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Help, please. I feel as though I've tried everything and so has my husband but I cannot overcome his affair. I want to try and make our marriage work, but alas, the truth is, I don't think I can. My H and I talked this morning and I told him to talk to me like his best friend, if I came to you as my best friend and asked what they would do if they loved their husband very much but was having trouble getting beyond the affair, what advise would he give? He said that he would advise his best friend to leave the marriage. It will never be good and that I would be setting myself up for years of misery. Honestly my friends out there, I don't think I'm going to be able to move beyond this. We are in MC, going to church, praying together, etc. but I still cannot put this behind me. I guess I'm one of those persons who will not be stronge enough to let it go. I just cannot stomach this. Please help me. Please give me words of wisdom on what to do. I know ultimately it has got to be my decision, but I'm getting to a point of what's the use? I cannot do this and I'm holding on to this M only because the alternative is to be lonely and that is something I'm not looking forward to, but to stay with my H pretty much disgusts me. PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Gwyn...I am not knowledgable to your whole sitch..but I can relate. Maybe if you hear of my own sitch from years ago than maybe it will help.

When my H and I were first together..many years ago..16 to be exact..we were engaged then too. He had an affair with a married woman whom was depressed and I believe now..going through MLC. It devostated me...I went nuts..I couldn't do anything..I found out by her while working. She called my job to speak to me and dropped the bomb. I went nuts. I had my boss come in from home so I could leave. I was an emotional wreck. I didn't stop thinking about it..the whys..the whens...the wheres. I drove him nuts constantly talking about it. It hurt us and our relationship more to rehash over and over. It kept the pain and betrayal alive and didn't let our love come through. Of course our engagemnet was off per my request. I thought how can I marry a man knowing he could do this to us even before the marriage? We seperated..we weren't living together at that time and I tried everyday to focus on myself. with time it got much easier. I learned to just do one thing at a time and it had to be for myself first. No one else..not even him. I got my life back. And wouldn't you know...he came running back. It took alot of work and alot of sleepless nights crying by myself...yes I can relate....but those things didn't help..I realized that I can control how hurt I get from his bad behaviors. I can either let it succomb me and take away all my dreams and love for this man...or I can control it..and let my dreams and love for this man take me away.

We are still together...have been married for 8 years now..2B 3&6. He is now in the throws of MLC and I am at the same cross roads again. Onlt this time I have the knowledge..and knowledge is power. I tend to succeed. I think you have it in you...it's just masked by your hurt and shock of the betrayal. But look at why you love your H...what brought that love to you in the first place...you can have that and more!! Take it one day..today say I will love myself first...if not a day than do one hour at a time..whatever to get you through. Know you have company here...but leave the misery behind to find your love infront! Take care and GOD bless!!

Gwyn, I don't know if I've posted to you before, but follow your thread some...
I know that you are a person of faith, so I'm wondering if you have found www.rejoiceministries.org It is run by a couple, Bob and Charlene Steinkamp, who have put their marriage backtogether after his actually leaving home after an affair...both of them write a lot about the prodigals returning home and the role of the spouse, and they offer scriptural support...
I have found some of their materials and information helpful, there is a daily inspirational message you can sign up for that can be helpful.

Another Christian website I found helpful is (I believe, havent been there for awhile)www.restoreministries.org

have you considered speaking with your physician about antidepressants to help you get over the "hump" to be able to think more clearly about this if you feel your depression is worsening your situation?

Thanks for responding. I've been on 3 different antidepressents, all of which caused me so many side effects, that I had to get off of them.

I just got off the telephone with my H and told him that I was filing for a legal separation. I cannot stand being with him and this is not healthy for either of us. I've given up. I'm sorry that I've disappointed everyone who has tried to help me through this, but I cannot find any peace with him. I've tried to do the "stop" sign technique, I've prayed, I'm in Christian MC and none of it is helping me. I feel like I've done everything but I can't get over this betrayal so it's over for me! I cannot continue to live this way. I'm crying right now so forgive me, but I have to leave this marriage because IMHO it's beyond repair. Not that I don't think God can heal and restore, but I don't think this is where he wants me right now. I believe He has much more in store for me. There are so many issues that I've not been able to get into on this message board because it is so long, but to try and cut to the chase, my H used church as his tool for his affair. He mocked everything that I hold dear with God. He actually felt that he had something to do with the huzzy's salvation. She got baptized in our church and I asked my husband then if he was still talking to her and he said NO. Right there in God's house. I'm so hurt and I have to get away from him. I just pray that God will grant me the peace that I so desire.

I cannot continue to live this way.

Then don't! It sounds like you need a lot of space and time right now. A separation will help you with that. Whether you feel it or not, is there any way you can present this to H as a middle step, instead of proof that you're done? Would you feel better if you looked at this as a breather, after which you'll re-evaluate what you want? You don't need the pressure right now of having to decide that it's completely over if you can avoid it.


I'm sorry that I've disappointed everyone who has tried to help me through this...

Who do you think you're disappointing? Everybody's trying to help you get what you want. You've wanted to let him back in. But if you can't and you decide you want something else, everyone will still be trying to help you.

Good luck! I hope you find a little peace today.

Thanks for your post. I know I'm flip-flopping all over the place but I think you're right. I need time and space and I think my H will go along with that but for how long is the question. He is growing very impatient and I'm sure he's not going to sit around while I re-evaluate. He'll be getting a life and that scares me. What if he finds someone else while I'm trying to figure all this out? Man, am I insecure or what? Need advise if he does start dating and doesn't want to work it out anymore.

Ditto the separation.

He is growing very impatient and I'm sure he's not going to sit around while I re-evaluate. He'll be getting a life and that scares me. What if he finds someone else while I'm trying to figure all this out? Man, am I insecure or what? Need advise if he does start dating and doesn't want to work it out anymore.

What if, what if, what if. You're seeking advice on things that haven't happened... whoa... back up! Let's deal with right now.

You're more concerned with what possibly may or may not happen than you are about doing something right now. I'm thinking that the underlying problem is that you really don't want to face issues head on and you've been avoiding it by getting yourself sidetracked with wherever your emotions may take you. By staying where you are, though it's tumultuous, you feel more comfortable or safe than you would if you actually did something to move forward?

Of course what do I really know, but that's just a hunch I get.

I left last night, read scriptures, talked to God and trying to find answers and peace. My H and I talked before I left and for now, he is in agreement for us to take a breather and will "do right by me." I feel some comfort in this. I know that I painfully hold the keys to our marriage and it is up to me IF we continue. Because I am overcome by emotions and frankly a lot of anger, I can't see things clearly so I'm hoping this separation will help. I know that I am venting with you all so bear with me but I am totally insulted, humiliated and ashamed of my H. The OW is so beneath him. Forgive me if I step on someone's toes, but trailer trash. To give up our beautiful marriage for someone who is so disgusting makes it all the worse for me to accept. Furthermore, the relationship that he had with her was very strong which is more insulting. I know, leave it, accept he made a huge mistake and he is truely remorseful so this is where I am. Trying to accept! I shared with my H last night that I respect him for the fact that he's told me everything and I am still hopeful that things will work for us but I need time and space. My H told me that me that I had no idea of his battles and I asked him to share but he said when the time is right, he will. I'm not sure what that is but for now I cannot worry about it. I have to work on me for awhile. Will the answers ever come? I don't feel as though time is on my side. As I've posted, my H is growing frustrated, weary and he won't stand here in limbo for very long. I'm truely under a lot of pressure to make a decision quickly or I chance losing the marriage for good. Any advise?

I've tried everything to overcome my H's affair. Counseling, prayer, change of thought process, reading the scriptures for inspiration and yet I still cannot overcome this so I'm of the opinion that I will never get over this and I believe it's time to let go. Man, I hope I'm not making a big mistage but I honestly can tell you the more I look at the man, not the affair, the man, I don't like what I see. I really don't believe I love him enough to stay and that I'm wishing for something that isn't there. Am I crazy?

Gwyn~
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you just found out about your H's affair in June right? That is not very long ago and doesn't seem long enough to give any of the techniques you've cited (thought stopping, prayer, etc) a chance to really work. You are not going to wake up and find total forgiveness in your heart two months after you find out your partner for life has betrayed you in the worst possible way. It's going to take time Gwyn!!! You're H may be growing impatient and you need to remind him that it's going to take a LONG time to work through this, but you cannot convey that to your H if you don't understand that yourself.
It seems you are sure that separation is what you need right now and it's good that you are listening to your inner voice; it's telling you how to take care of yourself.
What have you got going in your life that's good and right and that you can focus on to help take the focus of the A for a while? You need a break, every time you post I hear total desperation.

Heather