Hairdog, I don't know about your W but will say BB wants my attention, time and touch w/o anything sexual involved. I understand a little what your W is saying about not wanting anything OF her.
If she is anything like BB she wants to be given to with no strings attached and you not getting aroused. When you focus on what is important to her and put everything you feel in a vacuum, then she feels loved.
Sorry there is no vacuum to put your things in without you dying inside. This is something she has to realize. Relationships have to work for both people if they are to continue in a happy state.
not wanting anything OF her This is something like her wanting things from Santa Clause. Getting toys because she is good, not because she earned something or she contributes to the community pot/relationship. I think there are too many women that see sex as another task that they put energy into to give away and usually feel they get less in return. I would like to see more attitude along the lines that affections are something you share and experience with your partner. If the woman didn't get exactly what she need, she should ask for changes to be made, not quit.
HD, getting the V was a something I would have done if I were in your situation.
Oh my God HD I do swear your wife is a clone of myself or vica versa at times.
What you just stated as your view of how your wife thought. Was like you were in my head a few months back ago.And how I felt for years about him it was all about sex and his life revolved around his penis. Wow glad I am past that to a large degree. I believe you should see that in my earlier statement when I said I have wished my H could kiss me or touch me with out it taking on a sexual nature. Odd how as soon as I put my defenses down and tried to view it from his side of the fence how easily my perception of his actions and the anger it brought up disapated. I hope your wife gets there soon more for herself then for you its more peaceful to not feel you are living with a villian of sorts.
I found identification of your thought your wife may be gay. My mother has thought I might be gay. I have thought I would rather be gay and my H was given the illussion I was last year when I was trying desperatly to leave him.
Our sitch do seem to travel some of the same roads.
Quote: . I believe you should see that in my earlier statement when I said I have wished my H could kiss me or touch me with out it taking on a sexual nature.
There was a time when I might have been described this way. Years ago, during the very early part of the relationship. If my wife accused me of this today, I would probably laugh. "When was the last time I showed you any sort of affection and it took on a sexual nature?" It has been many moons...perhaps years.
I just don't see her that way most of the time. I used to see her as my lover, but the continual negative reactions and arguments and the change in her sense of humor and her outright aversion to physical contact finally wore down my attraction toward her. I know I still have the ability to see her as a sexual being, to be attracted to her physically, but it doesn't cross my mind very often.
And Lou said:
Quote: too many women that see sex as another task that they put energy into to give away and usually feel they get less in return.
This is almost directly out of my W's mouth...certainly she'd agree with the sentiment. She complains that she gives and gives and works and works, then she comes home and I want more. She complains that she lacks energy to give to me. Like I'm some sort of life-essence-sucking leech. And then, it's all for my benefit, she gets nothing in return, and of course, I want more in a few days.
Yet, she makes time to do the things that are important to her, including playing Hearts on the computer, vegging-out in front of the TV, reading, etc. All I want is for her to make some time for US.
Quote: She didn't say "I want you to not want me." She said, "I want you to not want OF me" I think she wants me to want her...just not to bother her about it.
I'll take a stab at this... I agree with Lou that I think she's saying "I want you to not want ANYTHING of me." IOW you can do what you want, feel what you want, want what you want, but she is not going to do anything in response to your wanting. She may occasionally spontaneously WANT on her own; that's a different sitch.
Another way of stating it might be: "Don't expect anything of me," or "Don't expect me to respond to you," or "What you want doesn't matter to me."
The dialogues you reported were VERY interesting and really clear.
What about my question from before the weekend: does she see hostile motives behind other people's statements, or just yours? I know she assumes everything you do is motivated by your sexual needs, and I guess she doesn't assume others have sexual motives toward her, but does she feel that other people are also "after" something from her? That they want to take advantage of her? And is her attitude toward women different? Does she see other women as sisters, or as another version of the enemy? Does she have friends? Is she liked and respected by her colleagues? What is her professional reputation like? I guess I'm wondering if this nit-picky, cruel behavior is reserved for you or if she's difficult with other people, too. Not sure why I'm wondering... just trying to get a rounded picture, I guess...
Quote: (aside) I just got a call from her in which she was upset that, while I had to access her work computer at her request to get a client's phone number for her, I inserted an item in her Outlook Calendar for today: "Squeeze Hairdog's Butt Day."
HD:
You crack me up!(pun intended) Couldn't you have just blocked out a couple of hours for butt squeezing? But a whole day? (Just enjoying the joke HD.)
In my similiar sitch, W and I were arguing one day about our differences in approaching sex and I told her that she did not understand what my needs were and then I made the analogy, if W heard that people were starving in Africa she would send them basketballs! She used the "Basketballs for Biafra" comment against me for quite a while in our R "discussions".
Good luck with your sitch. and use plenty of patience, man of steel.
