Quote: How are the horomones affecting your DBing?
TBH, things have been mighty challenging. Some of it is definitely the hormones/related physical changes and all that results from those. Pretty much every day I feel like bursting into tears by day's end...partly I guess because I'm tired and partly, well, I don't know why...it's a physical reaction to ???? That sensitivity doesn't make my homecoming from work (already a touchy time sometimes) that smooth all the time.
I'm not sure I can blame it all on the "hormones" per se, but more on the notion that pregnancy has reawoken (? is that even a word?) the worrier in me and the control freak in me -- two parts of my self that contributed a fair amount to the trouble in my M and two parts that I had actually done a pretty good job of quelling -- I'm not saying I never worry or never try to control but DB'ing (and lots of other hard work) had really helped me with some related behaviors that were making things hard in my m....now, though, I'm occasionally mentally overwhelmed by worry on a variety of topics and that leads to my bringing out the "let's just do it my way" persona.
And, while the above represents the "doing more (the problem!) of what DOESN'T work", we've also had less opportunity to "do more of what DOES" -- fewer "dates", less PI, less just relaxing time....add too many negatives and not enough positives and well, you need a DB refresher course!
I'm not going to sign up for it ALL being "my fault", though..I'd say that h is probably got HIS equation a bit unbalanced as well...possibly due to the pregnancy, possibly due to feeling overwhelmed at school, etc. But I know enough now to know that changing MY dynamic may well go a long way to changing his.
Definitely don't walk away thinking it's all tears and fighting over here...it definitely isn't. Partly it's my heightened awareness of what works and what doesn't that is making me overly sensitized to the recent increase in "what doesn't" so you're hearing some of that...and as I mentioned before, we have been far more likely to recover quickly, talk about what's going on, etc. All a direct result of DB'ing and the years of hard work we put in. It just FEELS easier now to separate the "here's what I contributed" from the overall mess and work on THAT and let h do the same.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: But I feel like our sitch are so similar, only I am about a year and half behind you and your H!! I was wondering when those thoughts or "anxieties" about H and OW passed. Its been almost 2 years since "the bomb" (in March), but OW has been out of our life since last Sept. The thing that stinks with our situation is that H is friens with OW's family and the ones that he is closet to, dont know about the affair. Sooooooooooo...we find ourselves getting together with OW's sister and her fiance and now being invited to their wedding, which I hear will be a "small" wedding, meaning wont be a lot of other people for us to hang out with...and OW will be there....BLECH! So, because of this, I am feeling very insecure, and its nothing my H is doing, its just a lot of things bring back bad memories and then I seem to "dream up" bad things happening. Is this something you went through and how did you deal with it?
Hi, 2Much...yes, for sure, what you describe (feeling insecure, then dreaming up negative scenarios) is something I went through...heck, it's something I STILL go through at times though, thank goodness and knock wood, the negative feelings and worries are MUCH less prevalent than they used to be.
It feels a little hard to say how I handled it...I think it was a mixture of TIME (out of your control but moving along anyway), really being aggressive with myself using STOP THOSE THOUGHTS techniques, meditating (so I was much more likely to realize when I was leading myself astray), recognizing that an increase in those negative thoughts sometimes indicated I wasn't doing enough for myself AND, relinquishing control for h's fidelity. Wow. That sounds like a lot but most of it is minute, day-to-day stuff that doesn't actually feel overwhelming when you break it into chunks.
The thought stopping stuff is just diligence about breaking a bad habit...not easy when you're in the throes of telling yourself a sordid tale...but necessary if you're going to break away from it.
I have to also say that I purposefully avoided a few situations where it was clear that ow would be around...is it possible for you to not go to this wedding? What would h say to that?
I guess I'll add this...after 3 years the thoughts are still sometimes there...not necessarily about ow (though occasionally I'll think "I wonder if he still hears from her") but sometimes about ffs, etc, that h goes to school with, works with. It's scary sometimes to think "Is it possible that this could happen again?" and then I get wrapped around the axle fairly easily. What WORKS for me is two things -- acting "as if" which amazingly enough eventually helps me to REALLY feel a particular way sometimes AND reminding myself "I can only work on the things that are within my control. Ultimately, h's commitment to fidelity and our m is up to him." OTOH, that's scary stuff but OTOH, it's just fundamentally TRUE and somewhat of a relief. So much of my "negative fantasy" life revolves around my trying to control a situation that is out of my control (except in my HEAD!). Reminding myself to focus on what I can control helps a great deal.
I'm glad to hear that things are going so well with you. Hang in there...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Wow...thanks so much Sage...you gave me a lot of helpful tips! Its crazy to look back and see how far we have come and to even think back and say, "wow, did all that really happen to us?" which is a good thing as long as we dont forget all the things we learned along the way!!
You know..I could NOT go to this wedding, but then H would go w/out me..I think I would rather be there with him! Plus its New Years Eve and that is sort of a dating anniversary for us...6 years!! woohoo!! So..with that being said, I guess I will go to the wedding and just put on my best dress, best happy face, and "act as if"! Boy, it sure is easier to say all that than it will probably be to actually do! Again, thanks for the help! Take care of you and that little one!! ((((HUGS)))))
Quote: Ultimately, h's commitment to fidelity and our m is up to him." OTOH, that's scary stuff but OTOH, it's just fundamentally TRUE and somewhat of a relief. So much of my "negative fantasy" life revolves around my trying to control a situation that is out of my control (except in my HEAD!). Reminding myself to focus on what I can control helps a great deal.
This reminds me of a lesson I learned a long time ago, which still rings true.
Trust, much like love, is often a choice we make. I know that I make a conscious decision every day to trust others, even and especially SO. And that choice is often shown through actions, acting "as if".
Total sidebar: it just struck me how all those positive feelings of love, trust, forgiveness, etc., are choices. How any times do we consciously choose to be angry, to hate, to be annoyed? Pretty rarely. These are usually reactions. Training ourselves to react differently in situations is also a choice. All part of the wonderful world of DBing!
I think we choose to be angry about things too. We just do it so quickly that we don't realize that we are making a decision -- it just happens.
I came to learn this both through DBing and through another book I've referenced on my threads, "Feeling Good" by Burns. It's good stuff and I still point to that as a pivital piece in my own growth/progress.
What wonderful news about your baby. Congratulations. You'll be a great and wise mom. The DBing works as well on kids, and you're an expert with lots of experience. I'm sure you and H will wrap your baby in your cocoon of love.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Just a quick update aka "Sage is procrastinating on doing some writing for work!"
Eyes, your "cocoon of love" reference made me It's something that still gets said here frequently . The other day h told me "I love her already" about the baby which was just about the sweetest thing I've heard him say.
Things here are good -- certainly more mellow than a few weeks ago when I was feeling very much out of sorts. I think that one major difference is that we started spending more time together again...lowkey stuff like sitting together and watching football instead of my running around like a maniac on the weekends like I had been. Also, h asked if there was anything he could do to help out and I used it as an opportunity to say "It would be great if you could do a chore the FIRST time you think of it instead of telling yourself you'll do it later". That seems to have really helped the feeling that if I WAIT long enough for h to do something, it'll get done but in the meantime I'll be going crazy...
Physically I'm feeling really good -- no more morning sickness, thank goodness, and my energy is good. The only thing that has been bumming me out a lot is allergies. Apparently, some women get heighted allergies during preganancy and I am certainly one of them! For a while I was sneezing my head off every day and just feeling miserable. I was taking Benadryl (ok'd by dr) and while it was helping, it just wasn't making me feel good about taking it. I started doing some more natural remedies last week which have really helped...yesterday was my first bad day in 6 days and today was the first day I took a pill in a week. Whew! Fingers crossed that things continue to get better.
I'm 5 months down, 4 to go. I'm big enough that if you knew me before you'd know I was definitely pregnant but not so big that it's a slam dunk if you just met me.
I know I told you guys it's a girl -- we decided on a name "Charlotte Grace". Makes her seem even more "here"!
h is super busy with work and school. He's finishing his second to last semester. Hard to believe that in May 2006 he'll be graduating with his month old daughter in the audience! He's doing great managing the stress and not letting it spill all over us...something I'm just not as good at as he is.
My work is going well...after a bumpy disclosure they're being much better about my impending maternity leave. I have definitely settled in and am enjoying the work and the people very much (well, except when I have an article to write on a Sunday!).
I don't miss school AT ALL which isn't that surprising, I suppose...next class I take will be piano or pastry making or stained glass or something of the ilk.
OK, enough procrastination...I have promised myself that I will be re-reading DR in the new year (early in it!!!). I'm still applying the principles every day but a refresher sure wouldn't hurt
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Posting yesterday morning helped me to keep DB'ing in my mind all day. I miss posting and journaling and also knowing the sitchs of folks here. I'm not sure how to eke more time out for the BB but I do think I'm going to (selfishly) post on my own thread a bit more often.
I said that I kept DB'ing in my mind all day yesterday but it wasn't a great day mentally -- I had something to do for work, about 5 hours of work that I resented doing, and ended up feeling impatient with the world (and h) for most of the day and then being pissed at myself as a result. I don't think I overtly displayed my impatience but if I could have crawled into a hole and just been by myself, I would have.
Meanwhile, h had work to do that was FAR more important and challenging than mine AND he has an EXTREMELY stressful event today that is worrying him to no end and he showed not one hint of distance or impatience with me. I know, I know, he has his own foibles but taking his stress out on me isn't one of them -- I corner the market on that.
So, today the watchword is PATIENCE -- I'm going to look for ways to practice it. I'm sure my morning commute will provide many opportunities.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ola Sage - My second attempt here, had to abandon the first try as NG decided to pop by
I had something to do for work, about 5 hours of work that I resented doing, and ended up feeling impatient with the world (and h) for most of the day and then being pissed at myself as a result.
You have just described my travails of last week - that lousy feeling Times like these I wish to have NG's incredible ability to compartmentalize. Failing that, like you, I'm turning to dbing to help me re-set expectations at work, and to be more vigilant about 'me' time.
. The other day h told me "I love her already" about the baby which was just about the sweetest thing I've heard him say.
