Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Mixed Signals

HP, I don't even know how warm it is out today. I am in my "cave" (that's what MrsGGB calls my office), pretending to do work. I actually do have quite a bit to do, but am having a very hard time keeping my mind on it today after the last two nights.

MrsGGB had a prescription for Migraines when I first met her, but she didn't like it because they made her go to sleep, and didn't seem to do much of anything for the headache. She's never taken anything but water and tylenol for them since. One of her sisters used to get them too.

Have a day at the beach! Don't forget to soak up all the looks from those hardbodied guys oogling you too, then bring that energy home and unleash it on H

HP, a couple of my friends get migraines, and when they feel one coming on, they take 2 or 3 Vitamin E capsules. Sometimes that seems to stop the headache in its tracks.

Thanks Cally.

However the response I would actually get is, "Why are you like that?" And "People can SEE!!!!!!".

Not that I hadn't pondered that option.

Scott
-Who is probably a closet nudist.

MrsNOP,
I wanted to let you know that I had an experience last night in which I finally GOT what you have been telling me (and the rest of us).

I came to bed and MrH was exhausted. In the few minutes it took me to remove my contacts, etc, he was in a sound sleep. He rallied a bit when I arrived but I could tell he was tuckered out. So I kissed him good night and began to read. He was mumbling a little, trying to spend time with me, and I responded to something he said with "I was hoping you'd want to fool around tonight!"
He immediately brightened and said, I'm up for that!

In that moment, I felt such intense love for him. I knew that he didn't want sex at all, rather he was doing this out of pure love. I don't know how to explain it except to say that I GOT IT. I felt it.

Prior to this, I know that he's ML many times without wanting to, but it never felt loving. It felt nice but it was missing that element of self sacrifice or good will or something, I don't know.
Perhaps it was the way he lit up. Perhaps it was his high wattage smile as he said it.

I would liken it to how he must have felt when I went from begrudgingly doing the dishes, to doing the dishes when asked, to doing them but acting put out, to doing them before asked and with a smile.

At any rate, we did not ML, as he just looked too comfy. I told him to go ahead and succumb to the sleep that was calling him and he (to my surprise!) said, Wake me when you are done reading..
I told him, yeah right..I'll try, LOL.

It was so nice to see in his eyes and his face that he loves me enough to do this.

Friday night I was a bit of a basket case...feeling very insecure and frumpy. I fought with myself and was struggling to keep my composure..I wanted so bad to infect him with my mood and shamelessly go for reassurance. But I didn't. The most I did was to ask him, How do you show your love to me? I know that you love me and I know you must do many things to show that to me, but I need to know what they are so that I recognize them as such.

See, when a person's love language is acts of service the line between "I'm doing chores" and "I'm showing my love" is easily blurred. After all, the floors have to be dustbusted whether or not he's married to me. So I was thinking that I must be missing what he is doing to show love. He replied, Hmmm...well, I guess I do it by giving my time. For instance, if you say you are going to go to the grocery store, I will suggest that we all go and try to make a family outing of it, with going out to eat and stuff.
I brightened up. Oh okay, I know what you're talking about.

It is hard sometimes with him, to tell what he is doing that is for me. It is obvious what he does for God, and the kids, but with me it's very hard to tell. It helps me to know what to look for, that way I don't feel so left out.

And just me asking that question got his wheels spinning. Even after all this time, he is still surprised to realize, Hey yeah I guess I do have to DO things to show her..not just love her silently and hope she knows.

So I have his time and last night, I had his killer smile and sweet attitude. Now that is a winning combo, sex or no!

H.

HP,

Awesome! I learn so much from your posts. My H has so many behaviors to demonstrate his "love" that are like your H's and I just don't recognize them that way. I have to stop to actually remind myself that when H stays up until midnight finishing the last laundry that went in he doesn't do it to ignore me, to keep busy or because he wants to be up late. He does it so I don't wind up having to.

I also think I missed my "cue" last night. H was rubbing my back when we got into bed and said something about why I had on pj's when it is summer. My brain was on some other planet. I think I was supposed to have my "H communicator on to unscramble the H-eze." What that really probaly meant was "get naked." I think I'll forget the pj's tonight and see what happens.

How often do we miss our cues? How often do we just not "get it?"

Karen

Karen,
Your last post has me laughing so hard. Descramblers and H-eze. Oh man, is that the truth or what.

You know..I used to feel like I missed a lot of his cues. I have now started saying the following line: What do you mean by that?
I have repeated these words so many times you'd think he'd be getting sick of them, but he doesn't seem to mind.

And fwiw, most of the time he is hinting at what I thought he was! I am just at the point where I don't want to guess anymore. Even if the moment is past, I will still ask so that in the future, I know what's going on. It's awkward but I hate the thought of HIM thinking that he's sticking his neck out and I'm oblivious.
He has always said, I need you to help me....

So that is how I help him. With being direct. This spills over into all areas of his life, how about your H?
Mine has a terrible time being direct and will beat around the bush and then get irritated with people when they don't do what he wants. I say, H they don't know what you're driving at...I do because I'm your wife, they don't get what you're saying.

Eye contact really helps me descramble. He will get this earnest look on his face when he wants me to "read between the lines". It is hard, though, at bedtime in the dark. Then my descrambler seems to go on the fritz. LOL

Thanks for the laugh; you pegged my life experience with that one!

Lots of stuff going on here. Some good, some really good, some neutral.

First the good. For the last week or so, MrHP has been really good about initiating, even if he's not feeling particularly horny. I recognize this as an act of love. I appreciate it. I feel heard and validated.

Now, the neutral. All of our sexual encounters of late have been of the "just doing it" variety. I cannot remember the last time he STARTED OUT horny for me, instead of thinking, Gee I'd better have sex with her tonight...
The end result is the same--we enjoy each other. But the afterglow and the dayafterglow is lessened considerably, knowing that I basically talked him into it, or worse, threatened him into it with the idea of my disappointment spurring him on to do something to avoid that.

Now the really good.
I finally broke down and told him one night that there are days when I am SO down because I feel ineffective as a woman. I simply do not turn his crank anymore. His desire for me is more "love" based. As a woman, this kills me. It wasn't that long ago when he was all over me--back when he thought he was losing me and then "regained" me.
We were talking and he said, Oh so I guess you want me to be all teenager-ish and goofy over ya.
HP: (sofly) What you did back then never felt goofy to me. It seemed very genuine.
MrHP: No no...it was genuine. I did feel that way. I guess you're right. My desire for you has changed.
HP: Yes I know it has. I just needed to hear you say it, so that I don't feel like I'm "imagining" things.
MrHP: I DO desire you, though.
HP: Yes I know you do, but I need to see signs of it--not just have blind faith that it's there.
MrHP: Like what?
HP: Grabs, touches...things that let me know that you're thinking about it.
MrHP: Well, I grab your ass every single day--isn't that enough?
HP: (incredulous) What!
MrHP: Yes when I give you hugs, I always let my hands wander down.
HP: H, how come I don't notice this? Are you SURE you do that?
MrHP: Yes I do it every day when I get home. Usually you are making supper and maybe you are just distracted..?
HP: (thinking that he's overestimating how often he does this, if at all, but totally up for the idea that she could have been missing signs every day) Oh my goodness, are you telling me I've been missing your signals every day??
MrHP: I guess so!
HP: I'm so sorry. If you've been showing your desire and I fail to see it because I'm expecting something aggressive and over the top, well, that isn't fair. I will be sure to look for it from now on.

(commence ML)

Last night was neither good, bad or indifferent. H initiated in a really weird way, just like he had the night before. Just announced it with no signs of desire, but not really hostile either.
In fact, last night I had a helluva time, for the first time in our marriage, getting him physically aroused. MrH normally gets aroused in a matter of seconds. This took at least 5 minutes, maybe more, of direct stimulation. I knew it was his mind getting in the way but aint nothing I can do about that. I just acted as if this was the best thing since sliced bread and he eventually got into it, but the whole thing felt weird and off.

I cannot remember the last time he initiated because he was undeniably horny. It's been a while. At first, I chalked it up to his job loss but now I don't know.

So lots of good things, some not so good, but we are steadily moving onward and upwards.

We want it to be so natural and normal and mutual. Is it asking too much? I don't know. Do you think if you push for quantity, you lose a little in quality? Just a question.

Aaaahhh Buttercup. If they had that class Honey and I would have long since hog tied our husbands in the classroom for that one. Hang in there. Why don't you start a thread on this forum?? I had boyfriends when I was younger who were much more HD. Longing for that is normal but hanging on to it too much isn't good.

HP,

Yeah. I've had a couple of encounters like you described with H. It is a little disconcerting unless you take the attitude of "Hey, I want sex, I'm a sexy broad and I know I can get you aroused big boy." Still, a little disconcerting.

Karen