Quote: plan to call the counselor tomorrow and see if she can suggest someone for W to visit. Then I just have to convince her it is a good idea.
Don't do it. Your W will come to the decision to go to counseling or not on her own. If you start giving her names and trying to talk her into it you won't get anywhere. Take UDs advice and lay low and DB without pressure.
There is a undercurrent on all of this bb that counseling is some kind of cure all for the walk away. "If only I could get them to listen". I see that everywhere on here...I do not believe for one second that there is a miraculous quick fix that is going to set everything right. There is no "waking up". I bet you that your wife thinks that she is actually "awake" for the first time in years and it feels good to stand up for herself.
I would argue that at this stage when your W is angry and determined that counseling does more harm than good. I think there are two possibilities: 1) The counselor will take the pro-marriage side...to which she'll feel invalidated by the C and say "C just doesn't understand what I've been through" or it will just be more pressure, and then the WAW will quit going
or 2) the C will validate that your WA has a legitimate excuse for leaving and indicate the M is doomed. She'll feel better about her decision.
Either one of those sound attractive? Or do you think your W will go to C..vent all the reasons she's angry at you...the terrible things you've done to her all her life (including before you even met her)...and then just say "I feel better now...I love you so much...let's reconcile!!". That seems the least likely to me.
Okay, maybe I'm jaded, but C at this point is mainly to help you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
she said "no one wants someone in the midst of a divorce and everyone in the field knows about us." My response that we weren't divorced yet just drew a smirk.
The smirk was probably because your answer wasn't really an answer to what she was really saying, as your answer was your way of "fixing" the alleged problem. Not good validating, my friend.
She's likely really saying that she feels down, she feels powerless about getting a job. She was talking about her feelings. When women do that, they just want someone to listen, not fix.
and be anxious about what she is doing and I don't know if I could take it seeing her occasionally And seeing her dating OM would really be hard for me to take. I probably add to her confusion because with each step she takes towards D, I react I hope she sees the folly of her proposal It seems she is determined to maintain her depression. My W is clinging to her pain like it were some theraputic device to cleanse her of a demon. Then I just have to convince her
All these show that the focus is waaaaaaay too much on her. You're analyzing, making assumptions, making judgments, letting things get under your skin, trying to control... focus on you and forget about what she may be thinking and doing. First, it will help you boost your PMA to get off that track, secondly it will probably better your DBing efforts, because right now from what I read, you're not truly DBing if you're doing all this other thinking.
Meanwhile, as an engineer, I am wired to demand that things be correct and fit the correct pattern.
Well then, as an engineer, rewire yourself so that's not the case anymore. Have zero expectations as to what the "correct" pattern is.
She had me believing we were making progress up until Tuesday night.
Maybe you were. You make it sound as if she's out to trick you. That's you projecting onto her. You're blaming her for what you chose to conclude to believe from what was happening.
We ended up having a 2 hour convo, going down the same old paths. The very same things I admitted/validated repeatedly in the past came up again.
If you go down the same old paths, you'll get the same old results.
Nothing in your sitch is going to have an assist to help change for the better, unless you're just lucky, until you change first.
la esperanza and UD, point well taken. I see where a C session for W likley would be an error. I will see a C tomorrow for me. I went to see her back in March and she did help open my eyes some. It was when I found this BB and DR that I really began to work on myself.
Looking back, I can honestly say that I've made some significant improvements and W has noticed. Just "too little too late" in her view. I still backslide when she hits my "buttons" though and I've simply got to get better at controlling that. It is like she says X and I respond automatically, without thinking it through.
Like Tuesday night, she initiated the R discussion and I validated her statements but she was going over the same ground as the last dozen discussions. Do they ever get over the anger? I will just keep DB'ing and working on my techniques, and focus on the kids. I think you are correct and it is time for me to back way off and let her work things out in her own mind.
Hey NY, of course you are right. I just wish I could think that quickly on my feet.
She left this morning around 10:00 a.m. to look for a dress to wear to interviews. She cruised home tonight at 11:00 p.m. and went straight to bed. She never called and never checked on the boys to see if I was home and they were O.K. Yup, I was home except for a short run to the auto parts store. But she wouldn't know unless she called. So, 13 hours of shopping and she came home empty handed.
I'm working on my GAL for the rest of the weekend. I'm taking the boys to see War Of The Worlds tomorrow night and Monday night to the local AAA ball game and fire works. I have no proof but it is starting to feel like there is an OM involved here. If so, she has the opportunity to have a high old time for the next two days because I'll be busy with my twin boys (S15 X 2).
Haven't posted here in a while because I was hoping I wouldn't have to go beyond Newcomer. Too bad. Yesterday I was called out of a meeting to go to Personnel - sherrif deputy handed me a summons to divorce court. I surprised myself with how well I took it.
After work I went to the gym and did a hard workout and then home to make supper. W was sleeping - her method of avoiding uncomfortable situations is to sleep through them. When she got up afte rI had cleaned up the dishes etc. I was pleasant, said hi, told her there were leftovers in the fridge and went upstairs to the office to pay some bills. We didn't speak after that except when, just before she went to bed, I called her to give her a car insurance card for her van. She had a very pained look on her face.
To read the "complaint" against me, I would put me in jail and throw away the key. I sat somewhat agahst at the untruths in writing, signed by her and a notary. I guess her attorney felt he had to come up with some really bad stuff to make a D the correct answer.
I have an appointment with my attorney this afternoon. I can see this will get to be an expensive battle if I let it. I can't agree to the terms she has but it looks to me like this is the first extreme shot that is designed to get me to agree to something less draconian.
At this time I don't see any way to reach a reconciliation. I choose to ignore the lies in her complaint and consider them to be legal fabrications. I will not permit her to make me bitter and I will maintain my PMA as best I can. But hugging my kids and walking away from our home will be the hardest thing I have ever done.
Some have said that W's change their mind at the 11th hour and start working on the M. I don't think I can embrace that hope at this time, I have had too many disappointments of late. Perhaps sometime down the road I'll try, or perhaps after the D. Right now I don't feel the love I had for her just a few days ago.
Sorry to hear that. Your attitude is great though. I agree...maintain your PMA as well as possible and make sure you are there for your kids...through thick and thin. At least they won't be so quick to quit the R. Just keep being positive and happy, take care of yourself, and make sure you are doing what you need to do for you and if things fall into place with your wife then good for you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Spoke with my lawyer yesterday afternoon. His take: they are asking way too much and no court would ever fall for it. This is just their negotiating starting point.
He said, "Let's let them stew about this for a while, we've got 30 days to respond." He asked me if I thought we could reconcile and I said I hoped, but didn't know. He said to think about it and let him know in a couple of weeks. If I think we've got a chance of working things out he'll delay the conclusion of this 6 or 8 months. If it is going badly at home he'll close a deal quickly.
She was pleasant when I got home last night. I don't think she knows I have received the D papers yet, it takes a few days for the sherrif's report to work back through the system. She is probably awaiting an explosion but it an't gonna happen.
I have been advised previously on this BB, and I think it is true, that I have been focusing too much on her. I'm changing me, but then I focus on her to see if she reacts and she feels the pressure. I now detach and go on about making myself and my kids happy.
One problem...July 22 is our 18th anniversary. Do I do something? Nothing? Suggestions?
Don't do anything in terms of a gift or really even a card. Don't give her anything physical. Pour her a cup of coffee in the morning (if she drinks it or tea if that's her thing). Say "happy anniversary. Wish it was under better circumstances" and get your but to work. Just a thought. No flowers, etc.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Her health is taking a downturn again. Maybe my being home is impacting her health afterall. She went to the doctor today; she has come down with something. On the other hand, she hasn't been eating well at all. Since her gallbladder removal it seems various foods don't set well and she seem afraid to eat. She has gone from a size 14 5 months ago to a size 8 and still dropping.
Beyond that, she pretty much ignores me now at home. I am detaching and working on GAL and my kids. In a couple of weeks I'll get back with my lawyer and we'll decide how to proceed. Until then, PMA and GAL and see what happens.
Pretty rough weekend; the Ice Queen is in full force. General opinion on this BB has been do nothing for our anniversary. I think I may end up talking to my atty on that day - ironic.
Suggestions?