Hi Wes, (I think that's your name! ) I'm from the Surviving the Big D forum and I'm one of the ones that is much happier since my D. Many reasons for this which I won't go in to. Yes, there is a lot of bitterness there but I really do think that a lot of the derogatory remarks are made in fun. Like any of the forums, you just have to weed through what is valuable to you and what can be discarded. It sounds like you have one foot in the door and one foot out as far as moving on. Once you make this decision, everything else will fall into place. Don't be afraid to visit us. Jill
Thanks for coming by. I know most of the stuff is in fun. I've been there and done that before. And yes, I can honestly say that I am better off divorced from my 1st wife. The jury is still out on the 2nd. As you said...one foot in and one foot out. I'll swing by to visit the surviving the big D....but I'm mad that you are all from Michigan and so can have fun together.
Anyway, here's the update.
I did it. I held out until my X called. I'll try to do what some of you do when they give a convo. Here's mine...
me: Hello (answering phone) X: Wow! Long time no hear. You've been silent. Me: I know, you too. X: You must be really mad. Me: No. I'm not X: I was afraid to call because I thought you were mad at me. Me (laughing): No I'm not mad. Where did you get that idea? What have you done that I should be mad about? X: You would know better than me what you're mad about Me: You haven't done anything that I'm mad about (silently thinking except live in your own little world) Me: What have you been up to? X: Nothing much.
The conversation then went to her parents recent trip and I asked about her kids. She never asked anything about what I've been doing, how my kids are, how they did at the state meet, or really anything about me at all. Interesting in retrospect.
I basically ended the convo with "well, I've gotta get ready for tumor board. Wanna come?" I had to ask "What" three times to hear her answer which was "yeah, I'll be there". It's just a joke. She can't go, but I used to ask her if she wanted to back when we had a marriage.
So, not sure what to do now. I don't want her to think I'm mad at her, just too busy having a life.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I suspect it felt weird because you weren't chasing her, but waiting, good for you but I bet it also felt better being in control. And I am sure you expected the "are you mad at me" coming?
Good self-control, hope you can sustain and hope it pays dividends in some way.
I've noticed since I quit calling her, she calls more, and even came by today on her way to work. And yes, I complimented her. And she deflects the compliments, what is this about ladies?
Have a great day everybody. Because you know what, these are our days now!
I did expect the "are you mad at me". I expected it a little sooner. I did kind of just leave abruptly on Saturday after the movie. Left her kind of hanging wondering if we were doing anything more together I think. Anyway, enough about her and I. I just saw a gorgeous girl that I'd love to hit on. I might have to go over there more often. Of course I probably can't since she somewhat works for me.
Anyway, here's the daily message. This is very fitting for all of our situations. Especially if you are holding on to bitterness and expectations...
Quote: Serenity Of Knowing Acceptance The world is a palette of varied beauty with subtle and not-so-subtle differences in brilliance and hue. But, like all we perceive subjectively, many things can fail to meet our expectations. People don't behave as we'd wish them to, situations turn out differently than we'd imagined, and the end result is often unhappiness. The remedy is acceptance - an open-minded, understanding perception that brings the serenity of knowing every individual, situation, or difficulty is unique and valuable in some way. It is a mode of respect for differences, of seeing beyond faults or disappointments and reaching contentment.
Though acceptance necessitates recognizing and acknowledging situations or attitudes that exist in the present, it does not imply that you need also give your approval. To approve or to disapprove is to judge, but in accepting, you simply understand that all situations and all people are in a constant state of flux. Likewise, each of us is also in the process of changing and by choosing to accept ourselves (in the past, present, and future); we can truly begin to understand who we really are. Acceptance is freedom from the need to retain preconceived notions, control of others, favored outcomes, or the anxiety that can come when the unexpected occurs. It is more than tolerance, though resisting the urge to react to the choices of others is a large part of the process. Rather it is a patience and gentleness that extends outward, beginning in one's own soul and extending to other people and the world at large.
Sometimes the process works in reverse because accepting others can be easier than accepting oneself, though the latter is the inevitable result of true acceptance. In fostering acceptance, the need to judge is quelled because the belief that others ought to live up to your expectations (or 'should thinking') is eliminated because everything is evolving and deserves to do so without interference. And in letting growth happen and understanding that each person, place, thing, or situation is as it is meant to be, a blissful quiet of the mind and strong feelings of worth can be realized.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Great post. Regarding your question on my thread on going dark. I see WAW almost everyday due to D3 pick-up and drop-off situation. Also, we spend a lot of time on the weekend with D3 for the same reason. But I have had periods of going dark from WAW. It was very very difficult in the beginning but over time it has gotten easier as I have pursued some passions through GAL (running marathon, tennis) and read myself to a decent place in my mind (Thich Nhat Hanh, Dalai Lama, Deida, others...). It takes a lot of work to get to the place where you are free from the nagging feeling of emptiness. And of course some days are more difficult than others. Like today, I have had bomb 3 dropped on me. But it was a good convo with W and I am in balance.
Anyway you can fedex that gorgeous chick over to Iowa?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I'm not close by. I'm in North Dakota. Get the MI DBers together and do the Vegas trip. Where in Michigan are we talking? Sometime I'll take you up on the offer for get togethers with fellow DBers and just fly there some weekend.
Here's my update for the night.
X called about walking the dog. And coincidentally wondered if "I'd do her a favor. Watch the kids while she went to the gym". I'm starting to suspect that the only reason she calls is to ask for something. Again...all about her.
The walk was uncomfortable. We lost some of the comfort level over the dark time. I didn't want things to get too familiar. I just focused on having fun with her kids and basically engaging her in convo very infrequently.
After the walk I took her kids to dinner while she went to the gym and then I took them down to the river. She was taking quite a while. I was meeting someone for drinks at 9 and she was nowhere to be seen. I finally called and left a message that I needed to get going at 9. She said.."so you got a hot date?" I didn't answer, but she assumed I did have a date and said "good good". Blah!! Whatever. She can act like she's good with it if she wants.
Another interaction...another time that was more distant than last month. But I think I needed to take a step back from physical contact and appearing interested in order to get long term gains. I'm pretty sure that I need to get her thinking I don't want her in order to have any hope. If I have any hope. Being with her isn't having nearly the effect on me it used to. I did enjoy the time with the kids and they enjoyed the time with me. Too bad my X threw it all away and probably can't get it back. She did thank me for giving her a break.
She did lie about what she was doing all that time. She said "I fell asleep. I laid down for a bit and just fell asleep." I think she was actually on a call with a friend (a girl) and maybe didn't even go to the gym. She was in workout clothes but didn't look like she worked out.
I think I'll go through the rest of the week without anything more. If I have no plans I'll make some up. If she'd prefer I date then so be it. As I said...she needs to take the initiative including making improvements.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The sitches seem to be getting more complex all over this forum. Either that or several of us are merely becoming more aware.
I've been thinking about what I've seen in my sitch and others, and wondering how to do the following: - Keep resentments to a minimum: likely thru heavy GAL work and low expectations. - Drop the rope and move on, without slamming the door shut: Maybe thru comfortable acknowledgment of remaining love/affection, with continual focus on meeting healthily one's own needs, including those of affiliation, love, and female companionship.
This brings up dating and the remaining possibility of the Aha! moment of the WAW, when she eventually clicks to "What was I thinking! I want him back!" In a few convos with Kevin and others, this has been explored. What happens to the odds of this occuring if one is already dating?
In my sitch, W has a truckload of false pride, and making a latenight phonecall or showing up on my doorstep would be much less likely if she thought that I might have another woman in my bed. Do we proceed with our lives regardless and assume that the odds are so slim that why bother? Or is there a way to move on without hurting such possibilities.
Quote: In my sitch, W has a truckload of false pride, and making a latenight phonecall or showing up on my doorstep would be much less likely if she thought that I might have another woman in my bed. Do we proceed with our lives regardless and assume that the odds are so slim that why bother? Or is there a way to move on without hurting such possibilities
My questions to you: Is it really healthy, GAL, and focusing on yourself if you worry that your XW will find out your are seeing someone?
Question 2: If your XW suddenly came to her senses and came knocking at your door would you take her back just like that?
Question 3: If your XW came to the door and you had a FF in bed with you would it really kill your cause? If that was enough to submarine your whole future would you really want a R that was so fragile?
Okay..time to put yourself in her shoes. She suddenly wakes up and comes to the realization that she loves you madly. She wants to tell you so she rushes over to your house only to discover you have another woman with you. Now...she does remember she encouraged you to date...she realizes what she's missing out on and she loves you. Does she just say..."oh well, guess I missed out." or does she become even more determined to win you back. Perhaps she'll even need to do a little self-improvement to become more attractive to you.
I'm just not sure that it isn't false hope to hold off on any other R in the off chance that my XW will want to have another R with me. I've tried the friends, went the pursuing route, the physical route, the trying to overcompensate with her kids route. None have attained my goal, although I do think we were doing okay with the friendship. I made the changes to myself and I'm happy with who I am. Now basically the ball is in her court. She has to come to the conclusion or not whether she wants to pursue a R with me. But I'm not waiting in the off chance she will. It's not fair to myself.
If she really comes to realize she loves me and wants to get back together then she will have to show it. And if false pride prevents her from doing that then I don't want her anyway.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
)