Your story sounds very similar to mine. The difference is that my W will get aroused and we will ML that night. The problem is that is about the only way for us to have it. It is nice once in a while but not that way every time.
When I first read your subject I thought it began with an "S", and said to myself "All right Hairdoggy!" Then I read your post and realized that no, the S wasn't missing
Sorry to hear that MrsDoggie still doesn't get it. Her boobies shouldn't be off-limits to you. Maybe you should send her a written request or something to get on her schedule. That just is not right. You really ought to bring this up at the next counselling session. I'd be really curious to see what the C makes of it. If the C takes her side, then I think it's time to find another C. Glad you at least got a little playtime, even if it was 'stolen'.
Quote: What is her view of how sexual touches should happen within a marriage?
As infrequently as possible. I don't know the answer to this.
I used to wear myself out during conversations with my ex-wife, until I finally determined that assigning logic to her thought process or statements was a waste of time.
Now, I find myself thinking about Ms. Hairdog in a similar way. Assigning causation or fault to me as the root of our sexual or relationship problems is her modus operandi. I could be the "perfect husband"* and she would still find some reason to keep her distance.
Hairdog * I am perfectly aware that such a creature does not exist. I think I'm a decent guy. I'm better behaved than most, I take showers when I smell bad, I make a steady and honest living, I am a good father to my children. I think I'm a pretty good husband, too. My patience with her unrealistic ideals, and with her overreaction, is wearing thin.
Glad to hear the meds may be helping. My spouse is on one of the "prozac" types and I know it helps as there have been fewer chewings out and emotional arguments on her bad PMS day.
However I prematurely declared "victory" on the schedule and she back slid the 2nd Sunday into the schedule. So, like most everyone else here, it's back to talking to her about it.
Also, my W, like yours does the publically acceptable touching with me when were out and practically avoids it at home. She also does these hugs where she crosses her arms over her chest when she leans into me, so I get no arms around me and a hug from two pointy elbows.
Also remember murder-suicide is only a happy ending for the cops and prosecutors.
Scott -Working on how to do the which-part-of-I-need-more-touch-and-sex-are-you-not-getting talk, again
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
well I suppose I wasn't trying to get you to assign logic to her thought process but rather to get you thinking of a way to address the topic. (when the wallowing wears off and you're ready to jump in again, should the time come) I mean, it's a legitimate question and, in your case (and mine), one in which a little negotiation has to occur.
Some marriages these things just happen naturally from day one, the rest of us poor suckers (the majority, I'm imagining) will need a little negotiation in order to come to a place where both people can live with the end result. You shouldn't have to get "permission" to touch her sexually. She shouldn't have to live in fear of being groped when she's trying to sleep.
But, from where I stand, the problem is not that either of these extremes are happening on a regular basis--it's that she honestly believes that requiring permission to touch one another is a legitimate stance.
How have you addressed the fact that she doesn't do her counseling "homework"?
It's good to see the ol spirited Dog back. You broke away from W's control, if only for a moment.
FWIW, I don't feel you have ADD. It sounds like you were in a numb depressive state, and the stimulant kicked you out of it and back into your fun, energetic self.
First, to clarify, I am not the one who is wallowing. I think she is wallowing in a pool of "poor me, I have to put up with a creature with a penis" and general finger-pointing and dead-horse-beating.
I know she'll want to crab some more at me about this, maybe tonight, but I have basically done all I can do as far as taking responsibility for my transgression.
Quote: You shouldn't have to get "permission" to touch her sexually. She shouldn't have to live in fear of being groped when she's trying to sleep.
I think it is likely she will go to her grave believing with all of her heart that I, her husband, need permission to touch her sexually. I don't think that is up for negotiation. Now, if I touch her sexually, and she is awake, most of the time she will just move my hand away and that will be the end of it. I don't try again, at least not for a day at the minimum. Sometimes, months go by between these attempts. Sometimes, just a day or two. I used to get mopey about the rejection, which of course was a big turn-off for her, and which she framed as disrespect for her.
Her counseling "homework", touching me physically, is (was) coming along okay. Remember, I had no expectations with this. Therefore, every hug, kiss goodnight, gentle touch on my back in the middle of the night, reach for my hand during a walk, was a pleasant surprise. During the week, I get maybe one or two of such touches from her a day. It's not my job to remind her. I get to initiate non-sexual touches, too, and these occur at about the same frequency...maybe a little more often.
Quote: FWIW, I don't feel you have ADD. It sounds like you were in a numb depressive state, and the stimulant kicked you out of it and back into your fun, energetic self.
I agree. Probably what is happening is the Prozac was making you gumby, LD and the ADD meds are just counter-acting that. I think you should go drug free and just deal direct with the MRS. This makes me think of a thought I once had that even though I don't think it's wrong in any way for a HD guy to MB to porn (though I do still think it's wrong for a LD guy to do this at the expense of his partner's satisfaction and guess what?- the authors of the new health book I bought agree and make a point of this in the chapter on sexuality.) I think it would be a good thing if many of the HD guys on this site did stop seeking release in that way just because this would force them to deal with the issue with their wives.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I agree with whomever said to bring it up at the counselors this week. Hell you are human. So you got the overwhelming urge to touch the woman you love. The counselor should know how she reacted and how you apologised for it and then go from there. Maybe some light can be shed on it all.
Hairy, I think it sounds like she's doing a lot better, as far as the affection is concerned! I would be happy with that little bit of progress and hopeful that she keeps adding to it.
Well, that's too bad about the permission angle. To me, that sort of dynamic creates a VERY stale and regimented sexual atmosphere. There will never be any spontaneity or arousal-then-desire if there always has to be permission. Cause her knee-jerk reaction is "no". The thought of asking to touch is really abhorrent to me, I'm not quite sure I can pin down why, tho.
Gotta go; D3 has my new bracelet around her neck and, in addition to the obvious safety hazards associated with that, it is a NEW bracelet, okay. LOL
