Happy Sunday. I just got back from Mom's place last night. It was a very relaxing week and I definitely got the distancing I needed from XW.
Spent the week visiting, we camped in the mountains one night (good time) and doing a little work around the yard. It's gotten fairly weedy since my Dad passed away.
I brought my ex-stepson with me. He's a little uncomfortable I think, but I guess it went okay. My mom didn't greet him that warmly or anything, but no one gave him a hard time.
My X obviously had to call a few times at least while I was gone since I had her son. I didn't make any effort at all to call her and actually didn't even want to. I really was getting to the point where I accepted my situation and am not sure I wanted to her back. She always sounded down when I talked to her, but I didn't ask if anything was wrong.
She cleaned the house, or at least some of it while I was away. It must have taken her quite a few hours. It was nice of her. She did make some disparaging remarks about the state of the house, but I didn't get terribly defensive. I know I've let some things slip, but it's really in pretty good shape considering it's so large and I have other things I'd rather do. Also, when she called this morning and I was upset that I missed church she said facetiously "you're going to church now? Since when?"
Anyway, when she came over to get her son she was clearly upset and I gave her a hug that she readily accepted. I said "what's wrong" and she pulled me to the side and told me her uncle and aunt, who she has always been real close to, were separating. I said I was sorry to hear that, they always seemed happy together (don't they all) and gave her another very long hug and multiple other ones later. She came to my arms without fuss or any "MMMmmmmmmmm"s.
Her cousin, the son of the uncle and aunt that are separating, is going to Iraq (he's in the Marines). It's scary since he's going to a bad area. I wanted to see him off too so we followed them out to the airport. My X's whole family was there. It was nice seeing them all. I gave her a couple more hugs as well as her aunt that was looking pretty upset.
After that, my sons and I went to lunch then rollerblading. I stopped by my X's place because she had wanted me to watch her kids while she went to the gym. I didn't end up watching them. She came and sat by me on the loveseat looking sad, so I pulled her onto my lap where she sat while we talked. It was nice. She eventually got up but I think things ended on a good note.
So that brings me to now. Hope you all had a good week. I need to do some catching up with your situations. Take care.
W
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
That's it! Next weekend that I have free I'm coming over there then you won't be able to say how I stood you up. I guess you better give me your info so I can pick you up. Send all the details to my e-mail. I bet just the thought that I'll actually appear suddenly at your door has got you pretty nervous, doesn't it? I'll see you in about three weeks I guess.
W
P.S. You might need to pick me up from the airport.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You didn't call her and she called you several times, because clearly you have no idea how to handle children. And she cleaned your house while you were gone; ok, maybe it is just me, but that's a little weird and a little creepy. She had complete run of the house she does not live in while you were gone?
And then you saw on more than one occasion and were quite physical but you are ok with your situation, which is what?
It's late, but I just had to answer the questions, didn't I?
Quote: She had complete run of the house she does not live in while you were gone?
She was taking care of the cats. Don't know why she chose to clean house.
Quote: And then you saw on more than one occasion and were quite physical but you are ok with your situation, which is what?
Which is...the strangest divorce I could possibly envision. It's the divorce in which I drag her son on several of my vacations, she thinks I'm mad at her if I don't call, she is on again/off again on whether she wants to have physical contact, but primarily when she wants comfort, she still has access to my house and is not afraid to use that access, and I think I'm starting to get used to being divorced, and in fact may be swinging towards prefering things that way.
You know what was weird. The last time I was at my mom's house I was still married, it was one of the last times we ML, and she spent a great deal of time passing e-mails to a person she felt was her "soul mate" and a person that she'd forever love. Funny, but that person is yesterday's news and here I am....today's garbage.
Goodnight.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
But you are not "divorced," at least in the way most people perceive or at least compared to me.
We have NO physical contact. She does NOT come into the house when I'm not here. I certainly do NOT have access to her house. We do NOT talk about anything R related.
I think you have an addiction. You want very much to separate yourself from her in your mind. But when you are physically away from her and do not see her, as soon as you return, you make contact and intiate physical contact. I noticed when you were able to see her frequently (everyday) the physical need was not as great. But after being away, you had a need to physically be in contact with her.
I am quite sure she does NOT perceive you as garbage. She perceives you as Wes, the guy who will always be around for her.
*hugs* I'm so glad you're back and you had a nice trip.
Now what are we going to do about this sitch with your W. Clearly, at least to me, she still cares about you. A woman will not come and clean your house if she thinks you're garbage! And, hmmm, you don't call her, so she calls you several times. Then you can back and she lets you give her lots of hugs. Nope, not exactly what I would call a woman who can't stand you.
My friend, I say this only because I care. If I'm out of line, let me know. But you need to decide if you're in or you're out. Like Bruce and Gabe have noted, you seem to be all over the place with your feelings for her. You say one thing here, but your actions with her are not living up to that. Being in this sitch is not a bad thing, but I don't want to see you cause harm for yourself.
I too see a lot of positive things between you and her from what you tell us, but I don't live in your shoes. Only you know how you really feel. But it really seems to me that what ever you're doing or not doing is having a positive affect on your W.
Thanks for your comments. A little clarification. I wouldn't have felt any need for physical stuff and only initiated when she started breaking down. I guess you could say it was hugs a friend would give only more of them. There is probably a combination of things that led to her being more "traumatized" by events than she normally would be. The second thing is that I really feel she cares for me and does some of these things out of caring and also holding on to what once was. Gabe, I don't have any resentments or anger.
BUT, I know you're right Hope. I'm not really fully in or fully out. I'm just living my life with her floating at the periphery. I'm actually happy right now and not sure what impact she would have on that if she was more permanently in the picture. I feel like I'm at a point where I can either take her or leave her. I do know that if she showed up at my door saying she made a mistake and wanted to have a more intimate R with me again that I would need convincing before I'd have her back. Oh, I love her, I find her very attractive, and I think we have the makings of a good friendship, but I would be very afraid of returning to what was. Am I in or out? I'm trying to decide if it even matters. If I GAL, detach, and am happy, then basically whether there is any future with my XW is entirely up to her at this point. I will be me one way or the other. I will have to continue to live my life as I need to. I don't really have to make any decisions regarding my future with her unless she suddenly wants to have a future with me. If that point ever comes then I guess I need to do some soul searching.
Does any of that make sense? Do you know what I mean?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
