Me almost 33 H 28 Aug 03- H said INILWY and that he wasnt happy. H had EA for 6 months from April 04-Sept 04 with old HS Classmate he thought he had been in love with since HS!He traveled to Vegas every month to spend time w/ OW who was married. H was friends with them AND their entire family...they grew up together. Sept 04 - We started our long, hard road back to US!
I took a break from the boards for about a month....tried to do this on my own...but found out..its nice to come here..if even to do some journaling and also the chance to maybe help other people out when they think that they just cant do DB anymore....that patience really pays off!!
H and I are doing so well! We are finally laughing and having lots of fun together...he is starting to relax a little more around me....like he's not so afraid to "love me" again. Believe me...its hasnt been a very easy road to where we are now...I got so frustrated so many, many times. Always thinking...."he will never give me what I need...I will be the only one who does anything in this marriage." Many times, I was at a point where I just wanted to forget this..I wanted to be with someone who wanted to touch me, to hug me, to kiss me and to spend time with me. I never thought H would get there again.
BUT he is starting to do those things!!! He hugs me...spends time with me..starts conversations with me! It is so nice...but then I want more.
There are 2 more things that I need in our M. Things that I think are very important in a M. H has still not told me, " I love you" (not for very long, long time and not since last Sept when we started to work on us) and he does not kiss me on the lips (unless we are ML). When I got give him a kiss..he turns his face, so I can kiss him on the cheek. The other morning I asked for a kiss and he came to me and turned his head so I could kiss his cheek. I just dont understand why?? I guess I will just have to be patient and these things will come?? Right?? The other things came eventually...
I got this in my email..thought it was some good reading:
Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop Focusing On Negative Possibilities Many people, who find themselves in a good situation, look suspiciously around for the catch. Or they unconsciously brace themselves for the bad that they believe must necessarily follow the good. It's easy to believe that positive fortune is too good to last and that happiness is always fleeting. But waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the rug to be pulled out from under your feet isn't healthy. Always focusing on the negative possibilities can put you on edge and even invite those negative possibilities in. While you remain hyper vigilant, you necessarily must wait, doing your best to protect yourself from uncertain events. It becomes more difficult to enjoy happiness and success when you are on guard against what's coming next. There are, however, steps you can take to confront a tendency to focus on the 'other shoe' by confronting your feelings and discovering what is standing in the way of optimism.
The fear that happiness is temporary is often rooted in the subconscious mind and past experiences that have fostered a pessimistic outlook. We are often afraid to trust in our own potential or feel guilty when our lives go too well because we don't believe we deserve success. But the truth is that we do and that there is no reason that a boon must be followed by a loss. When you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop, ask yourself if there is a strong possibility of something negative happening, or if your mind has conjured up the fear that your positive situation cannot last. If your subconscious is telling you that you don't deserve happiness, counter it by reaffirming your worth. Put a motivational affirmation on display in your home or office, or create a positive mantra, then focus on the present. The future is unknown, give yourself permission to enjoy the things going well for you right now.
It may take time for you to fully believe that you have control over your own happiness and that you can hold on to that happiness without worrying about what the future will bring. You may want to remember that you have more control over your life than you may realize. The 'other shoe' may drop or it may not, but it is your own attitude that will ultimately let you hold on to the result of good things in life, while letting the bad things go.
I definately needed to read your opening post today. The last little while I have been stuck mid stream, however the current has been very slow, so I've not been sure which way to turn, which way to push. Over the last few weeks I have been re-reading, but just hearing your post made me feel a little better on a friday morning.
Thanks Phoenix_spark! I hope that by coming back here...it will let people know that there really is hope and that this really does work, but it is definately the most trying and patient time of MY life!!
H and I had wonderful weekend! We spent all Saturday in Denver..first time since we moved here 4 years ago!! Was a whole lot of fun, except for the part of me getting lost in Denver and driving around for 1.5 hours trying to find where H was!!! UUGGHH!! NEVER AGAIN!!
H played in poker tournament and then we went and hung out in ESPN Zone and ate, then moved on to Comedy Club...and we laughed SO hard, my side hurt the next day!
H was so patience and sweet to me that day. Especially when I was lost...he could tell I was frustrated, but kept his cool with me trying to help me find my way.
While we were eating, I tried rubbing H arm, because I KNOW he loves that, but he said, "please dont". Instead of overreacting and thinking it was about something else, I just said, "Im sorry, I thought you liked that" and he said, "I do, just not here". Ok..so now I know...H does not like public displays of affection. He has never come out and told me that...I guess all those times I did, he just was being nice and not telling me, while probable being uncomfortable all the time. So, I am glad he told me..good to know!
I am still struggling with wondering when I will get things that I need. I think that my main LL are Physical Touch and Quality Time. I am getting the Quality Time from H and it is absolutely wonderful. Actually our time together is much more "quality" that it has been since we got married 3 years ago!! We actually have conversations and talk about each others lives and dreams, etc. I LOVE IT!!
But....I still need the physical touch. I KNOW that PT is my LL because any little touch from my H, makes my heart soar! Crazy?? Yea, probably...but when I get nothing!!!
I so long for a long lip locking kiss or even a simple kiss...I get them when we are ML, but that is it. He NEVER kisses me, not even on the cheek. I kiss him on the cheek when he's leaving, because he turns his head, so I cant kiss his lips. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!!!????????
Last nite in bed, before going to sleep, I even tried a different approach...I said to him..."how about a big ol' smooch goodnite?" NOPE...he turned his head so lips were in blanket, so I had to kiss his cheek. I turned and cried...just a little bit..but it hurt. I even once tried telling him that he has such soft lips and I love kissing them. (This was after ML) But thought he might like the compliment and maybe kiss me. But no...
So, are we in a good enough place that I can talk to H about this? Should I take the LL test and then show it to him?? Or do I just be patient like I have with everything else? But it gets so frustrating sometimes. I do sooo, sooo, sooo much for my H. And yes, he does do lots for me too..lots more than he did before....like cleaning the house, running errands, fixing things...but as much as I love that he does all those things, all I really want is a kiss...
Quote: Ok..so now I know...H does not like public displays of affection. He has never come out and told me that...I guess all those times I did, he just was being nice and not telling me, while probable being uncomfortable all the time. So, I am glad he told me..good to know!
The one good think I've noticed since all this maddness took over and doing the DB thing, is I've learned more about my XH. Some R stuff but also things about him in general that I had either never noticed or just didn't get before (since you don't talk about the R, you have to talk about something!).
Quote: So, are we in a good enough place that I can talk to H about this? Should I take the LL test and then show it to him?? Or do I just be patient like I have with everything else?
I think it depends. With my XH if I showed him the LL test, he would take it in a bad way, as if I were saying "you're doing this wrong. you're messing up." If you decide to directly come out and talk to him about it, make sure you use lots of "I" sentences and don't make it sound like you're blaming or complaining. I guess I'm most with the giving it time thing. Maybe do something different and stop giving him the kisses and see if he says something to you? But you have to do what you think will work best because you're the one who's there and in it. Good luck!!!
I love watching the poker tournaments too. However I suspect I will never do much more than that. Distance, Money all the standard stuff. I started brushing up on LL this weekend. I'd read it before, but I felt it had been too long. (It had). Keep up your good work.
Hey Phoenix and Hope, I am trying to get to your threads to read through them, but sure has been crazy! Some days Im lucky I can get to my own!
Journaling: Last night, H got call from ex-OW sister. (H is friends with the whole family and has been since HS) YUCKY for me!! Anyways, she called to say she just back from Vegas (where OW lives) and wants to get a bunch of people together to go back. SHE is engaged and getting married in December, and does not know anything of H and her sisters affair. HOw I found this out? Well, when H was on phone, I could tell it was not one of his friends he usually talks to by the way he was talking...so when he got off, I asked him who it was. He told me and then I asked what she wanteed. (Actually, I get along ok with her and since she does not know about the affair, I have no reason not to like her) He told me she had just got back from Vegas...and I said, "and she called to tell you that?" because it seemed strange to me...then he went on to tell me about her plans to get people together. I left it at that. Did not say another thing about it. BUT--was freaking out, wondering if H was seriously thinking about going!!! Would he invite me and if he did, of course OW would be there, because her sister and brother would be coming too!! Would he go w/out me knowing that I know he would be hanging out with OW and her family???
So, I just went on as usual with my night and H seemed to not change his behavior at all either. I guess if he had started thinking about OW, he might have seemed distant, right?? He DID go running 5 miles and stayed up much later than usual, but that could have all been something normal if I had not been reading into it.
I HATE that he has to be friends with OW family!!! Its so not fair!! I just want her out of our life forever!!!!!!! Even though when H came back..I told him that I knew he would probably always have feelings for her and I understood that..but to have to see her...
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Ok, on to another subject...I just get anxious when I think about her!!
I have decided to back off on the goodnite kisses on the cheek or any kisses for that matter. I want to see if I get some type of response from H by doing a 180 on that matter. Last nite, no kiss..just goodnite....but no reaction. I guess we will see....
Hey 2much, I would say continue with what seems to be working. Like you said, if he did not pull back when this contact happened then take it as a positive. Maybe he will see it as a way to pull away from OW if he just not go. He might feel it is a way to prove to you where he is. I too fight the clingy tendencies. Some times it's all I can do not to grab her and ........, well we'll stop there.
I just dont understand why?? I guess I will just have to be patient and these things will come?? Right?? The other things came eventually...
