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I have a lot of anger issues too. What works for me is to just keep my lips zipped no matter how angry I am feeling. Once the emotions have reduced in intensity, I rethink the situation and most often, I don't feel the need to say anything.

Of course, there are still plenty of times when I do end up spewing forth. But I think my family finds it easier to forgive and forget if that happens once a week rather than 5 times a day.

The longer I do this, the easier it is becoming. Also - I have realized that there are times when its okay to say things in anger. For examples, if it is something that puts one of the kids in danger.

Julie

Hi Honey!

I'm slow to the party, but this is a story I understand all too well...

I've read a few books on anger, as I've been told all along that I "have anger issues". Huh? If they weren't doing things that didn't pi$$ me off, I wouldn't get angry!

Seriously, I did start this tutorial with Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger. Very good read. Then one day, my adopted mom walked into my office unannounced and set down a CD set on my desk. She quickly turned around to exit and looked back at me and said, "Let's talk when you're done."

It took a few weeks for me to listen. BTW, you can buy them at a reasonable price at Fr. Allender's website. I've recommended them to other folks here and I have to tell you that nothing (and I mean nothing) educated me like this set. Each CD is an hour long. Not preachy and although the seminar is given to a group of Catholics, it's not a Catholic subject IYKWIM?

The seminar is co-chaired with a married father who knows what our paths are like. It was the best $35 investment I ever made. Bar none.

To sum it up? (And I love this saying so much that it's tattooed on my brain now.) ANGER IS ABOUT HOW I FEEL, NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR SAYING.

D11 has told me countless times since then that I've made incredible progress on this front. Once you realize why you are angry, you can better handle how you choose to react.

Hope this helps. And if you want to chat about it offline, feel free to e-mail me at underdog_dbatyahoodotcom.

Hugs!

Betsey

Hey Bets!
Thanks for the reminder. I remember reading about that when you got the CD's. They sound great.
You know, I've made so much progress on this front that part of me is arrogantly thinking, I don't really need this....
But that's just cause no one is pissing me off at this moment!

MrHP has anger issues too, though his anger is very different from mine. I think we could both benefit from these tapes. Btw, is it called "Transcending your Anger"?

I saw a lot of good ones on the site. Thanks for the recommendation. Let me know, if you have a chance, which set it was and I'll let you know how it goes.

Btw, this is for Journey, if you read this honey. I still have your MWD dvd and we have not started it. I was waiting for things to get ironed out with MrHP's job. It seemed like a baad time to start a marriage seminar so we agreed to wait until after he finds a new job. Didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about your generous loan!

Hiya Honey!

I thought I had learned everything I needed to know about anger too... until I listened to the CDs. LOL. I learned that I don't know much!

Yes, the set I have is called Transcending our Anger. I have lent them to Mr. W. as well, because the 4th CD discusses P/A in great detail. Fr. Allender doesn't take himself seriously, and his cheerful yet humble demeanor comes shining through a very serious message.

N (my adopted mom) said her favorite set is "God Loves an Unmade Bed". I still have to listen to those, as they are about allowing ourselves to fall short of perfection and live happily. Uh, you think as moms we might need that?

Hope that helps, and I hope you get as much out of them as I did. I also referred Minnie to them, and she said they were very helpful to her as well.

Wishing you well and hope you're having a dynamite summer. I can hardly wait for my own vacation. I'm trying hard not to allow myself to bring self help books, but I seriously doubt I'll be able to live up to that promise. Man, I have really got to get a grip...

Betsey

Just to add my 10cents too!
I have dealt or rather avoided dealing with my anger for years.
I would just blow up, sometimes get violent.
There was so much baggage inside and I didn't know what do do with it.
I started EMDR with my therapist, it has been a Godsend.
The anger is gone!!!
I no longer feel any type of rage, I get mad, but nothing like before.
I do not over-react to things, and I have learned to become vulnerable and cry if I am upset, rather then lashing out.
My marriage is on the rocks because I contributed alot of my anger to it.
I could never express myself properly, would get frustrated and blow my top!!
The postive thing about my marriage right now, is that we have learned how to communicate and talk about stuff.
My H is feeling much safer as he isn't always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't mean to butt in, however right after my WAH left, I went to a local therapist and she suggested the same Harriett Lerner book. Although I found it to be a good read, it felt too man-hating for my taste. I think I'll check out the site you noted and look into the CD's.

Dear Fellow Anger Managers,

I would like to opine that anger management is not the same as anger elimination. At times, anger is downright necessary. Nevertheless, when I started to see that W and I were almost always angry at each other, I saw that something had to change.

I beleive that the best way to manage anger is to unwind onesself. Right now, as I happily type away, I am relaxed, so it is unlikely that anything could send me into a fury. Nevertheless, infuriating events can occur at nearly any time. Whether such events can have the effect of inciting an angry response is primarily a function of my tightness just before the event.

For example, the other night, my W said something about wanting to move to the suburbs. I have been resisting such a move for years due to the fact that it would greatly increase the length of my daily commute. I shot back at her that her comment was BS, yadda, yadda. I had been tight, tighter than I even realized. Immediately I wished I hadn't said it. But W was calm so she let it go. Later that night, she stayed up talking past 1:30, and it finally dawned on me that she might like to ML. And we did!

Do I have a point here? Maybe it is that it takes two to tangle, and if you have deposits in the emotional bank, then the occasional outburst can be forgiven.

Paul, dad of M and K

Yes, you are right.
Anger is OK, if you know how to handle it properly and not let it get out of control.

Update:
I think Cemar may have been onto something when he said that MrHP's reaction to initiating is off and he should seek out sex therapy. While I think that's a little extreme, I will say this: MrHP is more afraid of initiating than I ever realized.
Last week we had sex on Thurs. Nothing on Fri night and by Saturday I was rarin to go. We had had a lovely time together on Fri and Sat so that really got me going. When H is home on the weekends, I usually enjoy him so much that I inevitably want to ML. Usually he views this time as his "relaxing" time and he'd rather watch a movie, etc.
We climbed into bed late Saturday night and were kissing and touching. Then he fell asleep. I was disappointed and, well, disgusted.

I woke up in a foul mood. I did my best to shake it off but remnants of it were clinging to me all day. The lightbulb moment came when I thought to myself, I wish he'd stop avoiding this..it's been brewing all day.
Then I realized, DUH, I'm avoiding it too by being just a little standoffish and cold so that he knows something is wrong. I'm playing a GAME here and waiting for him to come to me. He aint the only one avoiding, in other words!

I was SO happy with his next words: "Why didn't you say anything last night??"
I was expecting the usual "What's the matter?" etc, when he knows darn well what's the matter. I rarely get mad or irritated with him and this is the only sore spot we as a couple even have. It is ALWAYS what's the matter.
So the fact that he jumped right into it without playing the usual game made me feel so good and so proud of him (for some weird reason). All of my resentment just faded away, right then and there. The kids interrupted and we did not get to finish our convo.

A little while later we talked it over and I explained to him that he fell asleep on me which is why I didn't "say" anything. He blurted out, "I really wanted sex last night. But at the same time, I felt so scared and I couldn't go through with it."
HP: Scared of what?
MrHP: I don't know...Unless I know that you really want it, I just can't proceed with it.
HP: But I usually want it, right, so I don't understand where the 'fear' is coming into it.
MrHP: I even laid awake, later in the night, wanting you, but I couldn't do anything about it.
HP: Why don't you just say something if you feel too scared to DO anything?
MrHP: Yeah I guess I could do that. (sounding as if this is the first time I've ever mentioned this)

Then we dropped it and went on to have a lovely day and night together.

Yesterday he started his new job and it is the worst job he's ever had, bar none. Isn't that the pits. He was describing the conditions and my eyes kept getting wider and wider, it is such a dump. Poor MrH, is all I have to say!

Life goes on, I guess is the moral of the story. I was surprised how fast and easy resolution was to this last bump in the road. THAT felt good.
There are times when I feel really positive about this fact and then the other times I lament the fact that we are STILL having the damn bumps crop up.

Take care all!

Honeypot