HP, Well, I do hear ya sister! I was just trying to point out that you both have a lot of crap on your plates, so not to expect everything to be ideal. Look on the bright side though, even though the sex isn't what you'd like it to be, you have said it is better. More importantly, look how far you two have come in the past year with your being able to talk to each other. You are "Having fun and enjoying each other". HP, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I truely admire what I know of your relationship with MrHP. You've got a lot to be proud of, and who knows, the road may still lead where you want it to go...as your communication improves, you might find him getting more lightbulb moments.
--GGB, Feeling like a bit of an idjot himself, but I'll journal that elsewhere when I have some time.
We do have a lot to be proud of. We can talk about things, we ML frequently, we rarely fight and laugh together every day, we have a sense of being a 'team'...well, things are so good that he thinks we should give marriage seminars to other folks!
I am anxious for the day when he is able to show desire to me. Even small things.
If this day is on the horizon, I can easily keep going--we DO have a good life together. If this day is not on the horizon, then I will sink into my resigned disillusionment and stay there forever.
I cannot believe that this guy who would do anything for me can't find it in himself to compliment me or feel me up or kiss me. I am so easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that I have aired this resentment, it's time for me to start getting a grip on it. Thanks for the reminder of how far we've come. We truly have. I look back at some of my early posts and I was one angry chick. He alternated between anger and ass-kissing. It wasn't pretty.
Ok, back to work. Can't leave D3 alone for an instant these days. She drew on her eyelids with black marker yesterday. I told H she would fit right in with the goth teenagers at the mall.
No HP, no resigned disillusionment. You said it so very well before: you've made it to good. I know you're hoping for great, but you have good. And good is good.
That's exactly where I am and exactly why I changed my name to being a content Bube. I, too, want great. But I have good, and when I'm honest with myself, good is, after all, still good.
Quote: He does not remember the frequency--or even have a close approximation of what it was--but he has lamented the fact, several times, that I have changed and am not as aggressive as I once was.
Quote: What if you had to act like a woman in order to ML? Would you be okay with doing that for the rest of your life?
Since I’m not sure what you mean by acting like a woman, I don’t know how to answer that. I know you well enough to know that you want to see spontaneous desire and that you want to be pursued. I know that you want MrHP to bring the heat and the passion to the encounter at least half of the time – to light the fuse so to speak. If that’s being like a woman, then yes, I would be fine with that. I want to see desire from W. I want her pursue me, but like you, I’m a sure thing. I want her to bring at least an equal measure of heat and passion to our SL.
I know that this is getting off of the immediate subject, but your question got me thinking. Strange though it may seem, W is almost diametrically opposed to what I perceive as my ideal sex partner. Physically, I prefer average women: I like average height, I prefer an average to slightly reubenesque build over either thin or thick(?), I prefer breasts in the small to medium range, and although it doesn’t fit into the average category, I’ll admit to a penchant for redheads. W is five foot zero, weighs more than I do, was a DD-cup even before she started packing on the weight, and she had dark brown hair before it went completely grey in her late 20s. (It’s been colored a medium brown for years.)
But appearance is nothing when compared to non-physical factors. In that area, I want someone who enjoys frequent sex and who will seek it out. I want someone who will loosen up and enjoy the occasion. I want someone who sees sex as being fun. I want someone who is sexually confident and who is comfortable in her skin. What I have is just the opposite. W does enjoy the sex when she wants it, and on those occasions, she will seek it out, but that’s pretty infrequent. With all the rules you already know about, I don’t need to tell you that loosening up doesn’t appear to be in the cards. Sex between us is usually fairly mechanical and almost never fun. She has no sexual confidence, and seems uncomfortable with skin in general – hers or anybody else’s.
Like MrsGGB, W finds sex distasteful. She will do it, if what we do falls within her rules, but there always seems to be an undercurrent of unease and/or distaste. She doesn’t like sex or nudity in movies or books and frequently complains about it. She skips the sex scenes in books. She fast forwards through them on videos or DVDs. She invariably complains about them when she doesn’t have that option and almost always makes some disparaging remark about the bodies of the people involved. She goes to beaches in Europe and complains about the topless women. Definitely not comfortable with skin – regardless of whose skin it is.
I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but like I said, your question got me thinking. It kind of brings to mind an exchange between Gaston and LeFou in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast:
Gaston: LeFou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.. LeFou: A dangerous pastime… Gaston: I know.
Well, I suppose because I have never been, historically speaking, the sexual aggressor of the R. That was always his role. Then he emotionally abandoned me as he was going through his self-titled vocational crisis. During the time that we were actively repairing our M, as opposed to what we are doing now which I would categorize as purposeful maintenance, I was the sexual aggressor. We were getting things "back on track".
I foolishly ASSumed that this meant we were going back to the way things were before the vocational crisis. He chalked most of his behavior up to the VC, as well as the changes caused by our 3 children, so I added the un-said part: ....so now that the VC is taken care of, and the children are, well, here and we are in a routine with them, we will hereafter go back to the traditional gender roles with which we both entered this R.
He, I'm thinking, had his own un-said amendment which went something like: Now that I have seen how aggressive she can be, I like it and it takes away a responsibility that I never cared for, anyway. So she can have it! Gosh DARN my life is good.
(ok I added that last part )
So that's my answer.
P.S. SD, I have been reading up on your thread, learning all the players' names and just what in the hay-ell is going on in your life. As soon as I feel I have it all straight, I will commence my usual butt-in-age.
P.P.S. Hairy, I did not take photos as I figured this would encourage more of the same behavior. Alas, she drew on her leg with a green marker not 3 hours later so I shoulda just taken the pics! She is being SUCH a handful lately. H doesn't know what to do with her but she is a spitting image of him--both in looks and personality--so I don't feel too sorry for him.
Quote: He, I'm thinking, had his own un-said amendment which went something like: Now that I have seen how aggressive she can be, I like it and it takes away a responsibility that I never cared for, anyway. So she can have it! Gosh DARN my life is good.
My bf said to the C one time, "Well, back then she initiated all the time and it was working, so why can't we just go back to that?"
HP, I guess it is time to talk with him about where you see it heading and where you'd like it to go. Hard, I know. But...the more your talk about these hard things in a loving non-confrontational manner, the easier it will become. I can't help but to think that as he learns you inside and out that he won't start doing more to please you. He's gotta feel what you are feeling first though. So when are you going to WWME?
---GGB, who is realizing if he could follow his own advice, he'd be getting along a bunch better too. That talking thing is hard when you gotta keep it loving, eh?
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