By stopping the negative thoughts that lead to those feelings, and replacing them with positive thoughts and actions. Dwelling in the past has the past dwelling in you.
Feelings follow thoughts. If you dwell on the events of the past, as they are associated with hurt and pain, you'll dredge up those feelings of hurt and pain. Because those feelings are painful, you get angry, you cry, you vent. Let the past go.
Focus on the now. Now is the only reality you have. The past is done and can't be changed, the future is unknown and yet to be written. You have positives happening now: H wants to work on the relationship, the A is over and done with. You have good prospects now. Things have changed from before. What are the loveable things about him you can focus on? This is a day by day process. Think on those positive things. They bring positive feelings.
Perhaps you need more reassurance from H. What are things he can say and do that would make you feel more reassured? What are the things he can do to make you feel loved?
Read the After The Affair book I suggested, it has some exercises in it that may help. A MC can help. Reach out and grab a hold of that kind of professional help, it's worth it. Ultimately, it's the work and effort you two put into rebuilding that counts. The more you practice these things, the more positive periods you will have, the longer each positive period will last, until you are usually always feeling positive, instead of the other way around.
Thanks. I know this sounds stupid, but I'm not sure all "this hard work" is worth it. After all, I have very little invested in this marriage. No kids, really no time, and I'm very capable of taking care of myself so I don't need his financial support.
I know I sound like I'm very confused and I guess it's because I am. One minute I want to work things out, the next minute, I can't stand the thought of being with him. Normal I'm sure, but H is putting so much pressure on me to make a decision and I just can't.
Normal I'm sure, but H is putting so much pressure on me to make a decision and I just can't.
Normal it is, it's part of the rollercoaster ride. But the fact that you can't make a decision shows that you don't really want out.
H doesn't want to make a decision either, which is why he wants you to make it for him. Don't. He has to make his own decision.
You have to change the dynamics between you two. I get the sense that you bring up things stating them in a way that puts him on the defensive. Change the way you two talk about these things. Try to se his viewpoint. It doesn't mean you condone his viewpoint nor agree with it, just walk in his shoes along with him, and he must do the same with you. Understanding each other is important to successful communication.
I'm not sure all "this hard work" is worth it.
That sense may be coming from your feelings, see if it is. Feelings change, which is why I advise not acting on them. Hard work, yes, but it may be very worthwhile and create a stronger bond and happier relationship. If you both do the work and nothing comes of it, at least you know you did try. And in your next relationship, if this one doesn't work out, the things you'll learn will serve you well.
Hey Gwyne, my advice is keeping talking with NYS he is a very wise man and has been through the ups & downs himself, he seems have an ability to read through what you right as in reading between the lines and get to what you are really thinking I am sure you will find him a great sounding board and he will make you look at yourself and the R. Keep going NYS this is someone i think that will benefit greatly from you. On my side can you try and imagine your life without your H, if so how does that make you feel. If you can't imagine having nothing to do with him then you need to work out how to get past this. The sitting down and being honest for an hour a week is a great place to start. I am sure if you start showing H that you are trying to work through this he will be a willing partner from what you have said. Good luck it's never easy.......KDU
Thanks for the advise. My problem is my H won't allow me to talk about the A at all!!! I try and try to search deep into my soul and ask the hard questions such as "do I love him enough and do the hard work?" "Do I want to disrespect myself and stay with him?" "Don't I deserve better?" "Will I be better off without him since he reminds me daily of the pain he caused me?" I can't answer these questions without go back and forth. One minute, I say heck no, I don't want to put anything into this marriage. He made a choice to disolve the M when he decided to cheat. I do deserve better. If I met him today, I would run from him. The next minute I'm very much in favor of working things out with him. Things in our marriage must change and the change scares my H. He is a very private person and he hates sharing information with me (i.e. finances, passwords, etc.). He finds it to a total invasion of privacy, but for now he's willing and I guess that is a step in the right direction. H seems very depressed lately because our lives are on hold and he hates being in limbo. He doesn't care which way the road leads, he just wants us to move on. I think the healthier marriages are the ones that are accountable to each other but he thinks I'm treating him like a child and he hates me checking up on him. I'm can say truthfully that I have battered him verbally about his A but I think the worst is behind us. Now I think I can discuss the A more rationally but the problem is now he won't discuss it at all. He says we've talked about it enough and we need to leave the past behind us and move on. I'm sure that is a good way to look at it but I can't seem to let it go. I'm working on it and I think for the last few days I've been better but now my H seems to be the angry, doom and gloom person and now I feel that I'm the blame for all of this so now I've shifted the responsibility to me and now I find myself trying harder than him and my goodness, I wasn't the one who cheated. I try to encourage him but he keeps making statements like we're just putting off the D because in the end, we know that's what is going to happen. He further says that he doesn't want the M to continue if "I" can't get over this. So now all the responsibility is on me and I can't make that decision. I keep searching for guidance from God and I want to be patient because the decision is bigger than me and I don't want to disappoint God. There is a lot of damage in our M and I'm not sure that it can be repaired, but so far neither of us have given up so I stay the course. I just don't know how long my H will give me to make the decision before he tires of it and makes it for me.
KDU, Appreciate your kind comments, they're way too complimentary.
My problem is my H won't allow me to talk about the A at all!!!
And you still have a need to talk about it, right? He's gotta understand that.
"Do I want to disrespect myself and stay with him?" "Don't I deserve better?" "Will I be better off without him since he reminds me daily of the pain he caused me?"
When you look at these types of questions, the category they fall under is "righteous indignation", and thinking on those lines is not going to help you move forward, but will sabotage your efforts at reconciling.
It is NOT disrespecting yourself to stay with him. You are staying with him to attempt a noble work, that of restoring the health of your relationship. The only reason you would think this thought is because you are still equating him with his act of betrayal, in other words, you are carrying forward the resentment into today's situation. Dwelling in the past.
And he's not the one that reminds you of your pain. You're reminding you of your pain, he's the trigger. Why can't he remind you of all the good things? It's your choice to decide what he will remind you of.
Really, if you don't get yourselves to a marriage counselor and get some help, not just advice from this forum, they way you're going, you will end up divorced. And you won't be any happier when that happens. You have an opportunity right now to restore your marriage, and you're not seizing it, you're letting it slip through your fingers and killing it. It will be too late when you realize the chance you had.
I must agree, you are very wise. Thanks. I'm looking forward to your advise!
I am in counseling but I've steered the Counselor in other ways such as getting in control of my anger. I think I'm beyond that so now I think the real work can start.
I liked your comment that I'm not disrespecting myself, I'm actually doing a noble work - that makes perfect sense and gives me encouragement. Are you a paid counselor? If not, you should be!
I do hold resentment and I'll be the first to admit it because I did not deserve this! We were newlyweds, happily married, even my H will attest to that! Our M was great!! That is whay I cannot understand! The OW didn't mean anything to him, she was helpless, unsophisticated, trashy, sorry, I hate labeling, but I don't know how else to describe her. He felt sorry for her and was there for her. It's unbelievable to me.
I do need to let this go otherwise our M is doomed! I attended a course last night about "forgiving" it was intense and I've made a public prayer to God that I have forgiven H and the OW and I hold fast to that. Now, I believe I can move beyond the pain and start healing and now I think my counselor can help.
I believe it is your opinion, that our M is worth saving. I believe it is too. I have to ask, physically, I cannot be with him. Does that feeling eventually go away?
I do hold resentment and I'll be the first to admit it because I did not deserve this!
Of course you didn't. But life isn't fair, it turns out.
We were newlyweds, happily married, even my H will attest to that! Our M was great!! That is whay I cannot understand!
It's difficult to understand because it has nothing to do with logic. It's something like this: Your H was vulnerable, and in his contact with what's-her-name, discussing emotional issues with her, a bond developed... that affects brain chemicals of attraction and infatuation and being vulnerable, he didn't stop it. It was pleasurable and he sought more of it. He's 100% responsible for that choice... but hey, that's in the past, he came out of it... now you've got something we all want, a remorseful ex-WAS wanting to work on the relationship. Not getting back into a situation like that is part of what you two will work on.
Thanks again, NY. You do have some wonderful advise.
I try to imagine me with my H and it frightens me. I really put a lot into this marriage and I'm heart broken. Can this M be saved, yes it can! My H sure wants it to but because I don't feel he is worthy of my love and trust, I won't let him try. I really believe I've finished with the anger and I have made a commitment that I have forgiven H. Now I'm ready to try and make a go of the M. I can't say that it will work because I'm not the run-of-the-mill type of person. I don't get over things easily so I'm a little scared that I will fail and I don't like to fail -- if I feel that I may not be successful in something, I usually don't engage.
My R with my H is a little better today than yesterday, and I hold on to each hour. It usually works like this for me. During working hours, I want to make the M work, as soon as we're together and having fun, I want out of the M. Is that normal also?
I try to imagine me with my H and it frightens me... I don't get over things easily so I'm a little scared that I will fail if I feel that I may not be successful in something, I usually don't engage.
Is that a manifestaton of 'fear of the future'? We imagine scenarios that scare us, fear of the unknown. It's our minds playing tricks on us. The future is unwritten and can go many ways, not the ways our scary imaginations tell us.
During working hours, I want to make the M work, as soon as we're together and having fun, I want out of the M. Is that normal also?
For you it's normal.
Sounds a bit like a distance/pursuer thing. Like a seesaw. When things are distant, you want them, when they're close, you back off. Don't back off, and thus change the dynamic. Keep close to you those reasons that make you feel like working on the relationship.
When is your first counseling session as a couple? Are you getting a copy of "After The Affair"?
