Thanks JJ for the suggestions, but this is my question to you then....what if he does NOT do the things I want, meaning that I am not able to say, "I love it when you hug me" or " I really like when you snuggle with me", so then what??? Can I say things like, "I would really like it if you would snuggle with me" or "I would really appreciate a hug from you"...its hard to tell him thanks for things he is still not doing.
The cheek kiss thing...yea, I have pretty much just avoided trying to kiss him on the lips, except for tonite, but will get to that later...
Journaling:
I am sad and not exactly sure why. Could be I am tired, H and I didnt sleep much last nite. We kept hearing noises in the house. But I am sad...I just feel like crying...a good, long cry.....
Was little bitchy to H earlier today, and after he helped me with daycare picnic all morning. I apologized to him later about bitching at him. He went to Ft. Collins to see buddies, left at 4pm, going out tonite, staying overnight and going golfing tomorrow. So pretty much wont see him until tomorrow nite around 6pm. At first, I was a little upset...I never get to just drop everything or not worry about the house getting clean or other things getting done and go have fun for 24 hrs!!!!It just seems so unfair!!! Then I felt like....we have been spending maybe TOO much time together and I need some space from him. Need some ME time....he deserves good time out..hasnt been out in while. Then I went to feeling, (its rainy, cold out today) I just want to spend the whole day in bed, snuggling w/ H!! So, not really sure how I feel, except I want to cry!!!
H always looks and smells so good when he gets ready to go out..which sometimes makes me jealous, becuz he doesnt spend that much time getting all "prettied" up when we go out. Tonite when he was getting ready, I just watched him for while and then said, "You always look and smell so nice when you go out", hoping that he would next time put that effort into getting ready when WE go out. Funny thing, he later came into kitchen with 2 different shoes on and asked me which one to wear. I told him my opinion and he left and I just could help but smile. It felt good that he wanted to know my opinion. Right at that time, I wanted to shout out "I LOVE YOU", because I so felt it, but of course I didnt. Im afraid to Anyways, he came up to say he was leaving and give me a hug, and I just held him for long time.....didnt want to let go, then I looked up into his eyes and kissed him on the lips. He didnt turn his head and sort of kissed me back. Was good send off, then I told him to have great time, be safe and kick butt golfin tomorrow. He laughed at me and said, OK! So different from over a year ago, when I would be jealous of him going, we would fight, I would yell that he doesnt need to stay overnite, bcuz hes married, etc, etc. It even feels better to me to be able to tell him "have good time, see you tomorrow" I told him that I will be good and tired when he gets home tomorrow night so we can just climb in bed together and watch movies and he said ok!!
I am going out tonite with friend and think that is exactly what I need. I havent been out in forever and think this will be good time for us!
Well, I feel better and have stopped crying...so glad I have this place to come and vent!! Time to get some more stuff done, so I CAN just do NOTHING tomorrow!!
Quote: Thanks JJ for the suggestions, but this is my question to you then....what if he does NOT do the things I want, meaning that I am not able to say, "I love it when you hug me" or " I really like when you snuggle with me", so then what??? Can I say things like, "I would really like it if you would snuggle with me" or "I would really appreciate a hug from you"...its hard to tell him thanks for things he is still not doing.
How about, "I really liked how we use to spend the day in bed all cuddled up together"? Not sure on that though. I'm don't know if bringing up the past is a good idea or not. Just another thought.
I've noticed that lately when XH wants to go out, I don't mind as much anymore. (It does piss me off that he say's he'll be gone an hour and then doesn't come home for eight. Even that wouldn't bother me if he'd just call and tell me he's going to be out later!) I use to do the same thing you did, get jealous and start a fight. I now see what a horrible thing that was. Now I look at it as getting to have "me" time.
Hope you had fun with your friend and that you're feeling better!
Last night, H couldnt sleep, so he went to work on computer for a while. I was unable to sleep either, but I just layed in bed until I eventually did, probably around 12am. I woke up again at 4:30 and H was not in bed. I knew he had gone to sleep in other bedroom. Then I couldnt get back to sleep. I HATE when he does that, BECAUSE for 7-8 months of the past year, when he was having EA, he slept in the other bedroom. I know he does not think about that when he goes to sleep in there, he does it because he thinks he is keeping me up. But he is wrong, I sleep fine when he is in bed watching TV and I am sleeping, but its when I wake up and hes NOT in our bed and in the other room that I cant sleep because all nasty thoughts go through my head...I get angry, sad, frustrated..and then I lay awake for hours. This morning, I feel asleep about 5:50 and my alarm went off at 6am. How can I get him to understand that its hard for me when he sleeps in there, w/out making him feel guilty or think about when he used to sleep in there?
I know, piddally little stuff...but now today..I will be grumpy, sad and TIRED!!!
So, Im having a tough day. Probably due to the fact that H and didn not sleep in same bed last night. THEN add to the fact that I went to him and said, "H, would it be okay if when I wake up and you are not in bed, that I come wake you up to come back to bed?" WRONG IDEA!! He said, "no, I am alseep after not being able to sleep. You just need to let me do what I need to do" UGH!! Make all kinds of bad thoughts enter my mind. Was he thinking of OW?? Did he plan on sleeping in other room all along after he got home from playing poker? He did go into that room and turn on the light...am I thinking too much into it? Maybe, maybe not???? I just dont know. Plus we ML last nite..so then for him to not even sleep in same bed as me....really brought back thoughts of OW...he would do that when he was having EA. ML with me and then go sleep in other room and text OW!! YUCK!
Later I went back and said to him, "you are right, I am sorry for suggesting I wake you up. I was just being selfish. You need to do what you can so that you can sleep. If I can't sleep when you are not in bed, then that is my problem, not yours and I need to deal with it."
He has just seemed *distant* all week. I think it might have to do with the fact that he has been sick all week AND he has only worked 3 jobs all week!! That just means that he has been home A LOT, so I find myself leaning on him to help me out then. Plus, doesnt give us much time apart when we are both home together all day!! I HATE weeks like this. Plus he always stresses about money, so when he doesnt work much, Im sure that thought is entering his mind!
Anyways, Im probably just overreacting to a lot of different things and also because I am tired....I just needed to come here though and get some thoughts out of my head.
H and I are going out for supper tonite and then going to look at cars, so hopefully we can enjoy our night together.
Hs sleeping in different rooms seems to be going around lately, mine, yours and a few others I've read today.
So, you know, stop tormenting yourself with all these thoughts about H and OW. I think he's just tyring to tell you he needs some space (damn, I need to listed to myself!). You said that this week you've been together a lot and he's not working much so there are money worries, at least in his minds. He's got a lot of his mind, let him think.
I'm like you. When XH stays out or sleeps on the couch, I sleep like crap. If I sleep. Go buy some tylonal PM or something to take on those nights, I take a Xanax. But what ever you do right now, don't take it personally. Just keep telling yourself he just needs some space. Remember, up and down we go...
I received this in my email from marriagefitness.com:
One of the questions I'm most frequently asked is, "How do you know when it's time to quit?"
In terms of when to give up on your marriage, here's what I recommend.
If divorcing is a consideration for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for at least one year.
Try for at least one year!
And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.
If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, "What if this...and what if that...what if I tried this...what if I did that?"
If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.
If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy "completion." THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.
Here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.
I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching "completion" in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else.
The work I do with marriage coaching clients sometimes turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one.
I remember once when the marriage of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said, "Absolutely."
He responded, "Why? What's the point? My marriage is over."
"You're not doing it for this marriage," I explained. "You're doing it for the benefit of your next one."
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your intention while you're working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for naught.
Bottom line is this. If you're asking, "When is it time to call it quits?" The answer is: one year after you think you're done. If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you're still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don't give up.
This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from "done." Who would have ever thought that we could turn things around at that point?
It's NEVER too late! In fact (and here's real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get worse that they can get better.
Thanks Hope for checking in on me...I just been trying to find the time to post..
Journaling:
Thursday night we went to eat and look at cars. We had a nice enjoyable time. One positive that sticks out here...I always comment on how I would rather sit in booth than high table top, due to me being short and its just not comfortable, well, the past couple times, H has picked booth to sit in when we go out to eat. When looking for cars, he would ask my opinion and I would give it, but I also made a point to tell him I trust him in helping me pick out a good car, because I know he is good at doing comparisons and knowing what is good and what is not. (Trying to build up the ego... ) Friday night, we went to look for cars again...he has been so good at helping me and also being patient with me. I suggested when we got home that we watch a movie together, but he said he was going to play poker w/ friend online. I said, ok, then I will find something else to do and he said, You know, you can watch a movie w/ out me..and I replied, Oh, I know I can, but if I am going to sit and watch a movie, I would rather do it with you so that we can spend time together, but if you dont want to watch a movie, believe me, I have plenty of other stuff to do. So, I wanted to make sure he knew I CAN do things w/ out him, I just choose to save those things to do WITH him.
When we were laying in bed that night, I asked him to rub my arm...well, he does it so that it tickles me...not sure if its done on purpose or if Im just sensitive..anyways, it was kind of funny...then I said, you can do it on my leg, I am not as ticklish there and so he did...it was nice.
Saturday, we got LOTS, (well, I should say H did LOTS around the house to help me clean) done, because we are having party here next weekend and also that night we were going to Rockies game with his buddies. Yea, I know...I dont know why I put myself in that position, but I did. These are his "single" buddies. I do get along w/ them, but sometimes, they are so harsh and crude..not to me, but to other people. They are such bachelors and them come to our house and just "do whatever they want, eat whatever they want" and H always ends up paying for EVERYTHING!! He is just too dang nice!! Anways, we had pretty good time at the game, H was a lot shorter w/ me than he is when we are alone..he always acts different around his buddies than when we are alone. It kind of aggravates me, but I am learning, that is just how he is and realize that he COULD be that way all the time, but he is not. So, it was pretty good nite, once I decided to just loosen up and "let H be H". We got home, ordered pizza, (of course buddies didnt pay a thing and also didnt pay us for the tickets or beers H bought at game). I went to bed and H followed soon behind.
Sunday we looked at cars again. Cant wait to find one..think its putting extra stress on H! Then after supper last night, I ran bath for H and we watched movie. Was nice...he also rubbed my hand a bit too!!
Im little anxious to see how party is going to be this weekend. H used to "ignore" me the whole time, just hope its not all like that. Plus he's little upset (so am I) some of our friends that used to come to EVERY party we had last couple summers, are not coming. The are kind of bumming us out lately and its a little frustrating. But will just have to let that go, because we have other friends that we have met recently that we know we will have a good time with!
2Much - sounds like a good couple of days for you. I'm glad. Don't stress about the party and how H will act with you. In the past, when he ignores you, what do you normally do? If it were me, I would probably start doing things to get him to pay me attention, things that directly involved him. Do a 180 and do something different. For me, I would start talking with every one else and act like I could careless because I'm having a great time. (actually come to think of it, I did do this, and XH was running all over the place trying to get my attention. Even asked later why I was ignoring him!) But also keep in mind, maybe he's nervous about the party too. But no matter what happens, try your best to have a good time and not let H ruin it for you. Stay happy!!!
Quote: but he said he was going to play poker w/ friend online. I said, ok, then I will find something else to do and he said, You know, you can watch a movie w/ out me. and I replied, Oh, I know I can, but if I am going to sit and watch a movie, I would rather do it with you so that we can spend time together, but if you don’t want to watch a movie, believe me, I have plenty of other stuff to do.
2much, I face the same challenge. It seems it is me who always suggests to spend time together. For a planned events, such as weekends, things work out quite well, as W and I plan it together. But when there is hour or two free, it is always me who comes up with idea how to spend this time.
And when I do so, W feels pressured. I decided to back off. I just do my stuff, mostly reading. If W wants to do something together, she comes and says so. Otherwise, she does her stuff as well, and everyone is happy. Well, I still would like us to spend this time together, but I concluded it isn’t worth it: I do not want her to be pressured.
As far as party is concerned, I would just go ahead and have a great time. Talk with people, smile, laugh, and enjoy yourself. I bet H will see you happy and will not be able to resist and be around you. Just enjoy yourself!
and not exactly sure why. Could be I am tired, H and I didnt sleep much last nite. We kept hearing noises in the house. But I am sad...I just feel like crying...a good, long cry.....
) Friday night, we went to look for cars again...he has been so good at helping me and also being patient with me. I suggested when we got home that we watch a movie together, but he said he was going to play poker w/ friend online. I said, ok, then I will find something else to do and he said, You know, you can watch a movie w/ out me..and I replied, Oh, I know I can, but if I am going to sit and watch a movie, I would rather do it with you so that we can spend time together, but if you dont want to watch a movie, believe me, I have plenty of other stuff to do. So, I wanted to make sure he knew I CAN do things w/ out him, I just choose to save those things to do WITH him. 