What a scene! Must have been a little embarrassing. Good job on keeping calm. My 1st XW still lays into me like that on occasion. I know how that kind of thing can hang with you and get the adrenaline pumping a little longer than necessary. Hopefully you just blew it off as coming from a woman who currently doesn't have her act together at all. Funny how the WA struggles.
Well Gabe, not a great way to have a 10 year anniversary. Hope you find a fun distraction.
OCKIM, excellent post. I wonder how many truly completely abandon hope. But it seems to run with a lot of the advice...get a life, detach, quit pursuing...if there is any hope that they will come back. I think giving up any hope is difficult, but for starters a person should at least not let the WA/X know you have any hope.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I am sorry you ran into a freight truck! Good job dodging the bullet. Your W is angry at something and you are likely to be a target for a long time. This is a testing time for you and I wish you strength in staying calm through the storm. This flurry of anger is perhaps your W's guilt and self-loathing reaching a crescendo. Let her fall.
If you look at the MLC Forum you will find some very good discussion by some very good folk on Oh_so_blue's thread. I must warn that there has been infighting there but it is revealing nonetheless.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: If you look at the MLC Forum you will find some very good discussion by some very good folk on Oh_so_blue's thread.
Don't do it. I read that thread and started to instantly go into MLC myself. It's an interesting discussion of MLC, but I hope they respect their spouses opinion much more than they respect each other's. Probably the DB principles of listening and validating should apply to interaction with everyone, not just your spouse. Otherwise, how can it become ingrained.
UD, you're going to have a cobra attacking you soon.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Stillalone, no I don't have her journal. There may be lots more that I'm not aware of that she's reacting about, but that is her stuff, not mine. There's been not a hint of threat, coercion, and definitely not aggression on my part, yet X changed the locks on my house (illegal to do that to a landlord, but I let it sit hoping it would help her peace of mind) and has made various off the wall accusations starting in summer 04, when she became paranoid about me leaving her with all our debt and taking off with an OW.
How does one healthily debunk such unfounded worry? If its not too late in the R, via high doses of love and reassurance. I failed to do that - at least well enough, and instead withdrew to defend against her actions toward me. Hence the D.
In terms of me keeping calm, she upset me, but I was calm enough to not engage and to just leave. I don't want her as she is right now, and that has squelched my urges to pursue - all desire for R talks, contacting, etc... are gone. I just want space for now. And I plan to start dating in Oct or so. X has called twice today, leaving messages re S5's upcoming school year. In the strictest terms, these are violations of the RO. I will not be calling her back, but will give her additional copies of the information she requested at pickup tomorrow.
I went to a cranial-sacral massage therapist today, at the urging of my IC, with the goal of helping me to release emotion better. I went in w/ an open mind, and found myself bawling at one point when she was working on my lower spine and abdomen areas. Realized that I haven't felt safe w/ a woman in long, long time. Kind of pathetic on my part, as I know that I helped create that in my M. Realized as well that seeing X as merely expressing her emotion rather than as her attacking me is a much healthier stance (a bit of Deida and others here), as it will allow me to be there for her (later when things are less combative) and yet take in less of her emotion myself.
On a side, my Dad's colon cancer surgery was 'successful' this Tuesday, and he's recovering well this week.
I'll have S5 with me this weekend - Sat morn to Mon morn. Hurrah!
Ironic, she imposed restrictions on you but is not willing to follow them herself.
You are still too worried about not upsetting her; I think she is way past that point. I realize it is of no value in terms of an R, but letting her do things like change the locks and call you when she is not legally suppose to without at least mentioning it or acknowledging it, will allow her to continue to run roughshod over you and the situation.
Quote: as it will allow me to be there for her (later when things are less combative) and yet take in less of her emotion myself.
This I do not begin to understand. I do not believe she is going to let you "be there" for her, that is why it is so important to turn focus on you and S.
Do not listen to Wes..... You know he is full of it.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
X called again just now. She'd taken S5 and a friend to a movie and got a flat tire. Hopefully, she won't blame me for this, too. I had just put on the full set of tires pre-B, so this shouldn't have happened. Wanted to go into fixit mode (as the tires are warranted at a particular place), but didn't. She asked if I'd pick up S5 to watch him, as they've been sitting for some time. She sounded very pleasant/appropriate.
I told her that I was sorry to hear that she was dealing with that. I also noted that I had plans for this evening, and could only watch him for about 2 hrs. With that, she abruptly said, "I'll just take him to another movie" and hung up.
Not sure if that was good or bad, but thats now 5 RO violations on her part...
Why in the world is she contacting me so much now? I haven't said anything blatant like "I'm done and I'm looking elsewhere" nor have I blown up at her in return. What a puzzle.
From what I can remember from reading your posts, this is the first time things have really went south for you since the D.
I think you started a small fire when you snooped, which you already know, but just keep DBing and don't do it again. Fires need fuel to keep burning, don't add any fuel it will eventually die out.
She is punishing you for reading her journal because she is embarrassed. (Any time I snooped and confronted my W, it made her mad, if it was about OM she would deny it or threaten to take me to court or get a RO)
Your W is contacting you because she still needs help from you, she over reacted by putting the RO on you. A few days from now she will wish that she didn't do the RO. Her anger is from her own frustration at this point, you may get yelled at just because you are alive.
I was just thinking about SNOOPING, what would I think if my W found this BB and read everything I have posted. Even though I have been very truthful, the good the bad and the ugly was posted. I would at the least be annoyed that she invaded my space, maybe even pissed. When I was in the snooping mode I never thought of it as invading her privacy, I knew it was against DB "law" but I did it anyway because I thought I needed to know this stuff so I could protect myself
I am not trying to beat you up over looking at her journal, thats behind us. I just know that in my case snooping added fuel to the fire, the fire would be almost out and I would confront her about something else I knew she was doing, then the whole forest would be on fire.
Two months ago while the forest was on fire with my R, I started putting my life in God's hands. I couldn't force the drug addicts and thugs out of my XW's life so I asked God for help. I didn't complain about them to her, I didn't try to scare her about what drugs can do, I just asked God to help. I am by no means out of the woods, but several things have happened to change my XW, no drugs for about 2 months, not even partying anymore, no more thugs coming to her house. ( I would call it a blessing from God I did nothing, absolutely nothing to change her mind except pray.
Gabe, I still see potential for DBing to work for you and your W. Put it in God's hands and DB. This means you have no control of what she will or will not do. She will have to learn some things on her own that may be painful for you to be aware of. (Todays pain may be so we can have next years glory)
Quote: Why in the world is she contacting me so much now? I haven't said anything blatant like "I'm done and I'm looking elsewhere" nor have I blown up at her in return. What a puzzle.
Because she wants to be in control and does not like it, thus takes out her anger on you, when you do not act as you did before. In her mind, despite her setting legal boundaries, you should still available when she needs. The idea of you setting boundaries and saying no is not acceptable and thus the continued anger.
Your actions are not paying dividends currently, but you will always know you have been honest with her and yourself.
Good job on keeping calm. My 1st XW still lays into me like that on occasion. I know how that kind of thing can hang with you and get the adrenaline pumping a little longer than necessary. Hopefully you just blew it off as coming from a woman who currently doesn't have her act together at all. Funny how the WA struggles. 
You know he is full of it. 