Wow, it sounds to me like things are really heading in a positive direction for you! This is great!
molliew's been giving you some great input. DO just hold the letter for now, "maybe" there will be a time in the future to share it with her. For now, though, just keep revising and adding to it, and keep it for yourself.
I'll have to be on my best behaviour and not press, not pursue, not talk.
Yes, don't try to take things too far, too fast.You don't want to scare her now, do you?! She's got a lot to process now too, just the same as you do. Maybe try to keep it light for now, and above all, have a good time together! Create a "safe place" for her to be right now, so she'll be ready and willing to come back for more.
Try to stay out of any R talks. It sounds like you've layed a lot out on the line already, and as Michele says, "Unless she's deaf, she heard you the first time"! If she initiates any R talks, learn to listen, and listen to learn.
Have a great time tonight! Doing yard work together can be a great way to connect!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Well, last Saturday we ended up talking about the relationship. It wasn't really started by either of us, it just happened, maybe because our boys were coming home that afternoon and we wouldn't have much time to talk privately after that. After a lot of talking, crying and me holding her while she cried, she seems to have let go, or is trying to let go, of a lot of what was keeping her from trying to make our marriage stable, loving and happy again. I am embarassed to say I did a fair amount of non-DB convicing, but it was honest convincing. I told her, "You convinced me to get married when I didn't know it was the right thing for me or if I could handle it. You convinced me to have a child when I didn't know if it was the right thing for me or if I could handle it. You convinced me to have a second child when I didn't know if it was right for me or if I could handle two kids. But I trusted you, and although it's been hard for me sometimes, I don't regret trusting you and making the decisions with you to do those things. Some of the problems we've had were because I wasn't entirely ready or wasn't wise enough to know that to do with a marriage and children, but I know much more now and am committed to learning all that I can. So I ask you now, trust me this time, and make a conscious decision to be my wife, keep our family together, and to take the time and work with me to rebuild our relationship and love for each other. Love is a decision, and I have decided to love you. I will not always be my best, but I will never intentionally hurt you again. It won't be easy. It will be hard, but not near so hard as the alternatives. So give up on any other ideas other than being my loving wife, let it go, and you'll start to feel better. I did once I let go of my resentment and anger and made the concious decision to commit to our marriage and loving you, and it has kept me from making things worse as I might have done in the past. All those toxic feelings only hurt us. Work with me to make them fade. I want you back. I want my wife back."
Of course, that isn't exactly what I said, but it's close. She resisted at first, then cried, said she didn't know if she could do it, then cried while I held her for what seemed like a half hour, and then she said a soft, "yes." She's kept to it since that moment, better than I had hoped. Sometimes she gets angry again, says something brusk or mean, but she lets me tell her that it hurts me, and she accepts that and apologizes now. We have agreed to spend 20-30 minutes every day just holding each other, stroking skin and talking quietly. Last night I kissed her on the eyes, she presented her nose and I kissed that, and then she kissed me on the mouth, and not just a peck like the last few kisses we've had. Being intimate, and kissing, is still not easy for her (and really, for me either, I have to keep from getting the shakes my fear of rejection and my roiling emotions are so great), but it seems to be getting easier the more we do it. This intimate time is in addition to other quality time together, playing games or watching movies, or whatever. Last night we watched the boys do tricks on their bikes in the driveway. She is reading information about improving our relationship, such as the book "Imperfect Harmony" and some print-outs I have used to understand the "Acting As If" method of building feelings of love and happiness (http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/00aaf03.html#spirit, and the Susan Page book "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together").
I have found the "Acting As If" I am a loving spouse concept and method very powerful. It has kept me from degenerating into the toxic and violent behaviour of my past. When my wife does something that upsets me or the old feelings of hurt and resentment come back, I make myself kiss her gently, on the shoulder, or some such place, or give her a smile, then walk away and force myself to think of something good about her until I can come be nice. When things are easier "Acting As If" can turn an uncomfortable or lackluster time together brighter and even joyful when the circumstances of the relationship are still shaky. And my wife is doing "Acting As If" she's a loving spouse, too, and I think I can see it changing how she feels sometimes. This morning she gave me a goodbye kiss that had some "umph" behind it, something that I haven't felt for a bit.
Is everything all better? Not by a long shot! But the first baby steps together are being taken. I still pull the majority of the weight, I'm still the one who DB's and trys to find the resources to help us, to introduce to her when she's ready (just leaving them on our headboard seems to often work). But I can feel things getting better, even if she's still hurt, unhappy, and has a lot to work through and let go of. But she's trying, and right now that's the greatest gift I could ever ask for.
She's got a lot to process now too, just the same as you do. Maybe try to keep it light for now, and above all, have a good time together! Create a "safe place" for her to be right now, so she'll be ready and willing to come back for more.