Being a LD myself I could relate to what you were saying about your S labling you as a pervert. Not saying that you are mind you. But I did have that exact same feeling towards my H until recently. Used that exact same word to describe him for ages. In my mind he had to have something wronge with him it seemed like every thought and action he made was based on a want for sex. Mow the lawn he wants sex. Do the dishes yeah he wants sex.It seemed everything was all about sex. I really felt he had a problem it was all on him. And after talking to friends and family none of them admitted to being to interested in sex either so I appeared to be the norm and that only reinforced my belief that my H was a pervert. Then I found this bulletin board and the faceless nameless people here have made me understand that the real truth is the word admit. And my H is not as preverted or isolated in his high sex drive as I thought. I started seeing not only men but woman screaming I want sex. Saying I want a emotional connection that comes from a sexual encounter with my spouse. And though I do not feel this connection from sex I am starting to understand it and his wants and needs for it. I would have never listened to his words of this is why I want sex to feel connected loved and secure. I would have thought wow her is a new one to try to con me into having sex with him. But others words and thoughts on this matter and the amount of others have finally made me sit back and say hmm maybe he is normal maybe it is not just his problem maybe he is not really the pervert I have classified him as all these years. So all that to ask this question. Does your wife ever read this forum? If not maybe if she did she could gain some insight into you as I did my H by realizing it is not just you who feels sex is that much of a important factor in life. I would have never been open to that without this BB and the truth that lies within it. Since we are all faceless here we are free to say what is real within us.
One thing I did want to address. Was you stated that your wife was molested. And that it inhibates you from feeling free to be yourself in certain manners with her. This worrys me and makes me wonder how and what she has done to deal with the emotional baggage that molestation brings to the table. If you feel it is tainting her and your relationship by making her see normal as perverted then it does not sound as if she has really come to terms with the past and it is still haunting her. This is so unhealthy for her. I understand your not asking her if you feel it is painful for her I admire your consideration. And having been molested myself by my grandfather I understand her not just bringing it up into conversation. But I from experience also know if you do not turn around and face your demons they will consume you and everyone around you will feel the fallout.
I just wish for once I could be 100+ out in the open and be accepted as I am.
AHH I think most of us here feel that way about something that we feel we have to hide about ourselves from our mates . Found a simular quote on another BB today. Worded differently but meaning seems the same
If you feel you must hide your feelings from your partner, then you need to hide your partner from yourself
I think we are all on the same quest to be accepted and loved for who were are. It is great to have company on the journey someone to help carry you along. It is just sad that the journey is so long and the roads that lead us to our goal seem to all be underconstruction.
Again all this just to really ask if your wife reads these forums and suggest it may help. Sorry so long winded it is a curse.
I want my wife all the time yet, I don’t think I am perverted for wanting her. I am going to start a new thread dealing with song lyrics that justify and validate the HD spouse POV. I’ve got a great initial offering in mind. I’m hoping that you HD spouses will add more song lyrics from the songs that mean the most to your sitch as well as your thoughts about other lyrics posted here.
Man, oh, man. I gotta chime in here. To hear my W talk, I ought to have my picture up on the sexual offenders' database. And, like you, GS, I hide about 90 percent of my sexual thoughts from her.
Scene from a vacation: It had just rained in Bayfield, WI, (one of my favorite towns in the world) and we'd gotten a bit damp, pushing the stroller with DD4 in it, followed, at some distance, by my three older kids. We'd had a wonderful morning--had taken a tour on a boat around the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior, followed by a great lunch at a local restaurant. The effect of the damp clothes, and the cool wind off of the lake had an obvious effect on W's breasts.
In my best pirate's voice, I quietly said to her, "I say, the wind's a might nipply today, don't you think?" She looked down at her shirt, and gave me THE LOOK. (oh, sh*t.)
"You just have to go and ruin a perfect day, don't you?" she said. She pretty much ignored me for the next couple of hours.
Sigh.
What a frickin pervert I am!
Why did I marry this humorless cold fish?
Oh, and that was the first comment in days, perhaps weeks, that even bordered on sexual.
Oh, well, it's off to counseling again today. I feel like zero progress has been made.
I mean, come on. A pirate's voice? That's hilarious.
I would want to air this topic in C today, if I were you. Now you: can't actually have sex, you can't give her affection, you can't make innuendos and, furthermore, all of this is on some invisible timeline in which she is allegedly working towards allowing some or all of it.
I think you need to see some PROGRESS brutha man!
To get the silent treatment for hours because of a pirate joke is bizarre.
At any rate, your descriptions of WI sound so lovely! It's never been a place I was dying to see but you are quite the salesman. I'm glad it was a good vacation, otherwise.
Seriously she needs to lighten UP!
Was she always like this?
I have a hard time picturing you being irresistably drawn to such a stern taskmaster.
Quote: In my best pirate's voice, I quietly said to her, "I say, the wind's a might nipply today, don't you think?" She looked down at her shirt, and gave me THE LOOK. (oh, sh*t.)
LOL- I think the HDW equivalent of being a pervert is being a slut. For instance, I am developing a terrible tendency to wear t-shirt/bra combos that leave little to the imagination in a pathetic bid for "other validation". Then when strange men do check me out I generally give them a look that says "Forget it pervert. I'm married.". My SSM has turned me into a 40 year old cock-tease.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Does your wife ever read this forum? If not maybe if she did she could gain some insight into you as I did my H by realizing it is not just you who feels sex is that much of a important factor in life. I would have never been open to that without this BB and the truth that lies within it. Since we are all faceless here we are free to say what is real within us.
No, my wife does not read this forum. I have asked her to do things in the past (such as read SSM) and she said "no." I didn't even tell her the name of the book (since it can sound so intimidating). Instead, I took a few choice sentences from the book that were exact words from our mouths and presented them to her. She would not even look at them. We ended up having an hour long arguement over my insistence to "change her" and "make her someone she isn't".
I see this forum as a place where I can come vent and get things off my chest. Where I can share the fact that I am NOT alone and NOT perverted. To bring her here would probably not do me any good.
She does not understand the faceless anonymous nature of an online forum. She would feel violated as if I had been telling our next door neighbor about our sex life.
Quote: One thing I did want to address. Was you stated that your wife was molested. And that it inhibates you from feeling free to be yourself in certain manners with her. This worrys me and makes me wonder how and what she has done to deal with the emotional baggage that molestation brings to the table.
According to her, she HAS dealt with it and fought her demons. We were going to counseling for a year and she finally confessed to the counselor what happened. She told the counselor that she had accepted / dealt with / cured whatever ills the molesting caused and did not need any help dealing with it. At that point, our funds ran out and we had to stop going to counseling.
My wife has made positive moves in our relationship. She actually said to me "you should let me know any time you are horny... you should ask for sex anytime you want it..."
~ don't start cheering for me just yet guys...
she said "ask" - this does not imply she is going to "grant" anything. It just means she wants the lines of communication to be open.
I think if I really did ask/tell everytime I was in the mood she would freak out.
She told me months ago that she because disinterested in sex when she felt that she could never keep up or satisfy me. She felt that I was always trying to push it to the next level so she just shut down. As such, the thought of constantly popping in every day and saying "hey, guess what... I'm horny again..." just doesn't sound like a good idea.
I think I will follow suggestions earlier in this thread about letting a little more of ME out of the bag little by little...
How many times have I bit my lip or held my hands behind my back? Countless... I bet your wife has the same attitude as mine... she feels like all I want her for is sex. She says that I objectify her...
I think her perspective is off by a mile or two...
If you watch TV and you see the "man show" where all these girls are parading around in skimpy bikini's while the guys swig beer and pat them on the rear... THAT is a woman being objectified...
When my wife is wearing a nice outfit and she bends over to get something and I want to pat her on the a$$ and say "that's real nice..." - that is NOT objectifying... that is me saying "my partner really turns me on"
She would see it differently though and we would end up having a lengthy discussion about what a jerk I am...
It kills me to read the post on here from the HD women saying "would my husband just please touch me there?"
Quote: "you should let me know any time you are horny... you should ask for sex anytime you want it..."
I think if I really did ask/tell everytime I was in the mood she would freak out.
Why not try it for, say, a week?
And let her know that you are doing as she asked. I think you take on too much of her reaction--you are fused with her, in other words. If she hates it, that is HER problem. She will then be able to say, Ok the full force of it overwhelmed me. And you can respond, What about 50%? Anything less than that and I feel like I am stifled.
Blah blah.
What I'm saying is that you can begin the negotiating process. The process of learning how to live with each other, sexually. Right now the system of she decides when and where and how much is not working for you. That's all you have to say to her. It's not working for me.
If she says, You want me to be someone I'm not, then you counter with, And you want me to be someone I'm not!
The idea is to break out of the avoidance pattern you are in and just start the negotiation process, as ugly and full of conflict as it's liable to be.
Right now, you are allowing her to dictate everything and then getting mad at her for it. This is unfair to her.
I believe that you will start to feel better about the situation when you begin to assert yourself, even if it does not bring more sex. It just feels good to be yourself, kwim?
What would happen if you just said, "I'm horny" and walked away or dropped the subject. You tell her and leave it at that. She'll know you are, she'll realize you don't expect her to do something about it immediately, and she'll realize how often you think of her in a sexual way. Safe and effective. Maybe change, "I'm horny" to "I want you" or "I want to be with you"....Like HP said, try it for a week. She may find some humor in it anyway....
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
