Well, maybe. We have been with this church for about 4-5 years. Some in our membership have said they have felt close to God at times; of course, our pastor has his memories of this. Me, I haven't felt that closeness, but I feel comfort in being with our church membership, in church services or during choir rehearsal or performance, mainly because I get a sense that all outside problems are not as important as I think they are when I am outside the church circle. I have told our pastor that I don't spend a lot of time thinking whether I believe rigorously in the church dogma, even though I recite the Nicene Creed every Sunday. Our pastor didn't think it was that important.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
So, more journaling. My WS and I are going to continue our MC; I asked for a short dialog with my WS and told her I wanted us to re-begin the MC (we had let it lapse during the summer for about a month). I said it was very important to me, because if we let the MC go, we would lapse back into the patterns we had before the bomb was dropped and I didn't want that. My WS seemed to want to continue the MC as well and we set our appointment for next week. That wasn't much of a confrontation. I think my WS had just let it slide because of all the work and busyness that always accompanies starting school again. So we are continuing the Imago work again.
I still feel guilty about not telling my WS about all I post here. I feel we must build the windows and doors that Shirley Glass talks about in "Not Just Friends". Windows to let in all everything between us; doors to keep others from knowing out most intimate secrets. I signed up with match.com to see what Uncle NYS looks like (NY, you savage stud, you). I also couldn't resist looking at some W's who post from the Atlanta area. Some looked really attractive. I don't think I would comfortable dating or being involved in a romantic relationship with someone who is much younger than myself (58). Possibly because of shared experiences or shared outlooks on life, I don't know. But I am just speculating; I am still 100% committed to rebuilding and keeping my love with my WS - 4.5 months after the bomb dropped.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Sorry I dropped off for a day or two there. It's kind of tough staying up to date on this site during the work day. I like the pro-active approach you seem to have. Hopefully I can get my wife and I back into C sessions. We kind of dropped those for a while, W does not like discussing her problems with other people, even trained ones. Hopefully I'll have good news to report soon.
Life just gets curiouser and curiouser sometimes. I post a reply to Uncle NYS on his site and end with "I'm not going to lose any sleep over it." Then my WS and I go to an MC session and talk about the different ways that men and women have of communicating. Specifically, I bring up that sometimes my WS will say to me "You're not listening to me", if I am reading something while she is speaking to me. Then I can repeat back to her what she has just said. The MC said what she may be saying is you can repeat the information but not the feeling of communication that goes with the information. Also, that women sometimes talk not to exchange information (which is what we men are mostly socialized to do), but to maintain a connection among themselves. So that the information which is given and received is not so important as is the feeling of being connected with each other. Anyway, our MC said he thought we would find it beneficial to try to cultivate this feeling of being connected between ourselves - my WS and myself. So that night I have a dream of being in the kitchen with my mother and sisters. My mother is being extremely critical of everything I am doing while I am trying to prepare dinner for them. Finally I serve dinner, then launch into a tirade at her, telling her it is her fault that I have trouble communicating with women because she shut me off from her with all of her criticism and coldness. I feel hateful towards her and frustrated because I am not able to effectively communicate exactly what I am feeling. The point of this little story is that I did lose sleep last night because I woke up from the dream and was not able to get back to sleep. Not from being bothered about what Uncle NYS has pointed out, however.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
That's the way I feel sometimes, when we my WS and I haven't communicated for a while, and are just moving along on cruise control.
Artist/Band: Bonoff Karla Lyrics for Song: Someone To Lay Down Beside Me Lyrics for Album: All My Life-Best of Karla Bono There's somebody waiting alone in the street For someone to walk up and greet
Here you are all alone in the city Where's the one that you took to your side Lonely faces will stare through your eyes in the night And they'll say - woman sweet woman please come home with me You're shining and willing and free But your love it's a common occurence Not like love that I feel in my heart Still you know that may be what I need
Is someone to lay down beside me And even though it's not real Just someone to lay down beside me You're the story of my life
Well morning is breaking the street lights are off The sun will soon share all the cost Of a world that can be sort of heartless Not like love that you feel in our heart Still you know that may be all you get
Is someone to lay down beside me And even tho it's not real Just someone to lay down beside me You just can't ask for more
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Hi TS - Your MC makes a very good point about what constitutes communication.
Quote: Finally I serve dinner, then launch into a tirade at her, telling her it is her fault that I have trouble communicating with women because she shut me off from her with all of her criticism and coldness. I feel hateful towards her and frustrated because I am not able to effectively communicate exactly what I am feeling.
Is there any truth to this dream? If so, what can you do to improve the way you think you communicate?
Yes, absolutely. My mother is 80 years old, had open heart surgery last year, so there is no possibility of bringing up these feelings with her. I have discussed it with MC and WS. That's about all I can do. My WS suggested I write a letter to my mother expressing all these negative feelings I have for her and then tear it up and not send it. I might. I have gone through these feelings before with several Gestalt therapists but apparently they are still there, although not nearly as intense as they once were.
Slowly, am I reading correctly, do you all live in or around London? Our church chancel choir had plans to do a performance tour of England and Scotland several years ago. It got nixed because of Iraq war and downturn in the economy. I was pretty sore about that; we were looking forward to visiting Edinburg, York, London, Oxford. Well, another time.
Thank you for the reply.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
So I get an email from my boss saying we need to look at my part of the company and what I am going to do to increase the "revenue stream". Tone of the email is not good for me. Basically, it says my part of the company is getting close to "sunset"; what will happen after that is for me not promising. I am responsible for this part of the company; if it is gone I suspect I will be let go as well. I think the time frame for my boss to decide about that is at most by end of the year. Will meet with my boss later today; we will talk about all this.
I have been looking in a limited way at other options. Updating my resume. Posting my resume on some employment websites. Researching job tools, websites, jobseekers groups, support groups in Atlanta area. Our MC says this is a good opportunity to look at what excites me and look for a job which will excite me. I have heard about looking for work which "follows your bliss" and allows you to "blossom" most of my life (58 years old) and haven't found it yet. Present job is limited IT database/technical support and has some rewards. I like being able to solve problems for our software users. Unfortunately, this software is being "sunsetted". I have tried to get into other parts of the company, but boss says he wants me to be responsible only for this part. What this has to do with marriage building and maintaining is a lot of my self-esteem and self-worth are tied up in bringing home a paycheck and having a job to go to each day. Even though my WS says she wouldn't think less of me if I lost my job, I wonder and my conditioning adds to the wondering. I also wonder if the fact that I have never felt comfortable and easy in my work life made her more likely to accept the OM as a sex partner (her thinking less of me because of my limited skills where men prove themselves - in the job market, elk and moose butting heads and one coming out the winner and gathering his harem, etc., etc., etc.
Anyway, I have seen this coming, and the email from my boss clarified what was happening. I feel pressured to raise revenue for my part of the company. Feel pressure in stomach (light burning feeling), feel myself dwelling on feelings of doubting my worth, feel slight disorientation, slight sense of fear for what future will bring. These are all familiar feelings, have had them many times in the past when I have thought of love or work.
Our MC said our session on Monday was interesting in that we went over both of these issues (Love and Work) and that Freud said these two are the main issues that most people spend most of their time dealing with.
And so it goes.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
So, my boss comes in the office. I ask him when he wants to go over the memo he sent me this morning, about increasing the "revenue stream" and what's to be done about my part of the company. He seems to have forgotten at first, then says, Oh let's do it next week. So, what do I make of that. In one way I am glad of putting off what will be a painful meeting with him. On the other hand, I know my product is not bringing in much revenue, and he can't justify my salary from what the product brings in. So, some resolution has to be made. Also, I think he almost wants to avoid deciding what to do about this product I am working with, because he remembers when he bought the company and I was the only other person with the company and he needed me to keep it running while he got all his plans up and running. Now there is an outside investor that my boss is accountable to.
I am gearing up to do more job searching (looking at support groups, updating my resume, posting to jobsites, reading advice on job searching, worst case, looking at unemployment benefits in GA. I think that, finally, I will have to give up this job. The only way I can stay around here is if the revenue increases, which is not likely to happen because the boss doesn't want to put any effort into it and everyone else is working on other products, which he wants to push, rather than mine. So, must be looking on company time, which I don't think is moral, but what else can I do?
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Slowly