Thanks for the advice. I hadn't considered the wine (although I'd substitute beer, since I don't drink wine) option, but if all of us HDHs drank when we didn't get any, the AA meetings could get really crowded!
What does your wife think of you masturbating as a release? Is it an issue at all? My W makes comments about it from time to time (ie; take care of yourself, go play with yourself, etc.).
We don't really talk about the MBing. We have a few times in the past, during our "talks," so she knows it's the release I use when we don't ML regularly, but -- like our entire SL in general -- she just avoids the issue now. For all I know, she's glad I'm doing it because this way, I don't "bother her."
My H is the HD spouse and I the LD. I can say that I made many mistakes over the years. He came across as interested in S and not me and that was a huge turnoff! He'd want to skip kissing, hugging, etc. to go straight to the "main event". That really made me angry and made me feel like an object.
When he tried to communicate with me I didn't hear what he was trying to say! Most men tend to get to the point and say things in a few words so it was lost between his mouth and my ears. When our R went over the edge and he turned me down when I initiated sex was when I was shocked into starting to hear him.
I did initiate S from the beginning of our marriage...both of us did.
Anyway, I didn't really UNDERSTAND!!! He told me it was too late. Does that day come for everyone? I don't know. Will it for you? I hope not.
I cannot say that we ever sat face to face without interruption with him telling me in detail what was really going on with him. He'd say a few sentances in passing when we were disagreeing about something. EVen there I don't think I realized the seriousness of this! I was an idiot!
In retrospect (and I try now too) I needed to follow up on slightest comment he made as that is just his style.
You will probably tire of little or no sex. Your wife is in the wrong. If she has issues about the R and that is the reason for no S (and it probably is) then it needs to be worked on.
I'd say if you have tried calm, kind, loving communication about your R and your Sexual needs and it isn't working...then if there is an OLDER lady in your family or circle of friends who is wise to this stuff...get her to talk to your wife.
As far as MB. My H does. We've talked about it and I've told me I would take care of him if for some reason we can't have S. It hurts me as I feel like he won't come to me. He has a few times and then distances himself.
I guess I communicated things for many years that I was unaware of.
Sometimes men seem like rocks and maybe she really doesn't know how deeply this issue is hurting your R and M. If she really loves you and has really HEARD what you are saying and doesn't want to lose you then she'll do SOMETHING to make it better. Even if that means talking! That is the truth in a nutshell.
So does she understand...does she hear???? Something has to make her hear it...you, a friend, a counselor, a book, an action....
Maybe in 10 years when you've had it that then your wife will wake up, like me....will be too late? Damage will be done ...while you are still at a lower anger point changes need to be made.
In 10 years you will have learned that she really does need all that romance and in 10 years she'll learn that a quickie is really fun...why had she avoided them?
"Sometimes men seem like rocks and maybe she really doesn't know how deeply this issue is hurting your R and M. If she really loves you and has really HEARD what you are saying and doesn't want to lose you then she'll do SOMETHING to make it better. Even if that means talking! That is the truth in a nutshell."
I think she understands the effect that this is having - I've certainly told her (again and again), and she recognizes that it's a problem. It just doesn't seem to be one she is willing to work on solving. When I ask her to tell me what she thinks I should be doing, she always says that she doesn't know, or she doesn't have the answers. It just gets old and frustrating.
Actually, looking over the posts on this board, there are quite a few marriages going without - I don't know of very many that are as long as my drought, but there are a few.
I can't say for sure what she thinks the vows meant - I would certainly think "love, honor & cherish" would cover sex, but that's my opinion.
To answer your last questions - yes, and yes. She has no interest at all in sex. She says her libido is gone, and at 41, she doesn't think it will return. Additionally, we've had some relationship problems (see my other post - Not a Good Start) which definitely contribute to her lack of desire. Factor in some health issues, and that's where we are now.
Besides not ML, does anyone else notice the negative impacts of a SSM? Do you notice yourself being short-tempered, resentful, and distant? Just wondering if I'm encountering "typical" emotional fall-out.
Re: Gremlin75 Do you notice yourself being short-tempered, resentful, and distant? Just wondering if I'm encountering "typical" emotional fall-out. Are you kidding or even wondering? The answer is yes I am short tempered sometimes, Yes I am resentful and distant sometimes.
Having sex and ML is so much a salve to the emotions, for me, that going without almost becomes a medical issue (anxiety, frustration, dificulty staying on task, depression).
Read some of honeypot's post. She writes she gets crabby or something similar and more if she does not have sex for more than 3 days. So this is not just a guy thing, some women get this way too from lack of ML.
My wacko version to end wars/homicide bombings is to make the generals/bombers have sex twice a day with willing partners. To me that is the best solution for agressiveness.
Would it eliminate wars? I don't know but I can imagine a lot of smiles on the participant's face. Yes, I know. Too simplistic but I would like to try it myself for a month.
Quote: Having sex and ML is so much a salve to the emotions, for me, that going without almost becomes a medical issue (anxiety, frustration, dificulty staying on task, depression).
This is why Dr. Laura says that a man's emoptions are controlled by the woman. People laugh at this, but lack of a decent sex life will cause all kinds of emotional problems for the man (and some women as well). Part of the problem is that there are so many chemical reactions that take place ONLY through and/or affection. The LD expects us to take care of this ourselves, when in reality, it requires physical contact between two people to solve the issue. I have always wondered why LD's don't want the chemical rush they will get from touching? I think the problem is that their bodies don't work they way they should, and therefore, they don't miss the chemical rushes that HD's crave. The HD unfortunately DOES know what they are missing, and it makes life truely suck.
I couldn't agree more with that sentiment! Well, we're off on our vacation trip - driving to Vegas (~ 14 hours), there for a few days, then over to Disneyland, then back. Should be an "interesting" trip.
Well, we survived the vacation - barely! How does anyone actually live in Las Vegas? 100 degrees at midnight is insane! After three days of that, the mid 80s in Anaheim seemed downright chilly!
Since we were sharing a room with my two daughters while in Vegas, there was no possiblity for any hanky-panky to occur. One unusual thing did happen though - my wife, who has a VERY low opinion of strippers, pornography, and the like suggested that I go to a topless show called Bite (something to do with vampires) while we were there. I thought that she was just being sarcastic, since she's very much opposed to that sort of thing. I told her there was "no way I would go to something like that, then have to hear about it for the rest of my life." She said that wouldn't happen, and she wouldn't have said it unless she thought it was OK. Even though she had "given permission," I decided that it wasn't something I wanted to do. It's hard enough dealing with being perpetually unsatisfied! I'm not interested in going to see a bunch of half-naked women that will further frustrate me and remind me of how I have no SL.
When we went to Anaheim, we stayed in an apartment that had separate rooms (kids on one end, us on the other, separated by a living room). I wasn't expecting sex, but thought we might at least fool around some. But when I started rubbing her back, she complained about the heat and asked me to leave her alone. I decided that I didn't want to "ruin" our vacation by fighting about sex (again), so I just said OK, and went to sleep.
It actually turned out to be a pretty good vacation, outside of the heat. I would recommend skipping the "California Adventure" park at Disneyland to anyone going there. Outside of the Tower of Terror, there's nothing there that you don't see every year at your local state fair. Stick to the main park, and you won't miss a thing.
After returning home, I saw that she had recorded a couple of episodes of Dr. Phil on the DVR. I recalled that the last time we had sex was after a Dr. Phil show about couples with sexual problems, so I was curious what the topics for these shows were. One of them was the usual sort of stuff he covers, but the other was about couples with sexual problems. I decided to watch it while she was doing some work on the computer, and it had three segments about couples who had sexual problems in their relationships. The first one was about a guy who was fixated on women's hair, so I just skipped it. The second was about a guy who had a porn addiction, which his fiancee was concerned about. I think this segment might have been the reason she taped the show - she's still angry about the porn DVD she found me with (see other thread). But the last segment was about a couple who were having a problem similar to us - the guy was HD, and the girl was ND. They were having sex about once a week, but she thought it was dirty and wrong, etc. Turned out that it was related to her upbringing, so I didn't really connect with it. I don't think that's our problem - it was never an issue while we were dating and early in our marriage. Unfortunately, Dr. Phil didn't really address it much other than to say the usual crap about the woman needing to get help, etc. I wanted him to say "you're wrong, you're destroying you're relationship, and here's the 1, 2, 3 things you need to do to fix it!"
One thing almost made me choke - the fiancee of this ND woman telling Dr. Phil that he was willing to have a sexless marriage with this woman for 50 - 60 years, if he had to. Of course, he's currently getting it once a week and isn't satisfied with that, but thinks that going without for the rest of his life wouldn't be too much of a strain on his marriage. What bullsh!t! I wanted to throw a brick at the TV. I haven't talked to my wife about the episode yet - she had a lot of work to catch up on from our vacation, so she worked late into the evening last night. I'm going to try to bring it up tonight, and see if we can watch it together and use it to start a discussion (again) about our problems. And since the last time we ML was after a similar event, I'll keep my fingers crossed!
I hate that the lack of a SL seems to be the defining condition of my life! I'm so tired of constantly thinking about it, being angry, self-pitying, wondering what to do. It's so...frustrating.
Even though she had "given permission," I decided that it wasn't something I wanted to do. It's hard enough dealing with being perpetually unsatisfied! I'm not interested in going to see a bunch of half-naked women that will further frustrate me and remind me of how I have no SL.
I wanted to throw a brick at the TV. I haven't talked to my wife about the episode yet - she had a lot of work to catch up on from our vacation, so she worked late into the evening last night. I'm going to try to bring it up tonight, and see if we can watch it together and use it to start a discussion (again) about our problems. And since the last time we ML was after a similar event, I'll keep my fingers crossed! 