SAge, when you get a chance, would yo pop by my thread and give me your thoughts? I'm casting around today, and I value your input. when to separate Thanks!
Congrats Sage!! I am so happy for you!!! I so want to be you right now!!!
So, I have a question...I have read all your posts from the beginning, but it was a long time ago. Before the affair, did you and your H talk about having kids? Did he want them? How did you decide to have them how and was it because you finally felt safe enough in your marriage that you could bring kids into the mix??
Reason I am asking is, when H and I first got married, we talked about kids, then when EA happened, H was adament about NOT having kids. Now, affair has been over for oaver a year, and we are moving along pretty well. I have brought up subject of kids a couple times (we had both been drinking both times) and H was still saying he didnt want them. Do you think its because he is still afraid of what could happen with us??
2much, you asked if h and I talked about having kids before the A...we had talked briefly about it here and there but it never felt like the right time...for a while we were just having a good time, then I got super involved in my career/school, then h got distant, then blah, blah, blah. I think we both wanted them, in the back of our minds, but also were both afraid of taking that big, giant step.
It's been a hard decision to "go for it" partly because of all of the fears I had had anyway and partly because of the issues h and I have had...I know that having a child will add wonder but also add stress and strain. But, after a lot of months of weighing it in my own mind, I finally started bringing it up now and then. I used my approach of giving h the head's up that I wanted to speak about something...and said "I'd like to talk about kids and whether or not we're going to go for it sometime in the near future." That usually resulted in a one or two line conversation until the NEXT time. Note that this was a giant lesson in patience because it was lots of time between conversations.
Now, I have the biological time clock factor -- I'm 39 and will be when the baby is born. So, about 8 months ago I said to h "I'd like to talk about whether or not we're going to have kids...and I think we need to do it fairly soon. I'm not saying we need to have them or not but I'd like to know which way we're going to go and at 38, I feel like I'm running out of time. I may be ok if we decide not to but I don't want to end up defaulting with 'no' because we ran out of time".
I mentioned this a couple of times and h and I talked on occasion about some issues that he had about the whole thing (totally unrelated to me or our m). Then, one day about 6 months ago he said "I think we should go for it"...so we did . Turns out this 39 year old is more fertile than I imagined (acupuncture for the last year has probably helped that).
Have you asked h what his concerns are? Care to share what the conversations are like?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Have you asked h what his concerns are? Care to share what the conversations are like?
Well, in the past year, I have only brought it up 2x and they have both been when we have been drinking, and its kind of hazy what was all said. I know that I am afraid to talk to him about it, obviously why I bring it up after I have been drinking.
I am not exactly sure what H concerns are. I remember before the affair, when we talked about it, I had mentioned that I was afraid that it might be hard for me to get pregnant..not sure why, I just mentioned it. Then at the time, we both knew someone who had miscarried. Well, I think I worried H by saying, "I dont know how I could handle it if that would happen to me" I think that scared him. I think that if it would be hard for me to get pregnant or something happened, he thinks I would become a "mental case" Honestly, back then, I might have, but after all that I have gone through in the past 2 years and how close I have come to God, I think I would be able to handle if somemthing happened or DIDNT happen much better.
I like how you brought up the subject...sounds like a good way for me to go about it also. For one, it takes the pressure off him if he is really not wanting kids by saying,
Quote: I'd like to talk about whether or not we're going to have kids...
and also the biological clock factor too..I just turned 33..so I am getting up there!
I just never know when the right time is..but it sounds like your H is like mine. If I want to talk about something or want to plan something, I have to bring it up little bits at a time, until H is ready to talk about it. Its like it gives him time to think about what he really wants or what he wants to do.
Congrats on your new addition to your family. You will be a wonderful mother.
You commented on my thread several weeks (may have even been months) ago, I have tried to read all of your old threads. I read through as far as when things started turning around. I, too, have a new job and have limited amount of time. In fact, I should be mowing the lawn right now.
If you have a chance take a look at my thread. I didn't know that you still had an active thread until now. Take care and thanks.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Lady Sage - I'm sorry for being late to the party but
Quote: Yes, 'tis true, in April 2006 we'll be welcoming a new member to the DB team! I'm finally passed the morning sickness stage and am feeling loads better (whew!). Next week I tell the new job! eek!
I'm so pleased for you - its such a wonderful new event to focus on!
I have to admit something here. Girl, I'm only 5 years older than you, and I could never imagine in a million years having a kindergartner right now! My hat's off to you!
Of course, there are a lot of people who can't believe I'm a Nana now, x2, so <shrug> a lot of life is all about the timing, eh?
Blessed pregnancy to ya! Experiencing any morning sickeness yet?
. Turns out this 39 year old is more fertile than I imagined 
