Had a pretty good weekend playing in a two day golf tournament. Had not played but a couple of times this season so I was still kind of tight and rusty. Both days it took the front 9 holes to get loose enough to get a full back swing. Once I did, my game fell into place. Unfortunately playing par golf for 9 of 18 holes puts you about mid-pack, but I had a good time anyway. In fact, I had too good a time after golf on Sunday. I'm still paying for it at lunch today
No contact with XW whatsoever. I'll stop at the house tomorrow night to pick up the mail that is still ending up there. If she's there, fine, but if not I don't think I'll be disappointed.
Some friends invited me to their house for Thanksgiving, which was very thoughtful of them. I hadn't thought about the holidays much, nor my birthday which is next Monday. There are some traditions that we practiced as a family over the last 18 years that will not happen now. This is going to be the tough part if I let it overcome my PMA. They left the invitation open ended...kind of "you may want to be alone, but if you don't just let us know. You are welcome."
Work has been a b!!!ch today. New boss wants to make an impression but after our first meeting the impression may be the back of his head against the wall After a day like this I would have stopped off on the way home so as to not upset everyone. Tonight I'll just go straight home and unwind. This PMA stuff requires constant attention!
AV8R, I rarely venture into threads outside of Surviving the D or Just for Fun, but today I did and found you. I never thought I'd be the one trying to tell others the things I least wanted to hear. Truth be told, it does get better. I know I hated being told that in the beginning but my D was 1 year ago last week. And I'm happier than I've been in years. I still have lonely moments, but I have rediscovered who I am and what I enjoy doing.
I have three daughters, 14, 13, and 3. My ex and I have finally reached a point that we can be cordial with one another and the idea of him with other women is only mildly irritating, but not at all unbearable. I know in the beginning I cried several times a day, but now I cannot remember the last time he made me cry.
You are a strong man and you will do very well. have faith.. you are in the right place. The DBing may not have saved my marriage, but it saved me and made me a better person because I know I did everything possible to save it.
Cheer up and welcome to the world of Surviving the D. Rhonda my thread is in Surviving under "who'd have thought I'd ever be happier" or something along that line. I don't post so much anymore, so I've forgotten how to insert a link Chin up, chest out, you will be happy again
People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within.
My kids came over to my place for dinner Sunday night. With today being my birthday they brought me a present and D18 baked a cake. We had a very pleasant evening playing cards and talking.
From their description of the goings on at the house it sounds as if XW is having some difficulty. The kids said they are mostly eating carry-out pizza or tacos. She hasn’t been cooking much. Of course, between soccer practice, bell choir and school, everyone isn’t home at the same time so it is hard setting meal times. But we did handle this better in the past.
But I have a question for the BB. I received an e-card from my XMIL and a regular card and present from the kids, but nothing from XW. Not that I really expected anything since I think she is still angry and bitter. But her birthday is 3 weeks away and I’m wondering how I should handle that. A simple card (which, if she reads the return address, will probably get tossed in the trash) or some flowers at work? A cell phone text message? I don’t think I should ignore her birthday but I don’t want to go overboard
You're right - seems like she's still incredibly angry. Even tho she may have chosen to D, she's mad at you for it. Time will help to lessen this. In the meanwhile, I'm going to go against the typical flow of advice on the board, and suggest that you get her something small but meaningful for her BDay. This is a form of taking the high road, and should help to lessen some of her anger.
Consider something just for her - like a massage certificate, or s/t that you know about her in terms of tastes/interests that not many others are aware of.
For now, both you and the kids are going to suffer from the fallout of the D, as she unravels a bit. Keep taking great care of yourself, and shower your kids with love as much as you can, offering to be with them more often to your W, not mentioning that it is to give her a break, but knowing that she'll need this time to do so.
Right now, focus on building peace b/t the two of you, trusting that a possible friendship may lead her back to you.
thanks Gabe and Scotti. Hey Scotti, are you checking up on us? Haven't heard from you in a while. Oh yeah, I've been absent too.
This stupid D thing has had one seemingly positive effect - my bambinos seem to be maturing faster than I expected. They were over for dinner again last night. Good conversation, grades are gettin back where they belong at school. S15#1 started to complain about some trivial thing XW did and I turned that around. "She's working hard to support you guys; yeah, I'm helping, but she's doing alot more than she used to have to. Cut her some slack and think about how you COULD BE HELPING instead of whining". After further discussion I think he is beginning to get the idea that I'm not going to let him get away with bitching.
Yup, I still love her and I think I understand how hard it is for her to do it all. I find no solice in the fact that "she asked for it". The kids need to do their share and they can't run to me and avoid the responsibility.
I'm following Gabe's suggestions and trying to gently move her into a more friendly atmosphere. I haven't even heard her voice for a month, so we are really detached. I think she needs the space and I'll give her all the room she wants. I may test the waters after the holidays and see how she reacts. Meanwhile, it is GAL.
Bummer weekend! Stopped by the house to pick up S15#1 since he and I had scheduled time together to watch a college football game. Pulled in the driveway and there was a FOR SALE sign in the center of the lawn She is selling the house I know it isn't any of my business any longer, but the first thought was about where is she moving and how far will I have to travel to see my kids.
When S15#1 jumped into the truck I pulled away and asked him what the story was. As usual, she hadn't confided too much in the kids. she is just selling because she can't afford to re-finance (part of the D was she had 6 months to get my name off the deed and mortgage). The kids don't know where they'll be moving but they absolutely don't want to move out of town. The boys are sophomores in high school and D18 is a freshman in college. They need to stay put for at least the next few years.
I have to admit, even though I am supposed to be over this, seeing the for sale sign hit me in the gut Almost like she was making a statement that I'm out of her life and that's it.
I didn't sleep worth a darn last night because this was eating me up. Same feeling like I had when she dropped the bomb in February and when I realized no matter how hard I DB'd I couldn't turn the sitch around, in September.
This has deflated my PMA a bit, but I know I'll get used to it and bounce back again. But, with Thanksgiving and her birthday over the next week, this is making it hard. I'll be at friends' house for dinner Thursday, but I'll have to work hard on my happy face . I'll not be carving the turkey, I'll not be wrestling with the boys or watching the football games with them. The kids will come to my place Thursday night and that will be nice, but not the way it is supposed to be. Not the way is has been for the last 18 Thanksgivings.
The rest of the weekend is open right now. Not sure how I'm going to cope; I was doing so well until now. I can see Christmas is going to be really tough. With the entire week between Christmas and New Years off, I'd better find someplace out of town to occupy my time.
I'd better read DR again; I need some encouragment
Those gut kicks are hard to take, whenever they come. (((AV8R)))
Can you do much flying this time of year? Wouldn't it help your PMA to spread your wings and soar?
Things won't be the way they always have been for years, you are absolutely right. So make new traditions, make it a great start for you and your kids, they are learning from you how to move forward in life.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm sorry about the house. That stinks! I feel sorry for all of you, and it seems like no one really wanted that to happen.
You have a great attitude right now toward your XW, including giving her space and doing well with distance. I'm taking notes from you! Baking her up even when she's not present (kid's whining about her) and coaching your son about how to help her is golden. Nicely done! I like WCW's advice about setting up new traditions and helping the kids learn from you in terms of coping.
After a day like this I would have stopped off on the way home so as to not upset everyone. Tonight I'll just go straight home and unwind. This PMA stuff requires constant attention! 
Bummer weekend! Stopped by the house to pick up S15#1 since he and I had scheduled time together to watch a college football game. Pulled in the driveway and there was a FOR SALE sign in the center of the lawn 
I know it isn't any of my business any longer, but the first thought was about where is she moving and how far will I have to travel to see my kids. 
But, with Thanksgiving and her birthday over the next week, this is making it hard. I'll be at friends' house for dinner Thursday, but I'll have to work hard on my happy face 
. I'll not be carving the turkey, I'll not be wrestling with the boys or watching the football games with them. The kids will come to my place Thursday night and that will be nice, but not the way it is supposed to be. Not the way is has been for the last 18 Thanksgivings.