I guess I'm in transition at this point. I have been posting on Newcomer because I had hope. I was DB'ing like mad and actually thought I recognized some baby steps. I thought I was making progress.
Brief history: W 49, Me 57, D17, S15#1, S15#2 "The bomb" was dropped on me February 10, 2005. This past Tuesday she handed me a blue folder with the divorce papers from her lawyer.
She had health problems that are just about cleared up. Lost her job due to her health but looks like she has landed a good one starting July 5. So, the divorce paperwork that had been on her attorney's computer with just the dates blank since March was completed and dumped in my lap.
We are still living together, but she wants me out by July 1. Told her that would be too soon but I will take the paperwork to my attorney and we would review and comment.
At this point it feels like she has been playing me along just to keep her meal ticket until she was ready to move me out. For this reason I'm not so sure this forum is the right place for me . I don't want to be "done", but I think that decision has been made for me.
I just don't see me stopping the D and I don't know if I could take it seeing her occasionally and not being married. And seeing her dating OM would really be hard for me to take. There aren't alot of areas for entertainment here and it would be quite likely we would run into each other in the "dating scene".
So, fellow DB'rs, how are you handling the sitch after D? Are you still trying to win back you S or have you given up? Anyone see any success stories that yield even a ray of hope
Sorry for your situation. We'll do our best to answer. At least we're all in the same situation....or most of us are...divorced or soon divorced.
Quote: So, fellow DB'rs, how are you handling the sitch after D? Are you still trying to win back you S or have you given up? Anyone see any success stories that yield even a ray of hope
The decision to quit on this has been available to you since she dropped the bomb. You chose to DB and the divorce apparently wasn't busted. There is an undercurrent in this area of the bb that our WAS sees D as a remedy, a relief, something that HAS to be done for their independence. The result is what matters, not the effect of their actions. Quite a few of us have found that once the D has been finalized, especially if you handle it well, that our ex-spouse may be even more open than before. It is in fact easier sometimes to DB when the pressure has been released. They can see your actions as genuine. And it's easier on you...you no longer have to worry about being divorced because you are. By continuing to DB you have nothing to lose.
Every other week or so I say I've given up, but I'm faithfully here most days. That's what this place is for. At the very least we can offer support when you're down or a different perspective on what you are feeling/seeing. But this board is for those who refuse to give up the ghost. The fact that you even posted on this site indicates to me that you belong. Many on here have pessimism mixed with hope.
So what do you want to do? Divorce is not the end all. It can be the start of a new better R. Really what you want is a R with your wife, right? Your hope was that D wouldn't happen, but it's just a piece of paper saying you're not married, doesn't say anything about having a continuing R that can eventually become a new M.
Btw, why do you have to leave the house? She's wants a D, why doesn't she move out?
In response to the last question. There is a thread called piecing after D started by JJ that has a success story. And if you check on my thread you can see a story from this morning of getting back together after D. This could be a long process though.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Too bad you are where you are. Wes makes some very sound points. Considering your W's age she certainly could be having an MLC. There are several books on this subject. It is a long, crazy process and you will have to stay patient and focus on yourself in dealing with it.
There are success stories even after D scattered here and there. They tend to be few, in my opinion, because the LBS gives up and moves on. But then I may be crazy .
The people on this forum are positive and supportive but ultimately you have to draw on your own inner strength, convictions, and your love for yor WAW to keep you going. Suffice it to say that every week or so, even every day, I go through phases of anger and frustration at my WAW, but when I see her I feel how deeply I love her and I also feel a great deal of compassion for her suffering. And I have a D3 that I want to protect. So those are my main reasons for continuing to stand my ground after 2 years. It has been a ride through hell for me and no end in sight in the immediate future. I am not expecting any miracles or "aha" moments from my W. Progress has been glacial, and sporadic so far, but I know deep inside that she still does care about me and she knows it too. That is all I have to go on.
You need to reflect and decide what you want to do. And then follow the path that you have chosen. You are going to get upset and angry and you can always vent here.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Thanks for the posts and the good advice. You both are right in that I really haven't given up. I'm too stubborn for that I suppose.
I probably add to her confusion because with each step she takes towards D, I react and then quickly return to DB'ing. When she handed me the copy of the paperwork her lawyer prepared I told her I would discuss them with my lawyer. I will see him Friday afternoon. One of the things I may suggest is exactly what Wes mentioned: she wants the D, let her move out. But in the end, regardless who lives in our house and who doesn't, I'll miss her and be anxious about what she is doing. I'm rambling and have much more thinking to do. She had me believing we were making progress up until Tuesday night.
< Stolen & Modified from one of your earlier posts > In the end we may answer for greatly assisting the train onto the wrong track but we did not participate in the final wreck.
It is easy to give up but If for any reason you will not be responsible for busting the Vows. It is the hard thing to keep DBing and most often discourging. You will be the much better for it.
I saw my W string along her X (neither our first Ms) like a violin for two years. Just a good ole boy. In my sitch Once Hizhoner busts my vows I'll concentrate on D11, be civil, live close but not too close to have frequent interaction, and work on serving. In short move on. Lots of competition for leaders but the servant field is wide open and serving is a darn good bandage. Reading "The Street Lawyer" by John Grisham Serving myself got me in this fine mess.
Best Wishes from LA.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Well, I had to respond to W's D paperwork so last night I worked one up. Left it for her this morning and expect quite an interesting evening tonight. Basically I said I wasn't in agreement with what she and her attorney proposed, and she could either join me in seeing a MC, or move out once she finds employment. I would keep the house and custody of the kids. I know that won't fly, but I had to respond within 5 working days and I streatched it to the max. Her offer pretty much sent me packing with my truck and my hat and paying a bundle for child support. Da$$$t, she's the one who wants to dissolve an 18 year long marriage, why do I have to be encumbered with a heavy debt load so she can enjoy single life.
I hope she sees the folly of her proposal but I won't hold my breath.
Did they file that paperwork with the court or just say if you don't respond they'll file it with the court as is? Do you have an attorney? Sounds like since she's reaching for the stars that you will have a hard time acheiving much compromise.
If possible try to circumvent the attorneys. Talk it over like adults. Getting lawyers in the middle will only make it harsh and painful.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
la_esperanza, No, they didn't file the D, it is a no-contest kind of thing and they were giving me 5 working days to respond before they began working on a complaint.
She was very subdued when I got home after work. We ended up having a 2 hour convo, going down the same old paths. The very same things I admitted/validated repeatedly in the past came up again. Bottom line, she isn't interested in MC or C of any kind. The only positive thing to come out of the convo was that she agrees that she can't pursue the D until she finds a job. Times are tough in this area. She works in the medical field and she said "no one wants someone in the midst of a divorce and everyone in the field knows about us." My response that we weren't divorced yet just drew a smirk.
It seems she is determined to maintain her depression. She says there is no way things will ever work out for us and a C can't help. She says she "is dead inside" and feels nothing for me. Time for LRT I guess. Have to think it through and figure out what to do.
Something struck me today. My W is clinging to her pain like it were some theraputic device to cleanse her of a demon. She is holding on to her anger with me for things I didn't do or that she expected me to do but failed. This is almost like she is building a case for the D in spite of the fact that many of her complaints are based on faulty assumptions. "Don't confuse me with the facts". It is apparent that giving her proof that her assumptions are in error just dirves her further away. Meanwhile, as an engineer, I am wired to demand that things be correct and fit the correct pattern. Let me tell you, that is a serious handicap in dealing with my W.
Within a week of her dropping the bomb I went to counseling and begged her to go as well. I plan to call the counselor tomorrow and see if she can suggest someone for W to visit. Then I just have to convince her it is a good idea. Suggestions:
This is classic of the WAW. They will focus on the very worst moments of your M. They will also rewrite history to a great extent. they need that to justify their actions. anything you do now to try to "fix" her or the M will backfire on you (take it from a fellow engineer, I was doing exactly the same thing as you are). I even implored her to go to counselling. It backfired. She had so much anger the counselor actually threw us out after 5 sessions. This gave W the idea that the M was irrepairable. Later on she said "we tried everything, including counseling and it did not work". I dont think, if your W is in the anger phase, there is much that can be done except to validate her, do not defend yourself, be happy and upbeat around her (this is extremely hard) and do not pressure her. If you can, perhaps "engineer" a separation rather than a divorce. Then start DBing like hell. I dont know. That is just may take on it. You may want to talk to a DB coach to see what they say. Best wishes.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
was completed and dumped in my lap.
. I don't want to be "done", but I think that decision has been made for me.
.
