I agree with HP. I think the reason your wife might think that you are a bottomless pit of sexuality is that when you reveal yourself bit-by-bit you are practicing a form of deception. I know it's really difficult to figure out what your real baseline needs are sexually when you've been deprived for so long but maybe if you took the time to figure this out and kind of write a little mental essay on the topic, you could present your true self in a straight-forward manner. For instance:
"Based on my experience before marriage and the messages my body sends me, I think I would be satisfied with sexual activity about 2 or 3x a week though this varies and sometimes I might want it every day and other times I might be happy to go a week without. I would like a certain amount of variety in our sex life including especially activities a,b and c and I would like for us to be able to speak freely about the topic generally."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Maybe change, "I'm horny" to "I want you" or "I want to be with you"....Like HP said, try it for a week. She may find some humor in it anyway....
yes, I agree that I need to express my needs more often and more honestly. We have even talked (with counselor) about the fact that it is better to say "I'm in the mood" rather than "are you in the mood?" - the first statement owns your feelings while the second statement sets the partner up for possible failure.
The problem, is that just like Hairdog mentions in his thread... my wife has the rulebook in HER head and does not care to share it with me. One day she tells me that when I'm in the mood I should say "I want to spend time with you..." because it sounds more loving than "I'm horny" - so, guess what... the third time I use the "I want to spend time with you..." she tells me that I'm just using a line and don't mean it... WTF?
Quote: I know it's really difficult to figure out what your real baseline needs are sexually when you've been deprived for so long
yes, I thought for the longest time that I wanted sex every single day. Now, I realize I would probably be happy with one a week with an extra thrown in every now and then... this could be stretched out even further if touching were allowed between times...
I HAVE talked with her about this (and it is always a 2 hour nightmare of an arguement) and she pretty much said she is only in the mood every 2 weeks - take it or leave it. She has no desire to change - she has accepted who she is and how she feels about sex and feels that I should do the same.
That sounds pretty cold... and I think it is more harsh than she really wants to be... she said this during an arguement, yet it still sticks in my head. Kinda makes it hard to initiate anything doesn't it??
I would say to her Sometimes I will say it your way and sometimes I will say it my way, if that's ok.
I would be sure to not say anything that offends her, but as JJ said the other day, most of the HDH's on this board are good guys who love their wives and would not intentionally offend them anyway.
She will have to stretch what she finds an acceptable way to say it. It won't *always* be phrased in a "I need you emotionally" way and, if that is what's up your wife's alley, you'd be foolish to always phrase it in a cruder and more lustful way.
One thing that has worked for me is to say my desirous things when I am not physically near him. "You look sexy right now." etc, when I'm across the room. Saying it when we are wrapped up in a hug seems to up the pressure. Maybe you could state "I want to ML later" and give her a nice smile and then go on with your day. Light and sexy. I'm sure she doesn't like the conflict-laden mess that has become your sex life anymore than you do.
Quote: she pretty much said she is only in the mood every 2 weeks - take it or leave it.
Okay, so she set a boundary and you accepted it. Do you believe that this really is her boundary? If not you need to make a line in the sand of your own, otherwise you gotta figure out how to be happy with bi-weekly sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hehe, HD that sounds like something I'd say, only my line is "my, getting a titty-bit nipply ain't it". I've gotten the look for it, but at least not the silent treatment on top of it. Man, I feel for ya. Maybe your 180 should be just to let loose and expose all of those pent up thoughts. It appears that both of you are gaurding your words, and what does come out is so codified and censored that the messages isn't discernable, even if you were LISTENING to each other. Try making her feel what you are feeling without being judgemental or involving her in the feelings...the idea is to just expose yourself (no, not your parts :-) ) so that she can feel what you are feeling. She probably won't reciprocate (still working on MrsGGB on that score), but at least maybe you can break that communications logjam you got going there. Maybe have the C help you out with communications. I don't think anything else is going to get better until you two learn to really talk and listen to one another. Right now it would appear that you are not.
