BQT1 - My goodness you poor thing. I don't know that I can offer very much advice. Part of me would be happy that he was home again but the OW would be hard to take. We don't want to be used do we just for him as he has nowhere else to go. Is he sharing your bed or is he in another room? Did you get much say in him coming home or did he just decide it? He had mentioned wanting to work on M but does he really. I don't know maybe you could sit down and have a nice chat and say something like look I realise you are very confused at the moment and I must admit I am too. I don't want you to have any pressure as you obviously need some time to sort out your own head and where you stand with things so I just want a bit of a guide as to how long you think you may be staying here blah blah. No pressure just try to make it that you want to help him but also need to know for yourself. If he is going to stay there maybe he can babysit certain nights and you the same....I don't know it's hard just trying to be supportive and applying DB skills and not letting your emotions take over is a hard balance to find. Really think about it from all angles and all consequences. good luck
Things are still weird. H has been sleeping in the same bed as me but last night when I went to bed he was on the computer for awhile and when I woke up at 145a with Hannah H was sleeping on the couch. I feel like he is distancing himself from me....I feel like I have a disease sometimes. When he gave me a peck good night he barely puckered his lips. When I said before that I wanted him to come home I didn't mean like this. I want to be loved and feel it...he is still so secret with his phone...standoffish...selfish...I dont know whats going on. Should I talk to him or just let it ride?
BGT1 - That is advice a wiser Dber needs to give you not me as I have not been in that sitch. As to what I think I would do gosh I don't know part of me would want him there thinking he may decide to stay and part of me especially if he was being distant would think it was too hard to bite my tongue over how I was feeling which you would have to do. I really don't know I guess if I was honest I would probably say to him hey you - you don't seem very happy at the moment is there something I can help you with? If he said I am not happy with my life then validate and say no I am sure this is not what you expected and go in that vain but as to a solution I really don't know. Come on NYS or Anna someone must have some good advice. BQT1 I am just letting you know that you are not alone in trying to decide what to do and that I understand how difficult it must be for you but don't allow this sitch to make you miserable it is not good for you and you is what matters at the moment....KDU
I dont know what happened last night. H phone was blinking and I said something to him about it like "Your phone is blinking." This started world War III. At first it was calm and he said that she calls hm and texts him...then he admitted to talking and responding and still telling her that he loves her. H told me that he hates being home and that he feels forced to be there and he tells OW that too! Somehow this ended up leading into a physical brawl with us...he hates getting caught. THen he tells me how fat I am...the sad thing is that I am so worried about Hannah...she was screaming crying. I have a huge bump on my forehead I am so sore and I have some brusing on my arm. Now H says that I shouldnt have started anything. He says its my fault...maybe it is. I am just sick of being lied to. He packed up things and I am sure off to OW house. He said that he hates me and that he wishes that I would drive off a cliff. He said that he wants custody of Hannah and alimony from me. I cant sleep all night long...I look awful today. I apologized to him for everything and he says that he hates me more than anything in the world. We will never have anything again. I am starting to think that I am crazy...because after all of this I still love him...I just want to be loved!
That's not good, that's way abusive, and I'm sorry to hear about it. Him hitting you is not your fault, though. What is he, like a trapped wild animal? Lashes out when he feels caught? Don't listen to his threats. They're just words meant to intimidate or vent or hurt. He seeks to blame others for his feelings and behaviors. He'll eventually do the same with the OW. Hugs to you, BQT.
We all wish to be loved. You will be loved again, someday soon. Look at this period in your life as temporary, an in-between relationships time, and try not to let that longing bother you right now.
Sorry to hear how bad things got for you last night. What I would suggest for you is to have no contact with H whatsoever. I know you still love him and would do anything to get your M back on track. Right now it sounds as though things are getting way out of hand with H being physically and emotionally abusive with you. You don't need to take that sh!t, no one does. Don't let his threats of taking Hannah and asking for alimony get to you. He's just trying to beat youn down emotionally because he knows Hannah means everything to you. Let him go, and if he's with OW so be it. You have nothing to apologize to your H. He's the one that chose to sleep with another OW, not you. He's just trying to make what he is doing justifiable and making you the one at fault for a bad M. Don't listen to that BS. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I care what happens to you. Your H is being a total a@@hole and dick right now.
Take care of yourself right now. Is there a friend or relative that can come over and be with you in case H tries to come back home? Don't let him back in. -KDK
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
He must leave immediately. You must take photos of the damage he has done to you, and call some abuse hotlines to decide whether you want to press charges.
He must never enter your home again unless he gets serious, long-term anger management. If it is too difficult to keep him out, then you have to take the major, but worthwhile risk of leaving yourself. Find a friend or family member to take you in.
You must get individual counselling. Hearing you blame yourself and still want him after this made my blood run cold and I got trembly with fear. You need to find out why you would tolerate this and learn how to pump yourself up to the point that you would never again allow this to happen.
I have often thought that your H was emotionally abusive to you. This has made your situation much more clearcut. Your marriage must end, for Hannah's sake, if you do not feel enough self-worth to do it for yourself.
You CAN do this.
I speak from experience. A lifetime ago I was a teenage girl with a very cruel and violent boyfriend. It was horrible and I argued that he was misunderstood and I drove him to it and that if I just gave him enough love he would change. It was only with an army of support that I left him behind. Now I look back at that strange, sad girl I was with pity, but have absolutely no fear or inclination to set foot near a man like that.
PLEASE... You must dig deep and make some tough decisions.
I have to agree with Anna...and sadly myself follow's Anna'a advice ( I always try to rationalize H's anger ). My H has never hit me...but at the beginning of our R ( 6 yrs ago ) it looked like he wanted to once. I said ' go for it and watch me leave your sorry @ss! ". Maybe that comment stuck with him b/c he has never attempted to hit me...just breaks things when he's angry. But from reading H's old journal he had been physically abusive with former girlfriends.
Right now I know H has anger issues, but I've still been DBing. But if he actually did cross the line with me and hit me...DBing would be 100000000000% over. Nevermind if he did it with a child present ( I really hope Hannah wasn't watching this ).
I'm sure your H, after a few days away, will come back asking to live there again or try to sugar coat his actions. If not after a few days...eventually. Please watch what you do at this point. If it were me I would not allow him into the house at all. Just as back up, I would photograph the bumps and bruises...and see what alimony and custody he'll get after That! For heavens sake...he is the one having the A!! Where is their logic coming from!
Stay strong...u don't deserve to be treated that way after you've already been going thru hell with the A.
I have been following your thread, but this is the first time I have responded to you. In reading your most recent post about the intensity of your last argument with your H, I decided to give you some advice.
IMHO... I strongly believe that you need to treat yourself with greater respect. If you had a good friend that was going through this type of situation, what would you advise them to do? BQT... treat yourself like the great person that you are! Surround yourself with people who appreciate this loving quality in you, with those who lovingly support you. Ask these people for help- in doing so, I see it as a sign of great personal strength and high esteem! You deserve it! You have to feel centered and good enough about yourself to not allow your H's negative comments define you. His accusations are not a reflection of you... They are a reflection of the hurt and pain he is experiencing right now.
Focusing on yourself and what makes YOU happy is absoluely essential! Try to develop and discover ways to do this without your H right now. In doing so, it will help you to get over the shock of what is happening and allow you to grieve- then try journaling the steps you are willing to take to make your life as fulfilling as possible! It is so important for you to restore your sense of self, reminding yourself that you are a wonderful person (remind yourself this OFTEN). Some ideas of different "steps" that you can take to improve BQT might be: to exercise, journal, join a support group or see a counselor, hobbies, devote yourself to your job, being kind to yourself, etc. Basically anything that involves you working on yourself. Now is the perfect time for you to improve your self-esteem and outlook on life. Do not rely on your marriage to be the sole source of your happiness... Pamper yourself! I believe the key to feeling better is deciding that you are a priority. You are the #1 person in your list of people to help and to love.
Throughout my M, I found myself so consumed with my H that I forgot what I loved to do. I was preoccupied with my H. Although there are still days where I miss him, I am able to see he is not necessary to my self-esteem or happiness. I believe that I will have fully healed my heart when I can COMPLETELY focus on my own life, let go of my resentments, and forgive myself, as well as my husband.
BQT... You deserve an ideal life including a happy relationship, as well as a feeling that your life is getting better. You are deserving of kindness and care! You need to have enough self-esteem or self-love to say: "I deserve to be treated with love and respect"... Please take good care of yourself.... -OC Kim
