Jo, I see where you are really hurt and lonely. I also see where you are getting back at andy (not replying to his statements, getting rid of the old furniture) but I also see where you are digging a deeper hole you wil eventually have to climb out of. (not giving a short reply to Andy one of your childrens dad, buying new furniture, and maybe going to the pub).
I don't want to see you so sad but I don't like seeing you get deeper in the hole for the long run.
The sofa or the bed does not take sides or have feelings. They are just things. If you have to erase them from your mind would a new covering or new sheets make you feel good enough to keep them until you have the money in hand to buy new ones? I think your book deal will pay off but me being a "I will wait to see the money before I believe it" type of guy, I always worry something will screw up and the money will never show.
I am not in the tough situation you are in so my opinion may not sound compassionate right now. I am also the type of guy that is maybe tooo practical at times and dislikes debt almost at any costs.
In my town, we have bars, not exactly pubs, but I don't think that is the best place to meets high quality strangers. Not that there are not high quality people there, just that is where some dead beats hang out.
JO just slow down for now. I know you are hurting and slowing down is difficult right now. I just dont like to see you in any deeper in a month or two. From reading your posts over the last weeks, I see you are on overload and I think I see you feel a lack of control. Reacting to out of control situations is not the best.
I can see why you say the things you do with regards to money and I already have a fair amount of debt for the next 2 years from when he got EX-OW and I spent till I dropped. I know the trouble you have had with your W over her spending and that's why you say it and I agree with you. However, the old sofa has gone now so I'm taking the new one. I am just going to try and get some of my bills down the rest of this year.
Re the pub - English pub culture is different to American pub culture. It's part of society (especially for men) and practically every other street has a 'local'. I'd say 95% of British people go to pubs and quite a lot of them do it on a regular basis.
My evening do for my wedding was held in the local pub - we hired the upstairs room and had a live jazz band. X's mother also had her wedding reception in a pub across the street from her house, so did my brother and my nephew's Christening reception was held in a pub!
I guess they are like the focal point of the neighbourhood and people go there to hang out and drink beer and play pool and do the pub 'quiz'.
The types of places I think you refer to are like trendy bars or night clubs, which I have never been to and never wanted to.
I don't intend to meet anyone, just that it's somewhere to go for a pint and to listen to music and I don't have to sit in the house on my own. I won't accept drinks from people, though, as you have to be careful about date rape and stuff, where they put something in your drink.
I don't understand your comment 'not giving a short reply to Andy one of your childrens dad' - he is the father of ALL four of my girls, not just the little one.
Remember I became his partner at age 16 so there was no one prior to him and all of our children were born within the marriage. Just thought I'd clarify that point, unless I have misunderstood your comment.
Also, why do you think I should talk to him? He told me he loved me and wanted me back etc, then he was violent and now I discover he's playing away for the SECOND time in 20 months.
If your W had slept with another man behind your back whilst telling you she loved you, wouldn't you kick her out of your house? I just feel I am above him at the moment and that I'm too good for him. I'm also furious that he wouldn't let me have my other dd's on her birthday when he said I could before.
I don't deserve to be treated like that so I really don't see why I should grace him with a reply.
I agree with you Jo. I wouldn't be mean to him, just barely polite. He told you about 2nd OW to get under your skin. Don't react to it....ever!!! Stay calm, polite, but brief with him. He needs to learn that it's not "all about him". Also, he needs to understand that if he wants to see DD4, he's going to have to give in to you regarding your visits with the other girls. It's time for you to take a very firm stand with him and do not relent. If you stay the course, hopefully, in time, he'll be fairer in regards to your time with "all" your DDs.
BTW, have I mentioned lately that Andy is a jerk????
You're doing good, Jo. Just don't let him see you crying, angry or depressed.
Yes Jill, you did say he was a jerk, several times over
Tonight I got an email from this strange guy I've never met who must have seen my picture because he wrote 'you are STUNNING' - erm, I'm not quite sure whether I should write back. He wants me to email him.
I get a lot of people saying 'didn't you write that book?'
When I used to live in central Nottingham I was stopped in the street by a few different women, asking if I was the one that wrote that book, but I have to admit, I've never had a stranger call me Stunning before. I am half-tempted to write back, now X has OW2, why the hell not? I could have a bit of fun.
Maybe its time to be honest and direct with yourself about the issues of loneliness/companionship.
If you want to keep DBing (even while letting the sitch take a seat on the backburner for a bit), a nice distractive eve at the local pub might serve you well.
If you are thinking about seeking a real companion for one night or more, I agree with Lou, there are better alternatives - like listing your wonderful pic and description in the personals.
Whatever you choose, try not to behave in a way that is a mere reaction to X, as this still empowers him too much. Behave in a way that is well thought-out and that is in your best interests longterm.
I agree with you Jo. I wouldn't be mean to him, just barely polite. He told you about 2nd OW to get under your skin. Don't react to it....ever!!! Stay calm, polite, but brief with him. He needs to learn that it's not "all about him". Also, he needs to understand that if he wants to see DD4, he's going to have to give in to you regarding your visits with the other girls. It's time for you to take a very firm stand with him and do not relent JO I agree with Qoe100
I don't understand your comment 'not giving a short reply to Andy one of your childrens dad' - he is the father of ALL four of my girls, not just the little one. Jo, if you don't treat him civil or barely polite, he will take revenge and make your life more difficult. I am suggesting you don't give him any reasons/amunition to get back at you. I want you to have the girs as often as you can have them. If you are always angry with Andy and treat him as such, he will always be doing things to get back at you.
I know Andy is all the girls dad. You have one living with you and the others you don't see much. Maybe that is waht I was refering to?
Also, why do you think I should talk to him? Don't talk to him to be nice to him, but so this hostility between you two does not continue on such a high level. All I am suggesting is to be civil (not chummy or friendly) so he does not think of ways to keep your girls away from you.
I don't deserve to be treated like that so I really don't see why I should grace him with a reply. No you don't deserve to br treated that way. Not talking to him (do always keep the interactions businesslike and short) will just him looking for ways to make you angry and he will most like use the girls as a weapon against you.
If your W had slept with another man behind your back whilst telling you she loved you, wouldn't you kick her out of your house? Yes I would, but I would not do it at the expence of not seeing my kids.
What most people don't remember is that I've been at this for over 3 years now which means that when he took my other kids they were aged only 2, 4 and 5.
2 out of 3 of these years has been just fighting and courts and stress. I did everything I could in my power to have those girls and even when I had regular visitation, he still made it miserable for me.
He says people always do that in the midst of court procedings and that isn't how he would normally behave, but I have no reason to believe this, since he evidently has no respect for me and does tell lies.
Regardless of his excuse, the fact is he did that and now the damage is out there. I have not had any kind of R with those kids since that age and literally all I remember is stress and courts.
I don't really remember much of them in the marriage. I remember the big stuff, like birthdays and christenings and DD1's first day at kindergarten but I don't remember the normal stuff, like what it was like to look after them on a daily basis or what it was like to sit down together and eat a meal as a family.
I remember their births with precision. I remember exactly how many hours I was in labour, what the pain felt like and who said what during the process. I remember how much each of them weighed and what time they came into this world and even what outfit I first dressed them in (he doesn't, incidently, and even got the year wrong for DD1's birth), but I don't remember any of the REAL LIFE stuff.
There's zero closeness, haunted by dozens of bad memories so even when I do have them, I am just stressed out trying not to do or say something he would disaprove of.
They became the focus point of our fighting, rather than the thing that bound us together, and it killed any semblence of family that I had.
I lost them already, when they were 2, 4 and 5. Nothing I do now will make a difference to that outcome. My mind tells me I should feel more because they are my blood, my genetics, but all I feel is pain and hurt and it's been so long since they were part of my family, that when I am not hurting and feeling angry, I just feel numb, like there is nothing, and that in a way is scarier than angry.
I have no idea how to fix my R's with them. I originally thought if I fixed my R with him, then we could go back to being a family under one roof and I could start to have normal day to day experiences with them, which would help the bond.
But then it became apparent that he lies to me and has no respect so that wasn't going to happen, and now I just feel I am on a losing wicket and not prepared to fight against yet another OW. The previous OW was very obstructive to my R with the kids, she upset me as much as he did and he never asked me to help with the kids because she always did it.
Now it will be the same with OW2.
I am ill all the time. I get migraines on a regular basis (didn't get them in the marriage), I have colds every other week, backache, chest pains, exhaustion etc and I'm only 28.
I don't have it in me to fight for my family anymore and it wouldn't be any use to my kids to see us being like this anymore.
I'm done, as far as I'm concerned, I am done and unless a miracle happens, I will stay done, so I honestly don't see the point in speaking to him.
Been following your story but afraid to post ever since you told me that i was crazy (jdd).
But...You seem like the nicest strongest woman here. I think for a woman to have gone through what you have been through at 28 will make you appreciate life and makes you wiser then anyone else. You have been through a lot but imagine if it had come at a later stage in life.
28? I am sure you can get a good looking kind man that would replace the lunatic husband of yours.I am sure you can party with the best of them and enjoy the simple pleasures of youth.
28? Well I for one would love to date a 28 year old with life experiance.This is what i am looking for.Kids you say? I would love to take cae of any kids ,even from another man.
I dont think i am much different from the average guy but you sound amazing.If i met you some where i would charm you and show you a great time. And believe me if i find you attractive there are billions more man out there that will(we kinda subscribe to the same instincts)
Find a nice gentleman who will romance you for years and you will wonder why you ever felt down.
I am thinking of you and sending you positive energy and believe me...I think you are the bees knees
Rory, have I misread your post or are you flirting with me?
You don't have to be intimidated by me. I'm a friendly sort of person. I said you were crazy because of your comment about doing away with jdd's XW. There are a lot of people I would quite like to kill right now, but I wouldn't actually do it. I wasn't sure whether you were serious or just kidding.
I've been a bit harsh with you in the past because I felt that you had a few mental health issues that you needed to confront for your own benefit. If people ask advice I try to be empathic but also to say it how I see it. I don't think it's constructive to give blanket approval.
For instance, I have told Gabriel a couple of times that I think he is being too judgemental of his W's parenting and I think he likes that I am honest with him instead of saying whatever he does is great. I think I told Wez off once too for misinterpreting one of my posts and I know I got annoyed at TAG once when he called me a pollyanna.
But I'm a friendly person and I still like everyone on here, even if I am a bit forthright sometimes. Don't let it put you off posting.
Yes I have 4 daughters. 3 live with their dad and the little one with me. I see the other 3 ocassionally when their dad and I can get on long enough to do it and the little one I have almost full time.
I am only 28, yes, but I'm so hurt I doubt I could trust anyone enough to get into another R. When I'm not missing my X, I am nursing some private infatuation for a married guy or some other person that I just can't have. Maybe that's why I am attracted like that, because I know it won't happen.
I think it will take me a few more years at least to recover so I'm just going to concentrate on me and DD4 for the time being.
Thanks for the compliments, Rory. Very much appreciated.
