Quote: ...here you've got a guy who has his hands on my *****, he is hard, we are not tired, we have a strong EC from talking, we are both naked.
This is pretty mind boggling... just as mind boggling as a couple of years ago, we were out here at my house, no one around for miles. I was sitting on a swing and bf walked over. I unzipped him and proceeded to suck him. He was enjoying it, making the appropriate noises and saying, "Gee, babe, that feels real good," etc. Then after a few minutes he pulls out, zips up, and goes back to working in the yard. No further interest for the rest of the afternoon or that night, either.
I agree with the discussion about LD/HD having to do with the way you identify yourself. My bf had some skewed sexual stuff around him when he was growing up and I know he made a conscious decision not to be like other guys. He prides himself on not being a typical guy. He was a SAH dad when his kids were little, he cooks, he loves to shop, and yet he projects such an aura of masculinity that people who know us would be stunned if they knew there's zero in the bedroom. I think I've established that he's not gay... although I know that gay men came on to him when he was a teen... one of them was an uncle. Anyway, I think he looked around and saw that Sex spells Trouble with a capital T and decided to exercise extreme control... similar to Honey's H. He decided he just wasn't going to be the so-called typical guy who's always after pu$$y. And now that's part of his identity that's set in concrete. Someone hand me a stick of dynamite!
Regarding the W who ignored her H at the pool: I think IHJ referred to this, but I also believe there should be a certain "level of civility" in a home. Which means that you greet people when you come in and say goodbye when you leave, with a hug or kiss if appropriate. That you eat some meals together sitting at the table and you usually don't get up and leave if someone is still eating. That you never call each other names or use the "f-word" AT each other, no matter HOW heated the argument gets. (You can say, "That f-head cut me off in traffic today!" but you can't say, "YOU are a f-head!") To ignore your partner, spouse, or even roommate when they come home or show up where you are is soooo rude and mean. I think when you start to drop below this level of civility, it creates a... searching for the right words... low-class, crude, disrespectful, and actually unkind emotional atmosphere in the house and it's bad for everyone.
Quote: Lately, I've been considering a mental 180 on the "leverage" issue which reverses the usual marital sexual economics. Instead of thinking of sex as something I have to "pay" my LD partner for in some form, I could consider sex as something my partner "owes" me and if I don't receive it I should get compensation. For instance, on each occasion I don't get laid 2x a week, I should take $50 from his bank account and spend it on something fun just for me. If he doesn't put out he can pay up.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
and then they retire and are around 24/7. Right or wrong, mostly wrong, you/your space is violated constantly with interuptions. All of a sudden you get how to run a house now that he's here. I had more time when D was in kindergarden, and there was no bus service so you were constantly driving and trying to plan errands for 2.5 hrs so you didnt waste the drive into town.
I definately am guilty of "snubbing". Who knows the couple at the pool may have just had a blow up and not cooled off yet...
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
RE: Lil
He decided he just wasn't going to be the so-called typical guy who's always after pu$$y .
I can understand not wanting to be like some typical guys (I did the same thing as a teenager and when I was in my early 20's, to to an extent Lil)
but
He was enjoying it, making the appropriate noises and saying, "Gee, babe, that feels real good," etc. Then after a few minutes he pulls out, zips up, and goes back to working in the yard I don't understand this part.
Although I really don't talk to other guys about BJ's, I can't imagine a guy that gets half way there just dropping the opportunity. I can understand switching from a BJ to IC and kissing, especially to give something back to you. I would imagine a woman wants something in return and if they don't get it they quit giving.
Could it be he was worried if he got something from you he felt he had to return the favor? Some people just do not want to "owe" anyone anything or maybe he felt like he had nothing to give so he felt he couldn't take the gift from you. I know I feel uncomfortable recieving a gift sometimes if I don't have anything I can give back at some point in time.
Have you ever been to a birthday party where the host said no gifts and you knew if you brought one anyway you would not be invited to the next birthday party? This is kind of a reverse of the above but might apply in some cases.
Does he think oral is not a proper form of sexual expression, chicken to do it to you, or does he think the only good sex has to involve a hard penis? I suspect his ED really sends him mixed messages along with the messages he formed throughout his life.
The more I learn, strangness seems to be almost normal because people vary so much.
Quote: If only there were a hardcore Catholic man who was head over heels in love with his wife who could gently make jokes about it, all in a context of sacrificial love. Now THAT would pique his curiosity! GGB, when are ya moving to Misery. lol
I'm flattered HP, but I've been to StLouis, and well how do I say this delicately...it ain't my first pick of places to live. My sister lived in Belleville IL several years ago, even bought a house there. Her H is still active duty AF, so they get moved around a bit. So anyway, been there but not to live. I'll actually be in MO (lake of the ozarks), in a few weeks for a convention, but I somehow doubt I would run into your H there (besides, I wouldn't know him if I did).
Nevertheless, I suspect I'd get along OK with MrHP... provided he didn't figure out that I knew you from talking about our sex lives, LOL.
RE LostGal and then they retire and are around 24/7. Get him a Cooking for Singles" cookbook and let him be the chef. That might give him something to do.
You're scaring me . I really admire the people on this BB who are trying to deal with this problem at stages in their lives when I don't feel like I'd be brave enough. I think I was too chicken to deal with it when my kids were little and I think I'd be too chicken to deal with it when I had been married for multiple decades and was dealing with aging issues. I feel like warning all the younger HDW who are still deeply mired in family life that any compromise they make now regarding this issue is likely to need serious renegotiation at midlife and I feel like all the older couples on the BB offer a sort of warning to me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well if you found STL to be ugly, and without any natural beauty, then you and MrH would be great friends. LOL
He is an outdoorsman and I suspect we will head for the hills if (when) he gets a better job.
Enjoy the convention at the Lake! There is some beautiful scenery around there, but unfortunately some greedy businessman had the brilliant idea to turn it into a tourist attraction many years ago. Now it is rife with bumper cars and putt putt golf. Blech. Oh and in the summer time there are lots of drunken women riding around in their boats, doing unspeakable things with their swimsuit tops, but something tells me you won't find that as disconcerting as I do.
Lou, re your questions about the BJ in the Yard-- he's not against bj's, in fact, that's about all we do (when we do anything) because of the ED issues. He is different from the men I have known in the past in that he does not seem to feel any need to reciprocate after the bj.
I think the issues is closer to what Honey describes... he just wants to control himself. Maybe he thinks that if he gets to Doing It and Liking It a lot, somehow he'll be in my power. Maybe this ties in with his refusal to do ANYTHING on my schedule unless he thought of it first. OIW a huge control issue.
That might give him something to do.
. I really admire the people on this BB who are trying to deal with this problem at stages in their lives when I don't feel like I'd be brave enough. I think I was too chicken to deal with it when my kids were little and I think I'd be too chicken to deal with it when I had been married for multiple decades and was dealing with aging issues. I feel like warning all the younger HDW who are still deeply mired in family life that any compromise they make now regarding this issue is likely to need serious renegotiation at midlife and I feel like all the older couples on the BB offer a sort of warning to me.