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Heather,

What have you done in the past for your anniversary ?
If you have always done just a card then stick to that. If he use to take you out for a wonderful dinner do a card and bake his fav dessert. (less then the dinner but more then a card) I think this would show that it means something to you but you did not rely on him showing it meant something to him (him taking you out to dinner).


Are you two speaking via phone calls or email right now while he is gone? If so what tone are they taking ?

I am glad you are getting lots of mommie time right now. Important for both your D and S but think it is really good for you and S.

Your dreams are just your subconsious talking. With your H being away being so detached when he is there you probably have a fear barried within you that he will find someone else to take comfort in. Or maybe a small perjection of guilt or maybe a worry that your H is thinking with him gone so long you may stray who knows. Stay focused on your awake time. And enjoy your peace that you have right now. A little may have to go along way or you and your H may relax enough durring your time apart that you will be more calm when he returns from his job and be able to relate to each other better with out all the built up tension.
I can tell by your post you are in a much calmer place. Try to stay there on the weekends when he is home.

Good luck will check in on you again soon.

Hi Chrissy~

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What have you done in the past for your anniversary ?

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Well aside from last year (I told H a week before anniversary about OM, so there WAS no anniversary), we've kept it pretty low key. I kept our unity candle from our wedding and I've lit it every year except last year. Will probably have to skip this year as well, huh? It's pretty sentimental.
Our anniversary falls on this coming Thursday, so I think I'll just slip a card in his bag before he leaves Sunday. I don't think I'll do anything else to acknowledge it if he doesn't say anything. If he does say something about it or gets me a card in return, I'll do something extra nice this weekend, like make a nice dinner, but I won't connect it to the anniversary. I'll keep you posted.

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Are you two speaking via phone calls or email right now while he is gone? If so what tone are they taking ?

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We're speaking by phone, mostly just a couple of minutes when H calls to talk to the kids at night. The tone has been pretty good actually, much better the second week than the first. The first week was pretty strained. Right before he left he was being nicer to me and for the most part I was reciprocating, but then the night before he left, I went to bed without saying goodnight. I was trying to figure out his motive for being nice instead of just going with it and I got a little bitter and took a jab by not saying goodnight. But that weekend when he came home, we picked up being friendly again and even resumed sex. So that's good. Then the second week, he's called me a couple quick times during the day to ask me a question about something like if I got the guy to cut the grass, that kind of stuff. So again, that's good.

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Your dreams are just your subconsious talking.

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Yeah, I know. In many ways, I feel like this new R between H and I resembles the one we had when we first got together, with me feeling inferior. He was downright cruel at times back then and his behavior since I revealed the A has been strikingly similar but feels different because it's "justified". The woman I am today still feels the need to defend the 17 year old girl I was then, I never did anything to deserve the way he treated me. I have lots of unresolved feelings. I remember feeling jealous that he had some meaningful relationships in his past, whereas mine were not. I really only had one boyfriend before H. The rest were one night stands~yes, I was a troubled 17 year old. But I think me kissing OM, someone I wasn't attracted to and who meant nothing to me, brought back some of those feelings and I suppose if H were to ever cheat on me it would be meaningful to him or he wouldn't do it. So, yes, my subconscious is connecting dots that probably aren't even there...

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I can tell by your post you are in a much calmer place.

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I definitely see this as well. I wish it could stay this way.....it's going to be difficult to maintain when he comes back home. When he is away, I feel like the world is mine again.

H and I had another pretty good weekend. Friday night we talked some after we got the kids in bed, reconnecting sort of stuff about what has gone on during the week, etc. That's the kind of thing we don't get enough of, so that was time well spent.
Saturday H suggested lunch at Macaroni Grill and we ran an errand, came home and put the kids down for a nap. Had sex. Evening, his sister came over with her two kids, we chatted, had a couple drinks and barbecued chicken. After kids were in bed H and I watched a movie together which is pretty common. But the rare part was that we sat together on the couch instead of me on the couch and him lying on the floor by the TV which has become the norm. Toward the end of the movie, he put his pillow up against me and layed his head down.
Today we had another good day for the most part, I won't keep boring you with all the details. There were a couple times today when I couldn't help but think to myself "and he has the nerve to call me selfish..."
One of those incidents was that we had a 12 year old kid mow the lawn and we gave him $40. But he did a pretty bad job. H continued to be irritated about it throughout the day. It was just annoying. I told H we wouldn't have him do it again, but he is only 12. We can make the decision not to call him again, but we can't make him do a good job. He was annoyed that he was going to have to get the lawn mower out and do the parts the kid had missed. And he needed to work out and he was tired.
Yesterday, he got a nap but I didn't because D2 wouldn't sleep. So I didn't feel all that guilty that I was going to get to nap today while he had "chores". But then he goes to work out and he blares his music. He came out to get some water and I told him I couldn't sleep with the music so loud and he got really snotty and said "oh, so you're nap should take precedence over me working out?" Jerk. Like I care if you work out or not....plus it's about the music not the workout. Whatever. Course I didn't say that.
Just made me remember that things aren't going to be as nice when we comes home as they are now.
Then the guy he works with stayed in northern VA where they are working instead of coming home this weekend, but he called H today and asked him if he would mind swinging by his FIL's house to pick up a bag of stuff he forgot last weekend. H didn't really hide the fact that he wasn't happy about being asked to do it but he agreed. Later, he said to me "I thought I did a pretty good job of creating a life for myself where I don't ask people for favors and they don't ask anything of me either"....geez, what a nice guy huh?? I said, "well, most people want friends and this is what being a friend is all about, being able to count on someone" he said "but I never will, I ask only my Dad every once in a while and only for stuff that's too big for me to do on my own..." . Ok, well good for you. So everybody else is a jerk who should know full well not to ask a favor from you. I think they all eventually get the picture, hence the reason we rarely get invites from anyone he knows, and the guy he worked with who once did give us invites can no longer stand H. What a mystery.....

But all in all, it was still a good weekend and things still look optimistic. I decided to get a card for our anniversay. It had a picture on the front of two bath towels hanging on a rack that said "HIS" and "HERS" and inside the card read "Even after all these years, hanging out with you is still my favorite thing to do." I signed it "Love, Heather" and stuck it in his bag. We'll see.

I'm sure H has found his card by now, in fact he probably had it Sunday night. He has not said anything about it, but has definitely not taken offense to it, because he's been friendly.
I'm feeling a little down the last couple of days. When we first moved here, to Virginia, 10 years ago, I had family here. My brother, his wife and his daughter. My H had no family here. Over time, my H's sister and her family and H's parents have moved here. On my side, my other brother moved here. So, we had family from both sides. Well, both of my brothers have recently moved back to Michigan so I no longer have family here. I'm a little depressed about it. It's nice to have people who love you to fall back on when times are tough, which they are. Friends are wonderful to have, but good friends are hard to come by. I find it difficult to maintain friendships, as my time is so limited having two small babies, working full time and having an H who has no time for outside people.
I miss my peeps

That's excellent news that H has been friendly. The card was a success! Good call on your part.

I'm sorry to hear you're a little down; I know my wife has felt the same way since we've moved so much, and never close to her family. I've always been sort of self-contained and never did much to cultivate friendships with other couples (I'm sort of like your H in that I hate to ask people for favors, though I generally don't mind doing them). That sort of isolated feeling contributed to her hopelessness and vulnerable mindset. Now may not be the time, but if you and H start working things out, I HIGHLY encourage you to help him understand that you need to build good friendships and feel connected to people close by. Eventually maybe he'll understand it's worthwhile for him to sacrifice a bit to make that happen because it will be much easier for you to be the wife and mother you want to be for him and your babies.

If need be, feel free to send him my way and I'll explain to him why it's in everyone's interest for that to happen. He may even hear those words you mentioned in a previous post: ONLY a kiss!

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That's excellent news that H has been friendly. The card was a success!

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Yeah, I think it was. But based on your good advice, I was ready to view it as a success no matter what

You know, from where I sit now, it's so hard to believe that a month or so ago we were hating each other, him trying to keep my kids from me and locking me in the laundry room and putting his hands on me. And me retaliating and maybe even instigating. This is me though, to a tee. I cannot hold a grudge. After all is said and done, I see myself just as much at fault as H. This is the way it has always been. Things never get resolved in my M. We just keep truckin.

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if you and H start working things out, I HIGHLY encourage you to help him understand that you need to build good friendships and feel connected to people close by.

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We'll see. If I thought he gave a rat's petuti (sp?!) what I wanted our R would have been out of the woods before it ever got there. Honestly, underneath the surface, for me, that's the root of our problems. H doesn't seem to give a rip what I want. Maybe you're right though, maybe it will change. I have to believe that I briefly lost my freakin mind for some purpose.....perhaps that purpose was that our problems could come to the surface and maybe like 4 years after that we could start fixing them.....sorry for the sarcasm. It helps me bring humor into something that isn't so funny for me.

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If need be, feel free to send him my way and I'll explain to him why it's in everyone's interest for that to happen. He may even hear those words you mentioned in a previous post: ONLY a kiss!

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If only he stumbled across this site and saw what some of you are going through. It certainly wouldn't erase what I did or lessen the impact of completely blowing his trust in me, but maybe it would put things in perspective a little. But probably not even then. My H has a profound belief in justice I am finding out. Justice of course for violations against him not committed by him. Those he commits he simply doesn't acknowledge. It's worked really great for him.

Thanks for the support Bud!

I feel like this new R between H and I resembles the one we had when we first got together, with me feeling inferior.

he got really snotty and said "oh, so you're nap should take precedence over me working out?"

H didn't really hide the fact that he wasn't happy about being asked to do it but he agreed.

H doesn't seem to give a rip what I want.

H has a profound belief in justice I am finding out. Justice of course for violations against him not committed by him. Those he commits he simply doesn't acknowledge.

So, I think you said somewhere you were going to read "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship"... and what will you do with that knowledge?

The weekend before H left for northern VA, I caught him in a lie. He got a rental car Friday afternoon so he could leave first thing Monday morning and I used it to go to karate Friday night. I got home that night at 9:30. The next day I used it again that afternoon to get my nails done. When I got in the car, the seat was back. I instantly thought that was weird, because I should have been the last person to be in that car the night before. So, when I came home I asked H if he had went somewhere last night after I went to bed (which wasn't until nearly 12:30am). He said he went to get cash. I said "you drove after you had been drinking, at 12:30 in the morning because all of a sudden you decided you needed cash??" HEL-LO, I wasn't born yesterday, all my senses are telling me he's full of it. He said "I just needed to get out of the house" I basically repeated the same question again, and he just confirmed, yes. So, I went to the grocery store and continued to think about it. I thought, ok. I know he went out. Which means he probably did stop and get money. And if he went out, he will have considerably less than what he retrieved from the ATM. So, I go home, H is in the bathroom. So I pull out the ATM slip he has folded between his cash, which is all sitting out, so it's not like I had to snoop too badly. The ATM slip says $200. The cash he has remaining is like $182, with $11 of those dollars being in $1.00 bills. Hmm. Plus I had no idea how much money he had to begin with. I instantly thought he had gone to a strip club. When H got out of the bathroom, I confronted him. Asked if he had been robbed on the way home if the only place he had gone to last night was the ATM. He wouldn't tell me where he had gone, like I said H is VERY good at not acknowledging what I'm saying. He eventually said he did not go to anyplace like a strip club, I believe him. So I asked why he lied then. He said because he knew he shouldn't have gone anywhere since we sort of have an "agreement" not to go out without the other person. Mind you, this was his rule, not mine. I don't make rules and expect that he will actually abide, only he has that luxury. So anyway, he broke his own rule and then lied about it. Straight to my face. Interesting, huh? Still don't know exactly where he went, but apparently to a bar. He actually apologized for going (but I feel like he was being manipulative by doing so b/c he knew he HAD to apologize if he wants me to continue abiding by the rule even after he broke it) and he never said a word about lying to me.

I have wondered a great deal since I betrayed the trust in our M and saw how harshly he has reacted, how honest he has always been with me. I know it's weird that the person who betrays always ends of thinking the other person is betraying them. But I before I lost my mind I really was always honest with H. Perhaps too much so. I could be a case of total nonsense. But I honestly don't trust him much either.

I have wondered a great deal since I betrayed the trust in our M and saw how harshly he has reacted, how honest he has always been with me. I know it's weird that the person who betrays always ends of thinking the other person is betraying them.

But he betrays the trust by lying, and by going against agreements:

"So I asked why he lied then. He said because he knew he shouldn't have gone anywhere since we sort of have an "agreement" not to go out without the other person."

BTW, that "agreement", originating from your H, was about him tagging along when you go out so as to curtail any suspicious activity on your part, I'd imagine, right? That's like a band aid when it comes to repairing a relationship, isn't it?

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So, I think you said somewhere you were going to read "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship"... and what will you do with that knowledge?

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He he, you cut right to the heart of it, don't ya?? That's why we love you

I'm still reading "After the Affair". I found the first chapter of that to be very helpful. After the first chapter, that the author talks a lot about childhood experiences and deprivations and how we replay those deprivations out with our partners. My initial reaction to that line of thought is that I don't necessarily buy into it, certainly not to any degree where I could appreciate generalizations on the topic. But I'm sticking with it b/c all in all I think it will be a good read and I will certainly refer back to the first chapter whenever I start to feel like H is being unreasonable so the words can bring me back to where H is emotionally.

So, I haven't started reading the emotionally abusive relationship book yet. My initial goal with reading that book though is how to circumvent the situations that arise between H and me and to learn how not to react/contribute/abuse. I want to take his power away.