Chrissy, I just read your post and that's exactly what I want...the " right" to feel blah! Except in my case, I take it a step further, and actually want something H can't give me, and am trying to break away from that need.
IHJ, what you're describing is also a 4 thing-- 4's can feel blah and moody and just want acknowledgment without a big deal. I was reading an enneagram BB earlier and a 4 on there said sometimes all she needs is for her SO to sit down, take her hand, and look into her eyes for a minute... without even saying anything. When 4's get in that place (if I may generalize) they can feel cut off, like Sylvia Plath under the Bell Jar. Just some simple, wordless, no-strings, compassionate human contact can help us feel connected again. When you're around someone who makes your moods "about them," it can be aggravating and counter-productive.
I took several little shorter versions of it. 36-50 questions to 144. I did the Quest pretest and the long one all came up that I was a 7 two showed my secondary were 5 and 3s. The other two said my wings were balanced ? Guess this is a good thing if I decide to fly off somewhere lol. Have not had time to read the detailed report from the 144 question test. Just browsed the personality type. I found another form of personality testing also on line but figured I would go back and look at it later.I think this one more related to identifying personality disorders.
I understand IHJ need to just be allowed to feel blah. The need for it to be okay for it to just be about her and I agree where you said that you can get aggrevated when others feel a need to make it "about them". Mentioned this same thing on my own thread recently.
IHJ the I hope the inner comfort thing you did today takes you away from the blahs soon.
Well, I'm sure your H personalizes it in a way that your dad never did because your HAS been the reason for your down moods at times. So it's perfectly natural for him to walk in, see that you are down and think, What did I do now??
Perhaps all that's needed is a little heads up from you..an email maybe..that says, I'm down today, just wanted you to know it's not you..I just need a little space.
Lil... You and Chrissy do seem to have an intuitive sense of what I need when I get the "downs." It would make life easier if my H were able to respond to me in the way I need, but I have been down this road more times with him than I care to admit. I think he is esp vulnerable to mood shifts because of his alcholic father; he loved being with his dad, who would unpredictably become an angry, abusive drunk, and H learned to detach. I understand better now what it entails for him to step forward when he sees me " not all there." H triggers for me scenes with my mother, who wanted me to be a certain way for her.
I don't know what's a typical 4, but I have a feeling I am a lot different from, for example, JJ's H, in that I am usually very upbeat, animated, smiley, etc....until I am not. It's like I am a rah-rah type person who can't sustain that, and then I get pensive, introsepctive, analytic, and to myself. I guess I see how this affects H, who depends on my enthusiasm and is so sensitive to my moods. The process I am trying to pull off is compassionate differentiation...trying to HOM and self comfort, communicate to betterto H instead having the usual disappointment, and gently having him look at his own reactions as well.
Anyway, Lil and Chrissy, thanks for your support... I feel better this am and will hopefully have a decent weekend.
Hmmm... how to say this tactfully... I don't know what a "typical" 4 is either, but JJ's H is not what I would consider a healthy 4. Within each of the enneagram types a person can fit along a spectrum from very healthy and functional down to self-destructive. His tendency to be whiny and mopey and to punish her by withdrawing are 4-ish, but at the unhealthy end of the spectrum. For example, the 1 at the healthy end of the spectrum is a beacon, non-judgmental but holding a form moral code, kind but firm, inspirational. Toward the other end, s/he becomes nit-picky, argumentative, blind to other people's POV, rigid and inflexible. The enneagram type has to do with your basic stance toward the world, which is part herditary and part learned (IMHO), but you can be either a saint or an a$$hole-- or anywhere in between-- within each type.
Honey... Yes, you are right...often times the negativity I am feeling does have something to do with him...he probably walks in the door, sizes me up and thinks, "WTF did I do now?"
I guess I am a bit weary of feeling responsible for his moods when I'm struggling enough with my own. And I am making him too responsible for my moods by wishing for a particlar response ( this part is harder to see).
I also feel this with my kids...feeling overly responsible for their happiness. I don't want them feeling overly responsible for mine.
Yet we all really do have a responsiblity towards each other, and to ourselves...it's hard to figure out the healhty balance in all this.
My suspicion is that he would absolutely want to help you with your moods if he knew for certain that it wasn't always *him* causing them, kwim?
Sometimes, too, I think a blue mood just hits me and then I go LOOKING for reasons why my husband is behind it. That has to be frustrating for him, as well.
Can you communicate with your H via email? I've found this to be a great tool with which to deal with these situations. I email him and tell him how I'm feeling and then it gives him some time to formulate his own strategy. Otherwise I think he drives home, excited to see me, and walks in the door to a sullen wife. Then his disappointment (at that sight) becomes my own, and makes me disappointed in him, and so on.
Quote: Yet we all really do have a responsiblity towards each other, and to ourselves...it's hard to figure out the healhty balance in all this.
Not to beat the enneagram to death, but it IS very useful. Remember that when the 4 is stressed and moves toward the unhealthy direction, s/he moves to 2. The unhealthy 2 is fused, codependent, i.e., feeling reponsible (or at least overly responsible) for other people's feelings and happiness. The healthy direction for 4 is toward 1-- "doing the right thing whether you feel like it or not." The 4 usually has to feel "in the mood" to do the things that need doing. The 1 stoically goes ahead, sticks to her/his guns no matter what mood s/he finds him/herself in. I know we're not supposed to imitate the healthy type; it's supposed to come from within and from growth and all that, but when I get really stuck, I find that I at least feel better about myself if I go through some 1-ish motions, e.g., do the stuff I've been dreading and putting off, whether it's chores or less tangible things.
If he walks through the door and looks at you and feels bad because you feel bad, you have to let that be HIS problem. You are not responsible for that. You DO have enough on your own plate to eat without making sure he eats what's on his plate.
The feeling of responsibility for other people's moods runs deep within me. I have become aware of this sense of responsiblity, and have to wrestle with it daily, especially where my W is concerned. She can be downright rude to me, but it's usually not because of me. It's usually because of something going on within her.
Once again, knowledge is power here. I know that I have this tendency to take responsiblity. I know I have to look at a situation as objectively as I can, in order to determine whether I am truly responsible for it, or just taking the blame because that's part of my personality.
