KDU, I just read your story and I have to hand it to you, you are doing so well. Makes me proud to be a fellow Aussie It is great when you see instances of DBing working. Not sure what you look like but when I read your post, I keep thinking of that cartoon: Kim Possible! (can you tell I need to GAL rather than watching toons on Sat morning)
Stay strong, that boy is going to come crawling back, it's only a matter of time
Kismet - Not up to date with my cartoons so cannot comment on the Kim Possible comment although I like the name. Shame I didn't hear that one before i became KDU. Where about in Aus are you???? Now BB and NYS glad you two have caught up on my thread I really think the pair of you could have some wonderful conversations as you both seem very well read and like minded.......Now give me some of your infinate wisdom. As you will have seen my H since the weekend has been making contact every day for petty reasons and said he doesnt want it to be that we are not friend, dont talk and dont spend time together. (This was OW's idea not his apparently) Anyhow I have committed the big sin he and I ML today.....I know I know anyhow looks like I have backslid.....As most would know OW seems to find out about these adventures but I am not answering her calls now so she will not be told by me. I am still not going to initiate contact with H and will continue to play it cool but he has said he doesn't want to hurt OW but still doesn't know what he wants and would prefer to just see what happens in the future with us and play each day as it comes. Now is this him having his cake and eating it too????I said i know he must be finding things difficult and that I do not want to cause any more problems for him so I am happy to take it day by day like I have been...... I just don't know if I am setting myself up for a fall. Yes I still love him, Could I forgive him???Time will tell. Would I let him come home if he asked???No not yet I would say that as much as I would love him to come home I believe we have to explore our R and understanding of each other first and then work on moving in(He hasn't asked this). NYS and BB I am asking as men what do you make of this behaviour is he leading me up the garden path or is he just confused?????Come on guys I need some opinions...KDU
KDU Glad someone is getting some action. From someone with DB L plates on, I think that if ML feels like the right thing, and you can do it without it doing your head in, go for it. A lot of men really need this to show they are loved, and he will realise what he is missing. I would not think of it as him having his cake and eating it to, as long as you are not too available IFKWIM. I think it is helping with your new relationship. Hey, now you are the OW
Kismet - I am in Melbourne.....Yeah I think I will just keep playing it day by day and keep doing my own thing and follow H's lead a bit but the next time I will knock him back just for the hell of it and because I can. By taking H's lead it will seem like a 180 as H normally followed y lead in most things (Mind you he was all on his own with the OW thing)Anyhow day by day for me at the moment...KDU
KDU...look at you! Hopefully NYS will weigh in here with a bit more caution than I'm about to display.
From one of your early posts:
Quote: In the end he said his feelings for her were too strong to deny and he couldn't give it a proper go with me until he knew what the future held for them.
Looks like the tide has turned a bit, eh? Now she's pressuring him to stay away from you and you're playing it cool. That's really pretty positive...can you bask in feeling good about that without raising your expectations too much? Because there'll probably be some backsliding on his part before it's all over. But if you can continue to show him you're the new you whether he's the man in your life or not, I can't think why he wouldn't continue to be attracted by that. Especially if Ow is putting pressure on his confused a55, while you're just being a helluva woman that some dude is going to be awfully lucky to be with some day.
As for ML, that's always dangerous because it's so emotional. If you can do it without damaging your self-esteem and mindset at all then it's probably helpful. But don't make it easy on him. Think of it like DR talks about invitations when you're coming out of LRT: accept some of them but not all of them. Figure out some good reasons right now why you wouldn't be available at his beck and call. But if you can handle it mentally and emotionally, have your way with him when you're in the mood!
As for forgiving him and letting him move back in, he's probably going to have to earn his way back. From the way you sound, I'd say you're looking for an opportunity to build your R back, not for him to just pop back into your life. One common thread I'm starting to see across this board is when the DBers get stronger and happier with themselves, they get a little wary of jeopardizing that by just letting a spouse, who may have all the problems they had to begin with, waltz back into their lives. Amazingly, very few if any seem to want to see their wayward spouse come back crawling. Most just want to see growth or a commitment to growth and change.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
BB thankyou so much for that advice and I appreciate hearing a males perspective on it so again thankyou. Now as for ML yes I believe I can keep it in perspective at the moment but you are right I will not always be available as a few knockbacks are healthy I think. It's sort of like when you first start dating isn't it you have to give the male the chase nothing can be too easy to get or it's not worth chasing......As for moving back in you have summed it up perfectly he will have to work at it b4 that ever happened as I wouldn't bother with our R unless we both made some changes and then together made some ground rules....Like once a week we will try to do this blah blah for sake of M. I totally agree with all you have said and if you have an opinion on anything from a males point of view bring it on and I am sure myself and many others will gladly give you a womans point of view should you ever require it......Look at this BB you have been around these boards for a short time but boy have you made an impact, your W must have been crazy to let someone so insightful get away but then maybe that was being hidden beneath the surface and has only just come out as I think it takes something like this for us all to truly become better people.....Thanks again BB....KDU
Quote: ...but then maybe that was being hidden beneath the surface and has only just come out as I think it takes something like this for us all to truly become better people
<sigh>So true, at least in my case. I didn't take the time to learn about how a lot of things work (parenting, relationships) because I was sure I knew what to do. Then life comes along and lets me know I wasn't so smart as I thought.
Nothing for it but to learn all I can and pray that at some point she'll become interested in seeing if new skills can lead to a healed family and a great relationship. But if not, I gotta remember I'm trying to build these skills for me, not her, so they'll be there if somebody else is next instead.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
BB - Very true. I myself think I have only just started to truly understand these tactics myself. I have made all the mistakes possible and watched my hard work go down the drain and H run back to OW everytime. Mind you he doesn't seem to be able to keep me at a distance for very long at all so I must take the positive from this and think at least there is something about me he is still drawn to. I have been reading lots of posts recently about Sex with the Estranged Spouse etc and I believe I am on the right track. I will ML when I feel like it as it is something we can share and it allows feelings to be expressed without words and who knows what can be built from there. I am not going to mention OW even if he does. Should he be speaking about problems with her then I will try hard to be neutral and validate him but should it just be trivial BS like he saw her last night or whatever I will be saying look I really don't want to know too much about your life with her unless you have a problem you wish to share....I am still going to do my own thing and not wait around for him and if he wants to see me and I have arrangements then he will have to reschedule......Do you think this is the right way to go?????? Now as for you I think your own self discovery is fantastic firstly for yourself and secondly for whoever shares your life with you in the future your wife or another. You do seem to be very understanding so if this was something that wasn't shown to W I am sure it will be something she notices with time. I think you and I may have similair personalities or at least whilst we were in our marriages and it seems we need to make similair changes here are some of mine see if they sound familair.
- Listen to what H says intently - Let him finish speaking and dont persume I know what he is going to say - Don't interupt - Don't nag or whinge - Don't try and get him to see if from my side - Say what I want quickly and to the point - Don't analyze everything - Don't smother him - Don't make him feel inferior or stupid - Be pleasant and friendly around him - Compliment him on good ideas - Thank him when he does anything for me or kids - Be understanding of his sitch - Be there for him without any pressure..... If I can truly stick to all these things then I am sure I will worry less which will benefit me and I have to stop thinking about things. I will say something to him and then spend the next 5 mins explaining why I have said what I have said and justify it over and over and ask does he understand or know where I am coming from over and over instead of just letting him tell me if he doesn't get it. He has allowed and expected me to do everything for him such as pay all bill, look after kids and pretty much for me to make all decisions. Even gets me to fill out any forms for him as he is not good at reading and writing. I have done all this for 12yrs and now I took over too much. So sometimes we may have all the right intentions but as it becomes habit we then somehow end up doing too much and are resented for it. So I also have to make him be independant as well.....Starting to waffle like he says so i will just go.....KDU
Hey Kim - Your changes sound really good. Think I should adapt to those changes myself! I think I talk and talk and talk and not hear what H says. Or that I do not want to see his point at all...
I think I should speak and respond slowly, so that it can be processed through my brain first. I think the problem is that sometimes I speak to quickly that things get said directly from the mouth, whereby the brain has no part in.
Yeah I know what you are saying. I have just reached a point where if I don't take this seriously he won't take us seriously. It's all well and good going 2 steps forward but taking 5 steps backward is going to become too much for H as all he will see is me changing and feeling good about it and then noticing it was all an act and then possibly resenting me more for it. So I need to be 100% focused and no backsliding. I am going to waffle on and on on my thread until I have go it right as then I am not waffling on to H. This time I have to make it work if there is any chance of him leaving OW so he needs to see I am the better choice and now that she is putting so many restrictions on him and checking up on him all the time that will make my job easier. I want to make these changes to make me a more pleasant person to be around for everyone and to try and start a whole new R with my H. I feel I can only become a better person from it whatever the outcome. Funny how it takes some of us a while to actually work this stuff out....
It is great when you see instances of DBing working. 
today.....I know I know anyhow looks like I have backslid.....As most would know OW seems to find out about these adventures but I am not answering her calls now so she will not be told by me. I am still not going to initiate contact with H and will continue to play it cool but he has said he doesn't want to hurt OW but still doesn't know what he wants and would prefer to just see what happens in the future with us and play each day as it comes. Now is this him having his cake and eating it too????I said i know he must be finding things difficult and that I do not want to cause any more problems for him so I am happy to take it day by day like I have been......