Ok, so last night I thought I would approach the subject of Xmas...and when we would be going home (back to SD) and how long, etc. Well, H said, didnt we already talk abou this? And I said, NO!. He then said that his mom would be working over Xmas and that his sister and her family are going to AZ to spend xmas with his other sister and he was thinking about going there for xmas. Ok..well, NO consideration for me or spending time with MY family at Xmas. I said, You dont want to go back to see my family? To which he responded, not really, we were just in SD for 10 days. Ok, that was in JUNE!!!!I am not sure hes just being selfish and inconsiderate, or if its because my BIL will be there..the one that confronted him about his affair and told him to make a choice and to quit hurting me. H has not had to see him since we started working on our M. Anywho.....thats only HALF of the dilemna! THEN I ask him what we plan to do for New Years and he said, "im thinking of going to Tinas's wedding" (This is OW's sister) Ooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk....hmmm...I didnt know what to say, what to think so I said, "Oh". I didnt know what to say..i was so surprised..I didnt even think that would be an option!! I mean seriously..how can he even think that I would want to go to this wedding and see OW and why would he want to go and face her H and her sister and mom! (They knew about the affair) I just dont get what was going through his mind when he suggested that!!! Was he testing me? Was he being serious? Was he wanting me to stand up and say, " i dont think thats a very good idea?? What the hell was he thinking!!!!
So, I look at our life now and it is so wonderful! H is so wonderful to me, so loving and sweet. So would this wedding be a "closure" type thing, since its been over a year since affair ended? OR...does he think he might still have a chance with her? Does he still think they can be together someday and he's just using me? Is that why he won't tell me he loves me? He is afraid to, just in case she might still want him??
I HATE feeling unsafe!! I HATE being unsure of us!! I HATE questioning all that he has been doing!!! I HATE that he hasnt told me "thank you" for me not bailing on him a long time ago. I HATE that he doenst consider my feelings about this damn wedding!! I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!
Why cant he see what he has done to me!!! Never before did I have to analyze EVERYTHING in my life before the affair. Now I have to make sure I am making him happy, make sure I dont get upset, make sure I dont make him mad, make sure he feels loved all day, every day, every minute!!! What about when I'm scared and afraid and feel sad. Why can't I feel safe enough to let him know that and he will make me feel better.. WHY!!!!!!
So, the damn wedding is 3 months away...I have to think about this for 3 months!! I talked to a friend of ours today about it and told her we need to come up with a plan for something for us to do other than the wedding. Well, its their 5th year anniversary and both my H and I were in their wedding together. So, we are going to try and plan a surprise "Renewal of Vows" for her H and that way, H and I have to be there! If we go to AZ for Xmas, its only a 5 hour drive to our friends house. It would work out perfect, if only H would be willing to do it. I dont know, maybe its a crazy idea, but its worth a try...better than thinking about going to that fricken wedding!!
What To Do When Your Spouse Leaves You Feeling Lonely
Proverbs 30 is not an often-quoted chapter from the Bible, but you really ought to read it regularly. It contains some expressive and significant truths...and one that really connects with what I'm going to share over the next few minutes.
It's found in Proverbs 30:21-23. I'll bold the specific portion relevant to today's teaching:
"Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who become king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress."
Wow! I think every wife has felt this way in relation to her husband at one time or another. Yet feeling lonely, unwanted - even unloved - in a marital relationship is obviously not God's design for you.
Let me give you three proactive things you can do you change your perspective, and impact your marriage. I'll also show you how one woman from Scripture - Leah, in the book of Genesis (chapters 29-33) - failed to do these things...and how the Lord brought blessing into her life anyway. You'll go away today informed and encouraged - so read on!
Tell him how you feel
It all starts with this. But be sure to be specific in your communication with him. Don't just tell him how you feel, but lovingly express how his behavior - or lack thereof - is affecting you. The more focused your communication, the more likely it is he'll connect with what you're saying and know how to change his actions. Leah failed to do this with her husband Jacob. He "loved Rachel more than Leah" (Genesis 29:30), but Scripture never says that Leah attempted to explain to him how his negligence impacted her. Instead, she thought having children would win his love (Genesis 29:32-34), but it didn't work.
Get behind his eyes
Not only must you speak to your husband about how you feel but, if you're mature enough, try to get behind his eyes and figure out why would he's not treating you the way you need. Maybe he's feeling depressed. It could be that he's going through a tough time himself. I like to remember this little saying: "when people aren't getting enough in they don't have anything left to give out." Doing this will give you an appreciation of possibly why he's been making you feel lonely or unwanted - not in order to excuse his behavior, but to give you some vital insight. Leah never attempted to get behind the eyes of Jacob. Instead, she was largely self-focused, particularly when it came to her competition with sister Rachel for Jacob's affection. Ask yourself: Where are you self-centered, and how is it keeping you from seeing your husband's point of view?
Look to yourself and God
If you're trying to get all of your emotional needs met by anyone, especially your husband, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I encourage you to continue to develop your personal life, have healthy same-sex relationships outside of your marriage, and nurture the whole person through having a more intimate relationship with God. That way, if there's something missing in your marriage, it won't devastate you or cause you not to be able to function.
Leah didn't begin moving beyond looking to Jacob alone to meet her needs until she had her fourth son. It was Judah - and when she gave birth to him, Leah finally changed her focus. "This time I will praise the Lord" (Genesis 29:35).
Leah obviously made many mistakes in relating to her husband and expressing her pain to him. Yet in spite of all this, the Lord still blessed her by what I like to call the "law of divine compensation." When God saw that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb (Genesis 29:31). When your loving Lord sees that you are hurting and lonely, He'll opens up other things in your life, to sort of level the field a bit. It's significant, I think, that Jesus Christ came through the lineage of Leah, not Rachel. God chose to let His Son, your Savior, come through Leah's family tree.
Here's a closing thought. Take some time to read the five chapters dealing Leah's life. Then take the lessons learned from this unloved woman, deal with your loneliness, and find your strength in God for healing and restoration
Hmmmm, does that mean I should tell H how I feel about this wedding??? Ooooooo, scary!!!!
I am the husband of a bipolar woman and I am wondering if waiting for her to come back is a good idea. We've been married 28 yrs, sep about 4 mos this time....were sep 5 yrs ago when she had a similar episode. I believe she is manic and delusional about me. After the first sep, she came back and was severely depressed for 2 years...then attempted suicide. She had similar manic period last year but never left...after resuming meds, apologized again and became depressed and atttempted another suicide. How does mental illness change the playing field? I'm almost ready to view this impending divorce as a blessing. Help.
2much- I am new to the boards, but I read your most recent post, and I wanted to thank you and congratulate you. I woke up this morning feeling somewhat pessimistic, but I read your post and realized that there is hope, even after an EA. I cried for you, b/c your happiness was evident in your post. In regards to what you are still looking for, remember what you wrote "patience paid off." Perhaps your H needs more time. I would suggest that you talk to him about it, although DB says not to push it sometimes. It seems like if you can make it back from where you were, then everything will fall into place in time. Like the book says, it takes a long time to get your marriage to where it is (or was), it will take a long time to get it to where you want it to be. Despite not knowing you, I am genuinely happy that your hard work has resulted in a positive outcome. It seems as if you have really turned a corner and put the bad stuff behind you. I wish you much success and happiness as you continue on this road.
Thank you, Imdi99....you brought tears to my eyes this morning. It has really been a long hard road and I have had many sruggles. They do get less and less and I can only hope that someday, (with a lot of patience) we can have the marriage we both want and need.
Thanks again..even if I havent heard it from my H yet, its nice to hear other people see how hard I have worked in this M!!
Yeah, 2Much, you're working wonders. It's hard for you to see that sometimes, but we see it and celebrate it. I think Michelle talks about how easy it is to forget all the good stuff that's happened when there is a setback. Go back through your posts and be amazed and heartened by how far you've come.
I said, You dont want to go back to see my family? To which he responded, not really, we were just in SD for 10 days. Ok, that was in JUNE!!!!I am not sure hes just being selfish and inconsiderate, or if its because my BIL will be there..the one that confronted him about his affair and told him to make a choice and to quit hurting me. H has not had to see him since we started working on our M. Anywho.....thats only HALF of the dilemna! THEN I ask him what we plan to do for New Years and he said, "im thinking of going to Tinas's wedding" (This is OW's sister) Ooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk....hmmm...I didnt know what to say, what to think so I said, "Oh". I didnt know what to say..i was so surprised..I didnt even think that would be an option!! I mean seriously..how can he even think that I would want to go to this wedding and see OW and why would he want to go and face her H and her sister and mom! (They knew about the affair) I just dont get what was going through his mind when he suggested that!!! Was he testing me? Was he being serious? Was he wanting me to stand up and say, " i dont think thats a very good idea?? What the hell was he thinking!!!! 
