HP... That is really great advice. I am thinking back about my own troubled marriage, how I built my own handicapped ramp by not being confident, assertive and self-aware enough to really pursue a satisfying sex life. I allowed H's defensiveness and anxiety to rule the day.
Karen, here's the opportunity to up the ante in a loving, positive way. Hope you plan a great nite together!
Quote: Deida talks about the feminine desire for "ravishment." This is what the ladies here are talking about when we talk about pursuit. His description is exactly what we are talking about as is his description of the feminine desire to be filled.
I will put that in my memory bank and maybe use it next time I get a "NO". I get lots of no's but somehow manage to get past some sometimes.
Any verbal or outward signs between "NO" and "no but maybe if you ravish me?"
The thing that frustrates me about the "ravishment" thing is that actually my H can be a pretty good "bad boy" ravisher on occasion but neither he nor I really know what brings it out. I once said "Remember when you threw me up on the bathroom sink and "did me". That was really hot.". His reply was along the lines of "Yeah, that was hot but it's not going to be happening again any time soon.". My H also has a "bad boy" component to his personality outside of the sexual. For instance, he fairly frequently does things like drive too fast in order to get a rise out of me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have always liked the bad boys and I think while we were dating I actually made the mistake of equating some of my H's bad boy behaviors (a truck driver's vocabulary for one, a tendancy to flaunt certain societal rules for another) to be the same as some of the "bad boys" of my youth who were "ravishers." I guess I still kinda suspect that he has it in him and that it is just underneath a layer of anxiety.
Karen, I did this too. My Marine husband has/had some qualities that downright frightened me at times. He would pick fights and show an aggressive side that I found both repulsive and sexy.
I do not understand where that guy resides these days. It's as if he vanished. And, again, I'm both happy to see the volatile hothead go, but sorry that that wonderful aggression and testosterone-fueled badass guy is gone.
I know that if anyone ever tried to harm me or the kids, that he'd fight to the death.
But as far as just showing glimpses of having craploads of T coursing thru his veins...nope.
It's interesting to me.
It must be frustrating to him because I've encouraged him to chill out on the fights and short fuse, but at the same time I'm saying "come on, be aggressive with me".
Why is this so natural for some fellas but not for others? Hmmmmmm
Well, I guess Mr.IHJ wins the BB boy scout award ( he was one, of course). He appears calm and easy-going, but has an alcoholic/bad-tempered father and has learned to detach from the angry part of himself. I have always been the good girl, and together we look like Mr and Mrs Innocent. But...there was the Bad Predatory Boyfriend I met my first day in college ( as he scouted out the new freshmen)...I remember when my H and I first met and we were discussing being dumped, he was fascinated by the fact I was BPB's gf for so long.
It would be fun and exciting if we could make it to the dark side every now and then.
Quote: Any verbal or outward signs between "NO" and "no but maybe if you ravish me?"
I would say if the "No" is a sort of hand-slapping mommy "No" or the "No" is a calm thoughtful "No" then it likely really means "No". If it's more of a battle-of-wills among equals "No" than it might be more of a challenge than a rejection. However, my advice is probably pretty lame since I pretty much never say "No". Come to think of it, this is probably why I rarely get ravaged. My H is so oppositional he probably would go for it more forcefully if I did say "No", otoh he might just break another chunk off the kitchen counter.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Maybe part of my problem is that I am too much of a good girl and my H really wants a bad girl. I do all sorts of bad girl things but I do them with a good girl attitude like "Aren't we happy to be having anal sex! This is good clean fun enjoyed by many loving couples.". I am too generally pro-sex to make anything seem dark and nasty and I'm pretty sure that my H's fantasy life is pretty dark.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ...I think you and my H would have made a good pair...you'd get the frequency you want, and my H would be hooked up with a fun loving, open and creative woman instead of the repressed b!tch he's had to deal with for the majority of the marriage.
