yes, I want a lover but Lover means so much more than a person who puts tab A into slot B.

Keep explaining yourself to her. Wait. You ARE saying this stuff to her, right?!?!?

H.

I couldnt agree more!!! Its funny because it that what a spouse should be? Otherwise why would people get married?

CeMar,

Great question..
To me a Soul Mate is one who makes us complete. In all matters of life so the physical would be included.
This is how Soul Mate is defined

Soul Mate. Ones true love.
Synonyms: alter ego, companion, confidante, friend, heart's desire, helpmate, kindred soul, kindred spirit, lover, one's promised, partner, true love.

The first alternative to this that popped into mind for me.
My ideal mate would be My Everything and I would be there Everything. This would encompass everything I wanted and desired needed and hoped for. But I don't know how a person would percieve being told I want to be your everything and I want you to be my everything. It may sound like you are trying to own them.
Then there is Significant Other. But I think you would have to state this as " I want us to be significant others in all aspects of our lifes" to make it entail all realms of a relationship.

Someone who is my soul mate,Lover,Compainion,and partner in life. One word that encompasses all of this hmm I don't know of just one word. But I will be interested in reading others responses to this.

Great question CeMar.

CeMar,
The perfect mate for me is a man who presents me with opportunities to grow, a man who gives me the room for that growth. My perfect mate is a man who will allow me to persue my interests and join me in ones he isn't particularly crazy about. He is a man who knows he is the sexiest, handsomest, best without me having to tell him that he is. He is a man who is willing to try something new if the old way is not working. He is a man generous with his time and talents.

CeMar, I think what you were asking is what TERM to use for the perfect mate. IOW when you say to your W, "I want you to be my _________," what term do you use to fill in the blank.

I think there is no one term that covers it all except "husband" or "wife." And then you have to explain, as honey did, that contained in that word is lover, partner, friend, companion, co-parent, soul mate, etc.

Since my bf and I are not married, I call him my bf! Sometimes I refer to him as my significant other.

As for the ideal qualities to be found in this person (which is how I think most of the posters took your question), I have described my bf in my "Reclaiming Your Sexual Self" thread-- and he is the ideal partner EXCEPT for his lack of interest in sex. Well, he claims he is interested, so let me say his lack of "action" where sex is concerned.

Cemar... I agree that the term " lover" may make your W put her bristles up...I kind of associate that term with youth or with something illicit.

I do think "soulmates" is nice and does not imply solely a mental connection...there is something warm and romantic about that term. ( IOW...it would have a positive effect on me if my H referred to me as his soulmate).

Honeypot:

I have tried several times, but like many LD women, che still thinks in terms of putting tab A into slot B. To her sex and affection are extremely low on the "emotional needs index". To her, they really aren't even needs. It is hard to explain the need for physical touch when the other person is like an "acts of service person". Could any love language be farther from physical touch then that one?

InherJourney:

Quote:

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I kind of associate that term with youth or with something illicit.

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I find this interesting, I think my wife sees it in the same fashion. "Lovers" is something that you only have in youth, or in an affair. She thinks that she is OVER this phase of her life. To me this is a very bizarre way of looking at life. To me, I married her to be lovers with her FOREVER! To me, marriage without being lovers is complete failure. In fact, I see no real point to life if you don't have a lover to share it with. Life is far better WITH a lover then without a lover.